


It's Too Late Now

by Ereri_Freak



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Eren Is a Little Shit, Eren's Just a Broken Sweatheart, Erwin Has Both of His Arms, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Freshman Eren Yeager, German Eren Yeager, I didn't sign up for this, I made some original characters, I'm Bad At Tagging, Isabel and Farlan and Levi are Siblings, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, M/M, Mindless Fluff, Multi, No Smut, Older Mikasa Ackerman, POV Eren Yeager, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Paralyzed!Eren, Senior Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Tea, all nice and cozy, be proud, because holy, but here we are, get ready for death, holy that's a tag, im dying, take my sweat and blood and tears, they literally are in a hospital so often it's like they live there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-07-24 15:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 92,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7512829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ereri_Freak/pseuds/Ereri_Freak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was like the earth. His skin was the color of olives, his eyes the ocean, breath against my chest the wind, and hair the rich soil. And he was like the earth in my arms, warm and soft, until I cradled a limp fragment of him, his head lolled to side and his eyes white, skin like death.<br/>I remember how he was Eren, a boy to some, a cripple to others. But to me he was Eren—mine, and mine only.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Reading back on the first few chapters, I noticed how awful they are. So please, if you bothered to click on the fic, continue reading it to the end.
> 
> I am rewriting this, but those chapters will not be posted because I'm using OCs for it.

Prologue:

The three sat down by the wooden bar, while others chatted behind them, but they didn't seem to pay much mind. One of the three had dark hair, almost as black as midnight and eyes like steel, although the they were darkened by the bags under his eyes from the weeks he spent restless at night. The other two had been just recently wed, one being a blond male with hair combed back perfectly, and the other had a pair of glasses that were only a bit too large for her face, yet she wore them anyway.

Ordering a few shots at this hour wasn't something they would usually do, but the other man was in desperate need of something to get his mind off of what had just happened. It all went by so fast that the world went back to being normal, acting as if nothing serious had really happened. Something serious did happen, though.

"Two of your strongest." The weak and muttered order was said by the raven, who earned a few suspicious chokes from the women that sat next to him, trying to hold back her confusion. She knew why he had told the bartender his usual order, it was in place of the missing person here. Somebody who had always gotten the same that Levi had, and eventually, the two had made it routine to get two of the same each time. But that wasn't the exact case anymore, but Levi did all he could to try to keep it the same.

"Levi," the women pushed in through his mind, leaning closer to the bar table, "please try to get over him."

She was sent a nasty glare when Levi had slammed his fists down, his eyebrows scrunching together while he held back the urge to punch the glasses off the auburn-haired women. Eventually, he calmed down a little and brought up the courage to try to keep his voice at a monotone level while he choked back tears threatening to break lose if they spoke another word about Eren.

"It's not that simple, Hanji."

The blond at the table butted in, looking into the steel eyes that would shut him out almost immediately after he caught his glance, "Levi, we want you to know that he can never be replaced, and we could never forget him, but you need to move on."

"Bullshit," Levi glared at the table, holding his cup to his lips and down the shot with a satisfied sigh, "you know I can't do that."

"Then," cut in the blond who had been ordering a beer, "make sure you never forget him." Levi shot him a questioning look, one eyebrow raised as he held his hands up to his chin.

His dark hair fell over his face while he drank one of the shots that the bartender had given to him, and without another thought, he waved his hand for another. And another. And another. It was the only thing he could do to try to get his mind from this sinkhole he had dug for himself almost two years ago, and the hole that would never fill itself back up again. Everyone close enough to him knew that he wanted to die every night he closed his eyes, that he didn't want to wake up to the bring sunlight streaming through the windows anymore. They all tried to support him and help him become happy again, but so much effort for so little outcome.

"How would I do that?" He asked Erwin, who was now staring into his eyes. The blond knew that with every emotion flowing into Levi's mind currently would show through the most subtle ways, but they would still be there, no matter how much Levi tried to cover them up.

"Tell us about him." Levi's face looked hurt when he tried to think about the request that had been presented to him, and his forehead scrunched up in slight emotional pain while he held back the urge to simply throw anything at his two un-expecting friends.

"I realize the only bits and pieces I've ever mentioned of him to you guys were very few, and that you've only met him once or twice, but now I don't even remember him."

"Then _try_." Erwin's tone sounded like a parent's when they found out their kid had given up hope, and they only wanted their child to give in to their pushing over a constant year or so. But it wasn't that easy in this case.

His response came very short and defenseless, "Why bother?"

"You loved him, right?"

"...Yeah."

"Then _try_."


	2. Chapter 2

⁞  
ＳＴＲＡＮ ① ＧＥＲＳ  
⁞

Being pushed around the campus, a young boy, the age of seventeen, held in his hand the flyer for the school. When he was a child in elementary, people thought he would never make it to this stage. _A disaster_. _Such a weirdo_. _He can't even hold his pen correctly_. Every insult was the same for him, something that went by through the day and went out at night, like a candle that would forever hold its lighter. He was the reason the lighter was there from the start, because of his 'disability', people would take advantage of that to put him down and throw his free-willed soul around.

But he had made it on the top of the class in high school. Each year, he'd look at his name pinned on the top of the board, and his best friend's right next to him. It was such an accomplishment to get through life this much for somebody like him, somebody who couldn't walk to the bathroom alone. His bones were simply made fragile so that he wasn't able to walk properly or use his hands very well. But over time, his muscles grew slightly stronger, and then by the time he was thirteen, he could finally have the strength to feed himself and write with either hand.

As a child, he would fall down a lot, and then cry helplessly on the floor because there was no way for him to roll himself upright, and it was impossible for him to scoot forward, because his arm and leg muscles were not developed properly. When the family adopted a special needs dog, it did help their burden a lot. The dog would run around with Eren, and whenever he'd fall or injure himself, the dog would bark or run to one of his parents. But when his mother died, and then his father left, there was no more need for the dog, and no one else to take care of Eren.

His sister, Mikasa, had moved in with him then, after being away in France because their parents thought that Eren was too much of a hassle and sent their daughter off with another guardian for five years. Although Eren couldn't physically take care of himself then, he can now. With a little help from a wheelchair and extra support railings that were installed into his old house that he shared with his sister, he could finally for the first time in his life be left alone and have the ability to get to the bathroom, eat by himself, and even get into bed. When that happened, his week was filled with nothing but joy and a small victory dance whenever he'd be able to do anything that he previously was unable to.

With this school that he was looking at, they offered help for people that needed assistance around campus, and the president had told them that the school was very open to people like Eren, which had comforted his fears a small bit. Now, though, Eren and Mikasa were headed to the main office where Eren could get a better feel for the school and its daily schedule.

"I don't want to do this, Mikasa." Eren drawled, trying to hide his face from a few students who were already looking at him in a funny way and also whispering to others around them, who then glanced at him as if he was an alien interning for a week. That's what he certainly felt like, that's for sure.

"Come on, it's one of the best schools, and you have the grades to be able to join!" Mikasa was always trying to stay positive for her brother, because he'd been bullied around more than he should have been- let me rephrase that, he had been thrown down a well and had not been found for almost two days by some kids at his middle school that were only 'seeing if he really was immobile.' They apparently had found out when their parents were sued later on that week. "And look, Eren, the main office is right there."

"No..."

"Please, this'll be the last school."

Eren looked cautiously into the windows of the building, and then slightly grunted as a go ahead.

Three people came out to meet them, one with dark, raven black hair, steely eyes, and a small frown that seemed so natural on him, another with blond hair that was combed back, taller than both others, and piercing blue eyes that set a business-like mood, and finally the third person who was on the right of the previous man, who had light brown hair with a undercut, and somewhat a frown. Eren held onto the arm bars of his chair, and tried to keep eye contact like his sister had told him to instead of his eyes flicking around the campus. Anywhere other than where they needed to be.

On the left, the raven- the shortest- stood, glaring at Mikasa and then glancing down at her brother. "Welcome to Maria." He said, and then the middle man spoke up.

"I'm Erwin Smith, to my right is Jean, and my left is Levi, whom if Eren decides to attend, will be sharing a room with." Eren attempted a small bow and then sat up straight in his seat, looking curiously at the three.

Mikasa took over for Eren's lack of socialization today, and introduced Eren to the three, although they already knew who he was, "This is Eren Jaeger, I'm Mikasa Ackerman, his sister. He adopted me when we were seven. It's very nice to meet all of you." She kindly put, but glared at Levi who had given her the ugly look before. Mikasa didn't want her brother to be sad here, and whoever he would be living with for the next four years would have to pass the Mikasa test. What she didn't know was that the raven already knew who she was, and that he hated her guts for everything her family had done. But she didn't need to know that, for she had never remembered her family either, so it was only a placeholder name for when she decided to change it.

"Nice to meet you, Eren." All three students bowed, and then returned to their stances.

"We're all the head of the study body, and any problems Eren might have here will be filed to us, and we'll make sure to take care of it." Erwin said.

"Thank you." The youngest boy said, while smiling at the others while trying his best to not break his positive mood. Mikasa wanted Eren to be happy, and if he wasn't, she wouldn't be either. And it hurt him to see Mikasa sad because of him.

Levi started talking before anyone else could, seeing how uncomfortable Eren was in this current situation, "I'll show him to the dorm he'll be staying in, and Erwin can take you to the office if you have any questions." This was mainly directed at Mikasa, trying to shoo her away from the campus. They all had a very strict policy about having no visitors except for family issues or holidays if the students stayed at campus.

Eren was wheeled out by the short man, while he now looked around happily at all the students lining up to get into their classes. He had never actually seen a campus being so organized, and somehow, he felt safe here. He felt safer than he had ever been when he was around somebody who could help him and would even share their room with him. Nobody had been that kind before, because he knew that nobody actually wanted to willingly give up their own, private room to some brat as he was. He already knew that this man who was pushing him was either really nice, despite what he gave off from a first impression, or he was begged daily to let the immobilized boy that would be transferring in in two days that was a hopeless cause to share a room. He tried to think that Levi had been in the first option, although he would never know.

"So, Eren," Levi started, trying to sound as polite as he could, because he knew that Mikasa was still listening as hard as she could, "What do you want to study in college?"

"Photography."

"What makes you want to do that?"

"I don't know, I just love seeing things frozen in time forever, and how beautiful things can be if they don't move so much." Levi chuckled inwardly at this, and continued to push the boy around until they neared a dorm building, where Eren would be staying if he did decided to attend. "And since I can't function with many other things, this is one of the small things that I love having the freedom to do."

"I wish I'd have a straight mind like you, all I can think about constantly is either painting or getting a degree in medical. That's what my father had wanted, for me to grow old and rich, have a wife, a large family, pass the business down- all complete shit." The raven stated, and the brunet laughed quietly, hoping that this Levi guy wouldn't be so bad after all.

"My dad's a doctor, although I don't get to see him a lot anymore."

"That's one of the reasons I don't want to go into that area. Especially if I ever find somebody who can put up with me longer than a month, and then finally have a family." His voice dropped, as he thought about something that he'd never understand. What was love? He never knew, the only standing relationship he had ever had was only a month- his longest one ever- but he then realized he had no grasp of what he felt about the girl, so he broke up with her. "Like that'd ever happen."

"I'm sure you won't be lonely forever. You'll find somebody."

"Did you just call me lonely?" He questioned, sending off a glare that would scare little children and cause them to screech and run to their mothers.

"I suppose I did."

"You cocky, little shit."

"I get that a lot." Eren smiled again, and when they reached the brown door that welcomed them to their dorm, Levi opened it for him.

When they entered, there were two beds on either side of the room, and a small kitchen to the right side. The left bed was made up, with light purple sheets and a window right next to it, where sunlight came streaming in. The walls were white, and on the side next to the left bed, there was a blue butterfly with its wings in flight, looking like it had only wanted to escape.

"Woah.. Did you paint that?" Eren pointed with his best effort to the mural, and Levi nodded, glancing over at it. "You're great."

"Thanks, I guess. But I've still got a long way to go if I want to make a living out of it."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-two, I'm going into my senior year."

"You've still got time, what are you majoring in?"

"...Literature."

"Isn't that what you want, then?"

"My 'father' had always pushed me into getting a medical degree, but I refused, and he'd never be satisfied if I went into art, so I chose literature. To answer your question, no, it's not what I want."

"Oh." Eren tried to think of what to say, but nothing came to his mind while Levi slumped over the right bed, leaving the left one empty. Levi went over and ruffled his hair, telling him to forget about it, making Eren stiffen up at the sudden contact. That didn't go by unnoticed by Levi, but he let it drop for now.

"What do you usually do at home?" The raven questioned, trying to break the un-comfortableness he saw in Eren.

"I lived with my sister, Mikasa, and she mostly took care of me until I was able to wheel myself around and able to get around the house when I needed to. I don't see how I'm a sack of fat yet, I haven't exercised since my mother died, because she would always help me."

"I could help you." Eren glanced over to Levi, his face turning red.

The other male put his hands up in defense, shaking them back and forth. "I promise I didn't mean it like that!" They both smiled, Eren's cheerfulness lighting up the spirit that had been pushed back from Levi's heart. Something they both felt, loneliness, despair, a wanting itching at them from the inside that was slowly fading as they got to know each other and eventually began to grow more comfortable with each other's presence.

"If you don't mean it that way, then I'd gladly accept." Eren's smile grew wider as Levi stuck his tongue out at him, while trying to hold back the goofy smirk that wanted to be shown from the raven. It was something he had never actually done before, and it was hard to think about how to do it now that his mouth had barely known how to smile.

Levi had grown up without seeing sunlight, and he knew that there was no need to smile, it was something almost comical that people shared between each other. He saw no real purpose for the action, but now he felt that it was used to show somebody that you cared about how you felt, so they didn't feel so much in the dark. Then why was Levi longing to smile around Eren? He barely knew the kid, take away two months when he had been somewhat part of his family long, long ago. That was too long ago, that Eren would have no recollection of it, but he knew that Mikasa might.

There was no real way to know, but she had glared at Levi from when they first met eyes, and maybe that's why Levi wanted to take Eren away from her. Because her family had been part of the reason he couldn't smile today.


	3. Chapter 3

⁞  
ＥＲ ② ＥＮ  
⁞

My throat burned, my back seared, my ankles were chained to the ground when I fell collapsed onto the hard, cement floor. I couldn't move, chains were winding themselves up to my arms, my stomach, my legs, my neck. I couldn't breathe, my lunges were closing up forever. The darkness was surrounding me, everything was frozen. My hands were glued to the ground, my legs refused to move, my body could not move while I laid frozen on the ground. That was my life up until my father sent me off to live elsewhere. My father had thought that I had been a nuisance, something that shouldn't have been born. That's why they also took Mikasa away.

I had not remembered her when she came back, but she certainly knew me. Maybe she had pictures of me where she had been. Maybe I had done something for her that she wouldn't be able to forget. Either one, I remembered none of it. Her dark hair, her working passion. She had loved to take care of me, when I always thought I had been only but a bother to her.

Maybe that's why I ran away.

She had looked endlessly for me, while I had not thought about what I would do if I could not move, if I had become stuck. That's why I was so helpless now, because if I fell of my wheelchair, nobody would come to pick me back up, nobody knew I was even down. Luckily, before I had starved, somebody found me, somebody whom I do not remember.

They had been kind to me. Back then, I had not been wheeled around, I had been carried because I was still light enough to be. Back then, I was only around nine, and all I remember of the person who had brought me back to Miksasa was that it had been a man only a little older than me, thirteen, I think.

That's all I knew of him before he took off and left me stranded back to rely on everyone who didn't want me.

***

Levi looked at me, slowly pushing on my leg, cautiously moving it up to my chest. He had found some activities I could do to keep my muscles fit, so that maybe someday I'd be able to walk on my own- which I highly doubted.

First off, he told me that he'd stretch out my leg and arm muscles, and then let me try to stand for a couple minutes. To me, it sounded pretty easy for him to do, and it didn't seem like he wanted to push me too far when I was still scared of falling. I think he also knew that I didn't want to be bound to the earth for my whole life.

The positions we were in were quite awkward, but they did work. For example, right now we lay on my bed, the left one, and he was pushing his chest onto my thigh so it would lift up, straining the muscles. It did hurt, but not unbearable. He told me that he'd stop if he hurt me in the slightest, but I didn't want him to worry if he pulled one of my muscles too much, instead, it would feel good to be taking even the smallest step forward. A step that I had been too afraid to make for my whole life.

They felt like sex positions, but he made sure to keep his mind straight in line, and it went by within five minutes or less, for which I was thankful. I knew that I wanted to come to this school as soon as Levi had accepted my odd disability, and I could only hope that others would be the same. I soon felt comfortable around the campus, and around Levi. I felt like he'd look out for me if anything happened, although I knew he'd run off when he graduated.

I was fine with that, though. Knowing that somebody cared enough to even _act_ nice towards me comforted me in a way that would never go away. Some warm and fuzzy feeling that filled me, constantly buzzing at me. I could always think about it later.

"That's it." I heaved out a sigh of relief as Levi backed away from me and my leg flopped back down. All the strain had done something for me, but it was painful all the same.

"Do you really think that these exercises will really help me?"

"Possibly. I don't really know if your problem is fixable."

"But you'll help, right?" I knew his answer would be yes.

"As long as you let me." There it was. I smiled, I didn't want to stop smiling for as long as my mouth still functioned, and if it refused to smile, I would still find a way around that issue. I felt so free when I smiled around Levi, no, he made me feel free.

Changing the subject, I pushed myself slowly up into a sitting position with Levi seated on the edge of the bed, his eyes curious, "What do you usually do around here when it's so empty?"

"Normally," his eyebrows scrunched up in thought and his lips began to purse. Must be really boring here, then. "I'm not here most of the time, I go up to France to visit my sister."

"You've got a sister?"

Levi nodded, and then started to get off the bed, while holding his arms up in a stretch. "Yea, got a brother too. Their both a pain in the ass, but I still love them." His steel eyes darted to mine, and we locked gazes for a split second too long than we should have, and then he quickly turned to face the wall, looking at the butterfly he had drawn. I loved how it seemed to sparkle whenever the light would fall just perfectly on it, and I wanted to reach out and take the butterfly from the wall and let him fly free.

"You like this, don't you?" Levi questioned me, and it startled me that it caused me to almost jump, although I couldn't really. I felt it, but didn't actually do it. I wanted to, though.

"Yeah."

"Cool." An awkward silence fell over us, but at the same time, it was comforting and welcoming. It was something I had never experienced before. My father had never left the house with this type of protection and safety, my sister had always been blasting music or talking about boys to me. I had been stuck, wordless, for more than half my life, just watching each train pass by. Something I would gladly pass on any time I got the chance to once more. Although back then I had no choice.

Instead of trying to keep myself upright, I let my muscles relax, I let my back slump against the pillows propped up against the headrest, I let my mind wander. I wish I hadn't.

"Eren."

"Eren."

"Wake up."

My eyes jolted open with such force that made me squint when an uninvited flood of sunlight blinded me. "Hm?" I saw Levi's face looking worriedly into mine, then his expression relaxing when he saw me alive and well.

"I thought you died, you've been asleep for two days."

"Shit, I forgot to tell you that that happens sometimes."

"Brat." I chuckled, and I thought I heard him too, but I couldn't tell for sure.

***

_"Come on, Eren, be a good boy." My father's eyes were slanted, a wicked look added to it. When my eyes saw what he held in his hand, I tried to back away. But I was ground stuck, with nowhere to go, nowhere to run. I would've cried right there and then if I had not been too paralyzed to do so. I would have shouted out for somebody to kill me then and there if I could have._

_My hands felt like they were burning, they felt hot and whenever something came in contact with them, scissors ripped through my fingers one by one. If I tried to scream out, painful acid left from my throat. I wanted to die._

_A needle was pressed into my side, and my vision went black for seconds on end, having no stop once it started. My father had been experimenting on me when I was a child, and he didn't stop until two years after my mother died. If he could get his filthy hands on me now, he'd surely continue to torture that he had done so many years ago._

In the present, my hands shook, and I knew Levi's eyes were on me the minute I had gone silent. I was still laying down on the bed, and all I could feel was the same burning flame eating me up throughout my entire body. Then it all went cold, too frigid and icy. I wanted to shiver up near a fire and put out this torture. I wanted to feel normal for once, be treated as a normal human being, be able to walk like a human. But I couldn't.

"L-Levi," my consciousness was drifting off, and with every passing second I felt like my limbs were being ripped off from my body, "get Mikasa."

***

When I came to, my body wasn't in the dorm. There were bright, white lights overhead, and a soft clicking of metal against metal was right near my ears. Everything reminded me so much of the place where I had spent so much time as a child. So many times I would have been hospitalized and not discharged for weeks on end. Whenever people got their hands on me, they only wanted to experiment so there might be a way to strengthen my bones and muscles, but there really wasn't.

A slumped over figure rested on the side of my bed. Somebody I knew.

"Levi?" He didn't respond, so I reached out my arm as carefully as I could without slamming it accidentally down on his head and my fingers felt his hair. It was softer than you'd think, something like a cloud, and a feather maybe, just mixed together. I didn't know why my hand kept itself in his hair, stroking it gently, but I knew that he had woken up, and was staring at me with one open eye.

"S-sorry!" I yelped, although he didn't retaliate. But he did smile, I think. It wasn't very noticeable, but I saw the ends of his mouth turn upward, and the corner of his eyes scrunched up in a very adorable fashion.

"I'm glad you're finally awake."

"How long was I out?"

He didn't respond right away, but I knew the answer was bad. "You've been in a coma for a week."

My heart began to thump inside of my ribcage, and all I could hear was the now steady pounding inside of me. This had never happened before, and my father had not given any tests to me since Mikasa came to take care of me, so why was this happening? Late reaction? Eight year gap? That was impossible.

"Okay, I think you too have had enough time together talking." There she was. Mikasa opened the door that connected the room to the hospital hallway, and stormed inside. The first thing she did was to kick Levi away from me, and then she sat down where he had previously been. I looked over to the battered and now glaring Levi, who held his side where Mikasa had _literally_ _kicked_ _him_ , but stayed silent.

"Eren, do you know what happened? What was the last thing you saw before you, well, passed out? Do you remember what happened the day before?"

"Stop, Mikasa. I don't know what the hell happened. I don't remember anything except telling Levi to get you, okay? I don't know why this happened, and I can't explain it."

"...Fine, I'll get the doctor."

"No!" I pleaded. I hated the hospital, spent too much time in here as a kid, continued to visit way too frequently, everything was a mess. My head didn't stop spinning, the pounding in my chest didn't slow, and all I felt was confusion. I knew Mikasa was only trying to help, but she was really making things worse. I felt pressured into giving her a right answer when I had none.

I heard Mikasa's footsteps slow, and she turned back around to me. She didn't look angry, she didn't look disappointed, she didn't look sad, she looked like she understood. And that alone helped me calm down, because I knew she'd let the matter drop- for now, at least.

"I am sure that it has something to do with Dad, though." I told her, and then tried to slow this spinning in my head, the sweat trickling from my forehead, the shaking of my hands.

Before she said anything, I realized Levi was running his fingers gently down my arm. I don't know if he had seen my uneasiness, but whatever I was feeling before, the gesture helped me calm down and stopped the shaking of my hands, and the pit in my stomach, but not the beating of my heart. I think that it actually picked up speed, and when Levi saw I was doing better, he held my hand instead. My heart started thumping even harder that I thought everyone in the world could hear it.

"I'm going to visit him."

"Don't do that, Mikasa. You don't even know where he is right now."

"Germany. Said he was visiting some old friends. I wonder what that geezer is really up to."

I scoffed, thinking of the endless possibilities. "Probably getting drunk and shoplifting."

"Mm," she looked back at me, and then glanced at Levi. Something about the way they talked with their eyes would remain a mystery to me, but I knew that she was depending on him to take care of me while she was gone. "Well, guess I'll leave tomorrow. Nothing like the present."

Without looking back, she walked out of the hospital room and closed the door behind her. I looked to Levi, and his eyes were already with mine. I didn't know why he was still holding my hand, and I don't think either of us really thought much of it, it had been there so long that it felt normal almost.

"How long have you been here?" I asked the raven, hoping he had just fallen asleep overnight. My heart begged him to say only a day, but at the same time, I wanted him to say that he had been waiting the whole time. He smirked, and rested his head back down on the bed.

"If I tell you, Mikasa's going to kill me." God, he had really been here the whole time. The pounding in my chest didn't stop when I thought about it more, it only went faster and faster. I thought I would die if it sped up any more. It didn't, thankfully.

Something inside of me clicked then. I didn't think of Levi like the roommate who had been forced to give his room to me, and I didn't think that he had only taken care of me because he was asked to. I knew he had willingly sacrificed something that no one else would have, many more things following, and many more to come. But why would he do this for somebody like me? I was a cripple, people told me. I would never walk, I can't function in life. Why would he put his faith in me? Just seeing him sleeping on the side of the bed calmed me, putting my heartbeat back to its steady rhythm.

I knew that this school was going to be a better year than any other of the schools I had attended. So far, the only thing I had encountered was a few whispers about why I was in a wheelchair when I was out in the campus, and why I had come here. I didn't mind, a lot worse had been presented to me in middle school, I can tell you that. And, if things went for the worse, I knew Levi would be there to help me. I didn't want to be protected, I wanted him to help me get back on my feet when I fell down. That's all I wanted.

I was a greedy little shit.


	4. Chapter 4

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Levi had left, and now Eren was alone in the hospital room with the lights turned off. He wasn't going to be able to find much sleep this night, mainly because he was wondering why his father's experiments had made his body collapse, and what his father's reasoning was to start with. Take away being a boy who was tortured since he was born, that he could not walk, somebody had found him out of the dark hole he had dug and dragged him out. They were still pulling.

Levi had been the first person to be nice around Eren, even though he did have a bit of attitude, it was the least of Eren's worries. He knew that he wasn't going to live long in his life, that his timeline was eventually going to be cut off short because of his disability, but he wanted to live the length of it to its full glory. No matter how many people he left hurt behind him, he didn't care anymore.

The street outside was cold and empty, but who was to drive on it this late in the night? Nobody wanted to venture out past the sunlight, and unless you had a drive- something or someone that pushed you to go, everyone abandoned the roads and headed home.

There were small IV cords running into his arm, and a steady flow of white liquid that he couldn't identify flowed through the strings, into his veins. He didn't feel anything, the needle had been inserted before he regained consciousness days before. What he did know was that the scent of freshly cleaned hallways and the dustless bed sheets reminded him too much of when he was a child and visited the hospital near his hometown on many occasions, probably too many.

But what could he do about that? Nothing, that was his past, and it wouldn't be changed.

When Levi had been there, he had given Eren his phone. Levi's phone, I mean. Mikasa had threatened Levi that if he had tried anything that week he had been there during nights and mornings that he'd quickly have every limb chopped off and he wouldn't be able to talk for another year or three. So Levi quickly backed off, knowing that she wouldn't stop her nagging until he did so.

At nights, it was cold in the hospital. Eren was huddled with the loose, thin sheets bunched up to his face, trying to hold in all the warmth that his body produced and quickly lost. When he had been smaller, he couldn't even move his arms, let alone hands and fingers, so over time, he eventually learned to function without fully working legs and arms. Although, sometimes, it would be a lot easier if he could use his legs to run from everyone, it would help him if he could use his arms properly to reach out to that light that kept walking away from him, but turned around every so often to make sure he was trying to keep up. He was trying his best, but without the strength to do so, he would easily fall behind.

When he had been tossed down the well in elementary, all he felt was the cramped and stuffiness of the bottom, the slippery stones digging into his sides. If he hadn't been immobilized, maybe he could've ran when the kids had started pushing him backwards, or maybe if he had not ever had his disability, he wouldn't have been picked on to start with. They would've found somebody else to torment, and he would have been left alone. Being alone certainly felt better to him than immersing himself in a crowd of people who only told him they cared and then left him when he needed help the most. Liars would be worse than being isolated forever.

But sometimes, you run into that one special person who doesn't seem to hold the aura of dishonesty and filth. You'd have to be lucky to recognize that person, though, before they ran off from you with their backs turned. Ones who aren't likely to look back, but if you could catch them before they left, they'd stay forever.

Eren glanced at Levi's phone, and wondered if he could call the dorm's number right now and talk to him. Maybe he could call Mikasa, maybe Armin who was studying millions and millions of miles away. His hands steadily reached out to grab the small rectangle, and with his only strength in his fingers, he found a note telling him the number to the dorm. It made him smile, how Levi had already planned it out, knowing he'd be lonely at the hospital all night and day while everyone else had school or went on to finish their lives without him.

It rang once, twice, then he picked up.

"You lasted two hours." The raven said, and Eren could picture him slightly smiling as he thought that Eren was so needy.

"Sorry, white walls and smelly sheets eventually get to you." In the darkness of the night, you wouldn't see Eren smiling to himself, but he was. When he smiled, his eyes lit up, showing the world how much he could survive on his own. He wasn't weak, he didn't need anyone's assistance anymore. He only wanted someone to lean on and talk to, and right now, Levi was that specific person.

"The hospital said that if you seem fine tomorrow, you'll be able to come back to campus."

"That's great to hear." Eren knew what he wanted to tell the other, but didn't know how to put it in words that wouldn't greatly shake up the raven. "I.. If I ever leave, make sure you forget about me, okay?"

"You're not going anywhere, Eren."

"I know that," on his side, he attempted a small smile, mostly to tell himself that, not Levi, "but let's say that one day, I'll-"

"I know you enough that I know you wouldn't give up so easily. Eren Jaeger wouldn't let death take hold of him so easily." Levi's voice began to become agitated, and there was a hint of desperation, knowing that once Eren thought himself un-saveable, he would have no way of going back.

"I-"

"If you don't find anymore reason to live," Eren knew that Levi would be able to move on without him, he barely knew him, and yet here he was regretting what he had brought up, "then let me be your reason to live."

The line stayed silent, and Eren in the hospital room with his mind scattered by the response he had gotten, and Levi on the other end, resting by the wall as he waited for the brat's retaliation. But it never came, instead a small laugh from Eren, something that he had not felt for so long finally poured from him. It was something that reminded him of when his mother was alive, when she would run her fingers through his hair as she sang him to sleep, telling him that morning would come, the sun would rise. Hope, he felt hope.

"Thank you. Thank you so much, Levi." The raven thought he heard Eren crying, and in the hospital room, the boy's shoulders racked from every shuddering breath. These were not tears from giving up, it wasn't something the boy had let out since he had seen his mother's smiling face, letting out all his emotions built up over the years, coated now by a recently found hope that came in the form of Levi. Hope, desperation that his light wouldn't suddenly flicker out now since he had finally found it, and that he was brave enough to push forward, and not to look back. Race against his own fate, let himself be in total control of when he would die and when he would live, let his timeline now stretch out until he could no longer see, until death would take him away. He would fight it as long as he could, because he had found his reason to do so.

"You shitty brat." Levi was smiling too, resting against the wall and his mouth stretched open wide. Nobody saw this, though, and nobody would. It was something that he would hold in secret until he knew why he smiled. He finally smiled without holding back, the Ackerman family's disease that it had left in its tracks of destruction had finally started to wear off from him, and a new light shone in Levi's eyes. That was Eren Jaeger.

***

Levi sat near the corner of his bed, looking at the two others that stood in front of him. One he knew was there only to annoy him, and the other probably needed to discuss some school problems.

He'd have to play it cool, and then they'd leave without thinking. "What the fuck do you want, Erwin, Hanji."

The male spoke up, clearing his throat as he did so, "I just want to inform you of all of Eren Jaeger's medical reports and what might happen while he's attending. Hanji was here because she wanted to help as Eren's personal doctor."

Hanji bowed, clasping her hands together in a somewhat playful fashion. "Please, please, please?!"

Levi ignored her, and directed his attention to the blond. "Can I see?" On the papers, there were reports dating all the way back to when he was two years old. Levi knew that with his disability there would of course be a bunch of medical forums and paperwork that he'd have to read cautiously over and sign some, but he had not expected some to be filed under attempted suicide when he was seven, and possible domestic abuse. He knew that Eren and his father didn't get along very well, and he knew what it felt like to be abandoned, but this was surprising even him. When Eren was nine, he had been in the hospital for two weeks because of a faint, supposedly because of lack of sleep, but Levi knew otherwise.

He could easily call Eren right now, he was probably even waiting in the hospital for that, but he didn't know how to start talking to the brat when all he could think about was how he didn't want Eren to die. With this type of medical record, Eren was on the line between death and life, hanging precariously over barbed wire that if he tripped, would fall to his death. He even knew that fact himself, so that's why he had told Levi what he had, in case he made a mistake. But Levi would be there to catch him, right?

"Hanji, I want you to take good care of him, make sure nothing like what had previously occurred happens ever again. I don't want him to feel sad, either."

"Somebody seems interested in a brat, don't you think?" Hanji laughed, and patted Levi on the back. When I say pat, I meant she slammed her arm against his spine, all the while laughing with that crazed look in her eyes.

"Just make sure he doesn't give up, okay? If you see him sad, depressed, broken, take him out for dinner, buy him something nice, take him to the movies."

"Okay." They both said in unison, and they both knew that this wasn't laughing matters, and that they would pledge their lives to follow their new orders if it meant keeping Eren alive.

"Oh, and one more thing about the funeral," Levi quickly changed the topic, and then both stayed silent, "It's set for tomorrow, so get some nice clothes and make sure to be on time."

"Yessir." This was something they fooled around with, even in the most serious times, just to cheer the others up when they didn't feel all that great. They liked to salute each other, while wearing goofy smiles.

***

Eren was sitting in the wheelchair while Mikasa pushed him inside the dorm, while Levi lingered far, far behind. If he had tried to help Mikasa, he would've been quickly shoved aside by her anger for him, the anger that also could not be explained but came with the territory. Eren glanced back at the male, and their eyes met while Mikasa stayed oblivious of their looks.

While Eren had been in the hospital, many things had come and gone through his window that showed him the outside world near the road that led into the building. Since the night he and Levi had talked, nothing else much exciting went about, except for a new nurse who was practically incapable of not dropping things for more than two minutes. Recalling what Levi had told him, and now staring into his cold, silver eyes that seemed to have changed dramatically throughout the couple days he knew him, his heart pounded silently in his chest. He'd never know why he felt like this, but that honestly didn't bother him too much right now.

"Eren," Levi spoke when Mikasa had finally let him inside his own room, all the while glaring at him and making sure he didn't move around too much, "tomorrow, I'm going to be absent, so you'll have to get around on your own. And I'm sorry about leaving you on your first day at school, but I can't cancel my plans." He added, looking at Mikasa, almost daring her to object. She did, of course.

"You can't possibly think that Eren will be fine tomorrow?!"

Levi nodded, and continued, "I'm sure he can manage on his own. He's not a child anymore, Mikasa."

"But what about other kids?"

"If anyone tries to hurt him, I'll beat them up."

"That's my job, you know." Levi almost smiled at what she had said, mostly out of hysteria, because of how stubborn Mikasa was being. Then again, when was she ever rational? "What about Erwin or Jean?"

"Erwin's coming with me, and I don't think Jean would be the type to help Eren."

"Why not?" Mikasa sounded angry, and if you looked close enough, you could probably see steam rising out of her hot head.

"Well, you see, they already met."

Eren butted in, "And it didn't go very well."

"I see," Mikasa's lips curled, and she glared into Levi's eyes, trying to tell him not to go to wherever he had to go so badly tomorrow. But his actions could not be prevented, and Mikasa knew that. She also knew that Eren was perfectly fine handling himself, and he could steer away from trouble.

Levi helped Eren out of his chair and onto the bed, while Mikasa tried to help. When the two males didn't attempt to let her in, she eventually gave up and flopped down on Levi's bed. Milliseconds after she did this, Levi's foot met with her face, and then she fell down on the floor.

"Don't fucking lay on my bed."

"No need to over react there." Tension was built up between the two, and Eren sat there looking curiously into their silent argument, trying to put together in his mind what was happening. One minute they were talking together so restrained, and then they were fighting on the floor with each other in headlocks and legs tangled as they tried to fight for the winning spot. Neither won, although Mikasa would usually give in first. "But I'll be staying over here tonight."

"Huh?! Like hell you're sleeping in my bed." Levi spat, hoping to get her out as soon as he could.

"I was just joking, jeez, take a break, old man."

"I'm not a fucking old man."

"You're older than I am, so that makes you old."

He stuck up his middle finger as she continued to relentlessly bother him, and Eren just sat watching- and silently laughing. When Mikasa didn't give up his bed, he sat down next to Eren. "If you don't give my bed back, I'll be sleeping with this brat."

"Fucking- fine, I'm leaving."

She stood up and flew out the door, almost literally. With her she also took the hostility out of the air, and Eren seemed to relax while Levi was staring holes into the dent she had made in his bed, and not to mention the filth he'd have to sleep with during the night, knowing that he had no time to wash the sheets and have them dry to get up early enough in the morning. So he looked over to Eren with pleading eyes, hoping that the brat wouldn't mind a visitor for one night.

"No, sleep in your own bed, Levi."

"But, Mikasa-"

"Stop acting like she's your sister and get over it. She isn't particularly dirty- and if you think she is, I'm the same."

"You're not dirty." Levi told him, knowing that he had a reason he wasn't thinking of the filth coating the brat daily. He also knew that his sister was ten times full of more dirt and filth than Eren was, so he could live with living around Eren if he knew that.

"But," Eren's eyes darted away from Levi's, and his face turned a noticeable red, "I wouldn't mind if you wanted to, I guess."

"What do you mean by that, you brat?"

"I-I mean that if you wanted to sleep with me, then you could!" Eren sputtered out, trying his hardest to keep his eyes away from the other male's, and then he hung his head to make sure Levi knew how much he was embarrassed. His hair was ruffled, and Levi quietly chuckled to himself, enjoying how foolish Eren was being.

"As much as I'd love to, your sister would chop off all my limbs if I did so, so I won't. But I'll take up your offer some other time, okay?" Eren looked disappointed, but nodded in agreement.

Then Levi's tone went from playful to serious, because he knew that tomorrow would be a milestone that wouldn't be easy to complete, since not all of the kids were as accepting to people who were different as Eren was on the first day or so. But he could always send Petra to look over him, that is if Petra even wanted to speak with Levi. "Tomorrow, if you call me, I'll head straight home, but I don't know how long that would take. And if I could stay here, I would. I just need to be a couple hours south for a day, but then you should be fine."

"Right. I can take care of myself."

Levi took out his phone, and searched for his old girlfriend's number, which had been hidden so very well, and he had forgotten the numbers in case of a situation like this. It only took three rings for her to pick up.

"Why the hell are you calling me." Petra greeted him, just as always.

"I need you to do me a favor."

"Look, I might've given you that promise that I'd do anything if you needed help, but we've split ways, and I don't really know anymore." At this point, Levi exited the room, closing the door behind him so Eren wouldn't hear if he had to shout. But of course he would hear, the walls were only so thick.

"I need you to look over a new student while I'm out, and if anything happens, I want you to call me right away."

"Sounds like you're ditching him."

"I'm not, I'm going to the funeral."

"...Fine, just point me out to him, and I'll make sure he doesn't die. But I don't see what you're so worried about, the kid should be able to take care of himself."

"He's paralyzed, Petra, I need your help."

"I just said I would, so don't worry. I'm heading over to campus in the morning, and then I'll see to it that he doesn't get injured or anything."

"Thanks."

"I don't see why you care so much over someone who is just a kid."

"Neither do I." Levi hung up minutes later, after catching up with her, and then sighed. When he opened the door to the room, Eren looked at him, trying to tell him something by the way he looked into his eyes as Mikasa had been doing.

"Sorry, that was just a friend."

"She sounded like your girlfriend to me."

"Well, she _was_." Levi informed him, and then helped him climb into bed.

"What happened?"

"I was with her for a month, and then I didn't feel committed, so I broke up with her."

"That was all?" Eren sent him something similar to a skeptical eyebrow raise, although it didn't quite work as he had wanted.

"Well, no. I didn't understand why I couldn't love her, and I didn't want her to be dragged in further to a relationship that would eventually break off like we had done, so I finished it early. Besides, we were never stable to begin with, so we both saw it coming."

"Why couldn't you love her?"

"I still don't know." Eren let the subject drop, seeing how much Levi seemed to be hurting through the many layers of defense he put up, and he knew that Levi still missed her, no matter what he would say against it. But he also knew that Levi was the type of guy to get over somebody and be able to push them to the back of his mind where they would be locked up forever and never reopened unless pushed by some brat named Eren. And that's what he planned on doing so Levi knew why he broke up with whoever he was talking about, and made sure he came to some closure through it. He knew that lingering on the past was a dangerous thing to do indeed.


	5. Chapter 5

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Daylight streamed into the small classroom's windows, slightly brightening up the dusty and old, battered chairs and desks. Eren looked around with slight worry and skeptically admired the way other students stared at him like he was something that didn't belong on earth- which he could often relate to. When the teacher pointed him to wheel over next to him, he cautiously glanced to the other student's whispering voices, quickly hushed when the teacher glared at them, trying to hold them together and keep them behaved.

"Everyone, this is our new student. I want you to treat him as if he was anyone else, let him in on group projects, and make him feel welcome here. We all see that he's different, but we shouldn't let that bother us, just act like he was a celebrity here." Then he turned to Eren, telling the boy to introduce himself.

"I-I'm Eren Jaeger, and I'm a freshman." Quickly giving somewhat of a bow, he smiled brightly to the other kids holding his head high. "I'd love to be able to get along with you."

"Okay, Eren, there's an empty area over near where Connie and Sasha are sitting. Go make yourself comfortable." He looked over to the corner seat, where two people waved and smiled with the goofiest grins ever, but it certainly made him feel welcomed.

Earlier that morning, when Eren had woken up from the soft bed sheets that he had just made himself comfortable in, Levi had left, only leaving a single note and a bowl of noodles, telling him that if he wanted to be stubborn and reject the noodles, that there would be cereal in the drawers near the fridge where Levi had put some accessible things for Eren, knowing that he'd have a rough time trying to reach up to the cabinets above head.

But something so small done for someone so puny in this game of life meant a lot to Eren- more than he'd ever be able to show or repay for ever in his lifetime, knowing that being disabled, he couldn't take Levi anywhere, and Levi would be the only one taking care of him while he was useless to everyone. Eren didn't know why anyone stuck with him at this point, mainly because his father had ran away when he didn't want to handle Eren anymore, and that his best friend had escaped to Europe to study abroad for four years without sending a single note back to him where he would check the mailbox every now and then.

"I'll hand out some papers for the assignment due on Tuesday, make sure you hand them back in on Monday, and then have your projects ready by the following day." The teacher told everyone, quickly looking in Eren's direction, then at Connie, who nodded in understandment.

"Eren," Connie started, "we've been working on an essay about 'the world in two years' or in other words, letters to the future that'll never be sent- probably."

Sasha, trying not to show the obvious chip bag in her hand, spoke up, "And all three of us are writing one, then we'll hand them in on Tuesday. Also, everyone was assigned a project, something lax that we could decide on, so everybody will have something different."

"Okay."

Eren looked down at the piece of empty paper handed to him, then at his lap, knowing that all he'd ever have to say was mostly to complain about how the world would be filled with drugs and dealers, that kids would be raised knowing that the norm was to smoke and be addicts and fall out of high school. He knew that in two years, the world would surely fall apart, despite the short time for it to happen, he was sure that it was possible.

"You could do it online, too, if you don't want to do it on paper." Sasha said, and Eren knew that she was thinking about him not feeling comfortable trying to use his hand and keeping it stable enough to write well and clear enough that anyone- that also means himself- to be able to further read it in the future.

"Thanks, I'll print it out, I guess."

Connie changed the subject, and held up the sheet that the teacher had given out, "First paragraph, why you chose the project you did, second is to fill in two words from each person in the group telling what you think best describes the project, and lastly is to write a letter to your future self telling them what you want yourself to be when you read it in five years."

"Sounds good to me," Sasha said.

"Me too." Knowing that he'd be paired up with these two idiots, Eren knew that everything would be fine and nothing bad would be happening in this class. But he couldn't predict the future, and he didn't know what would happen in two days, or two years, or five. He didn't even know if he'd be alive in a year to say the least, and if he'd be hospitalized or still wheelchair bound, although either one pretty much told him that his future was on hold until he'd find someday that he could put his past behind him and start over again in a different body that worked properly, and in another separate life that wouldn't torment him at night and day, repeating to him that he was only worthless and a black spot on humanity.

Levi had been the first person to break through the many layers of protection covering up his depression and sadness, the first one to show him what human thoughts were, and how you were supposed to feel when you were flustered, or happy, or sad, or just comfortable in the fact that nothing would change too suddenly, and that he had always been there by his side in case.

***

Eren was shoved up against the wall, despite him being detached from his wheelchair, the two boys were able to lift him off the ground. When I say ground, I mean his chair, while he was left motionless, unable to kick or scream, or try to shove them off of him while they continued to take advantage of his lack of strength and agility.

"S-Stop," he pleaded, hoping that somebody could hear him through the open campus, with nobody walking around, which did surprise him. Usually, the campus grounds were bustling with college students trying to get to their classes, talking amongst each other while going to their dorms, or just taking an afternoon stroll. But apparently, nobody decided to approach them at this time, mainly because they all thought that Eren was already a nobody who decided to join the school, and didn't really know what he was doing in this place. They said that somebody like him wasn't supposed to be taking classes with normal people. But what was the definition of _normal_? "Please."

"Look, the kid's gonna beg for more now. I think we should let him drop." One of the two snickered, hanging Eren over away from the wall and now swinging him over the small bridge that connected the dorms to everywhere else, hanging over a bridge that had a good six foot drop.

Now you might be thinking, six feet isn't all that bad, so what if Eren fell in? It would matter, because his bones would shatter the second that he met with the water's surface, and his skin would rip open from the impact. It wasn't some dare that kids would give each other as a playful joke, this was something that could possibly kill him, or hospitalize him again. But he was used to this type of treatment, and he had been thrown down a well, for all that matters, and he hadn't been found till a few days later.

But with the feeling of helplessness overwhelming him, his tensed arms began to fall loose, while he was suspended from the water by his collar, also tugging on his neck that it made even something so simple as breathing a task.

"Look, brat. You don't belong here, and you _never_ will. You're not normal, and I'm sure your mother is even ashamed of birthing a monster as horrible as you. All you'll look for is self-pity, letting everyone around you comfort you and then pretend that you're _normal_. You're not normal."

_How had this happened?_ All he had done was gone to school, after recovering from his last incident that brought him into the hospital, and all he had wanted was to be able to fit in and make Levi proud of him that he could get along with kids here for once. He wanted to show everyone that he wasn't just helpless. He wanted to prove to his mother that he wasn't a disgrace of a child, he was somebody that she had loved, somebody that she had not wanted to let go so easily when she left everyone against her will.

Petra at that moment came running up, seeing Eren from outside the girl's dorms, a half mile back. But she wouldn't be fast enough to reach him in time, for the two people laughing at him let him slip from their holds, down to the river below them.

Eren didn't feel the tears streaming down his cheeks, but he felt a slight ting of unfinishment. He would never get to see his sister again, never be able to come back home to his best friend when they graduated, never be able to laugh at how utterly stupid Levi was some times. All of it, his whole life had always been leading up for death, and he had known that from the start. But he didn't listen, instead he'd drag everyone around him down with him while he fell down into the hole dug by himself through his seventeen privileged years that he'd been able to live with people who somewhat cared or simply put up a mask of hidden hate. With him falling so quickly, his tears streamed out, hovering in the air for a millisecond, and then falling down to the water with him as his body was unable to move or struggle against nothing.

At least he was stuck in the realization that he was slowly dying, that he wouldn't see the sun set this night, and that he hadn't ever said a proper goodbye.

But it paralyzed him more than he already was, because he wasn't aware that there was somebody diving after him when his back crashed against the water's outer layer, and he didn't hear the whispers from bystanders that were now out and walking around, talking about who his 'rescuer' was.

_"I heard that he had killed seven people when he was in middle school."_

_"He supposedly dated the Petra for a month, and then dumped her on their anniversary."_

_"How rude."_

_"Why is_ he saving the new kid?"

_"I thought he was paralyzed."_

_"He is, but nobody else would risk their life for something like this."_

_"His wheelchair is still there, who threw him in?"_

_"I heard it was two of the jocks."_

_Shut up, all of you. I can't take the pressure anymore_. Eren's vision went black when his head was completely submerged in the dark waters, his ears heard nothing but the steady pounding of his heart. That was the only thing that kept him going, the constant thumping of the muscle in his chest.

Then another body crashed into the water, swimming deeper and deeper downward. His hair was floating around when he stopped to try to get a grip on Eren's waist and pull one of his arms over the male's neck. They kept pulling up, until Eren was now secured into their grip while they used their free arm to swim back up as fast as they could, because without consciousness, Eren could be accidentally swallowing gallons of water at a time, and if he was conscious, then the situation would be even worse for him, knowing that he'd be drowning sooner than later.

But the only thing stuck in Levi's brain was to get Eren to the surface and help him wake up. Wake up. That's all he wanted. And coming straight from a funeral of your two best friends certainly didn't lighten the mood when you saw your roommate drowning in the river.

It had panicked Levi, something that he had never felt before. A sense of urgency; there wasn't an unlimited amount of time that was provided to Levi, but he kept a calm face and continued to keep his one and only mission cemented into his mind, keeping a firm grip around Eren waist, that was slowly slipping up to his chest, and Levi could feel his grip loosening. So he went faster, thinking silently that this trip to the surface had certainly been going on for a long time, but when he was holding the body next to him that was rapidly loosing it's beat, it's warmth, it's life.

Even when his house had burned down, and he was trapped within the middle of it, he had not felt this race of his heart inside of him, telling him to speed up, while time itself ran past Levi. He never had enough time.

What felt like years, he reached the surface, and he didn't care about taking another breath of air. Instead, he held Eren up ahead of him, so his face would reach the crisp air before his, that maybe Eren would be fine. That maybe he wouldn't die. It might have been the timing, but if Eren was to die here, Levi would feel pain over it, and it probably was just because he had just watched his two best friends being covered in soft grass in the cemetery, that he had just come back from watching reality pass him by.

There was a small bank leading out to the grass to the outer edges of the bridge that Levi dragged them both to, with great exertion after swimming with another life attached to his own. But he didn't care if Eren was a bother, he would continue to save him like this in the most unpredictable and possibly worst ever moments ever, as long as it meant that he wouldn't have to see Eren leave.

"Eren," Levi had now gotten the boy on the small bank, his pale form laying out in front of him, "please wake up." The raven's dark hair was cold and dripping wet, along with his white shirt underneath the black suit that he had quickly discarded as soon as he saw Eren dangling from the bridge's railing. When he didn't care whether anyone saw him in the ugly state, he tried calling out to Eren once again, his voice full of desperation. He leaned over his roommate's body, straddling him while looking into his closed eyes, hoping that he'd just wake up.

Petra had been watching the whole thing, from start to finish, and she was climbing down to where Levi sat, trying to get his attention away from Eren.

"Levi, I'm so sorry-"

The male turned up to look at her, then scowling when he finally recognized her face. "What the hell, Petra. You had one job, I gave you one job. And you fucking let him get thrown off the bridge."

"I said I'm sorry, Levi." She tried to apologize, but Levi had been so caught up in the moment with her, standing fully straight up to confront her, since he was only a couple inches taller than her, spitting words out that no man should ever tell to a women.

"You're sorry? Eren could've-" Both were interrupted by a violent coughing from behind them, and Levi turned around to see Eren sitting up, after quickly turning his head around so he wouldn't gag all over the two others.

"I'm fine, please stop fighting." The boy looked over to Petra, now knowing that this was the girlfriend Levi had been talking about. He could see that Levi now hated her, but he also knew that he probably still cared for her in even the slightest way ever, but knowing that they were still friends made him happy. He wanted the two of them to get back to a friendly basis, one that wouldn't involve so much fighting that he was watching right now, one that they could rely on each other because Levi had seemed slightly sad about his conflict with her.

"You're his friend?" Eren said, directing his attention at Petra who only nodded, looking at Eren's face like he had been a ghost only two seconds earlier, and by the way he looked, nobody could really blame her. Eren was soaked, his shirt clinging to his chest and his breathing was still heavy and obviously strained in front of Levi.

"I'm Petra, and I wouldn't exactly call us friends."

"Well," Levi cut in, hoping to get away from his roommate-killing ex-girlfriend as soon as he could, "Eren and I will be off, have a good day, Petra." When he looked into her eyes, something saddened his hardened glare that used to be so sharp and never would falter, but quickly disappeared.

He moved over to Eren's side, carefully pulling his arms around his neck, and bringing the boy's legs to squeeze his waist the best he could, knowing that Eren didn't really have enough strength to actually hold on without Levi keeping his arms tucked under his thighs, making sure he didn't slip off. Even though the brat was a hassle, Levi didn't mind, and he never would, no matter how many times he'd have to pick up Eren like this and carry him a mile back to the dorms, just so he could possibly get some sleep tonight in dry clothes.

***

The sun had finally gone down, and instead of heading straight back to their dorms, the two students were walking around the campus, talking the night away before they'd have to retire back to their rooms and let the sun rise once more before they'd talk. This was the time when Eren would ramble on about how stupid everyone was, and he wasn't over exaggerating _that_ much. Even though he was defenseless and wanted to let the built up tears flow out, no emotion would show, so he mostly sounded like a was screaming for a reason to scream. Nothing more than that, and Levi was fine listening to him.

"It's not fair, I want to be normal." Right now, Eren was hugging Levi's back as best as he could, and his arms were wrapped around the older male's neck, while his face rested in the crook of his neck. "I don't want people to automatically look at me and think that I'm a helpless child that wasn't supposed to be born and could never pass college." He continued to talk while Levi kept his hands on his legs, trying to comfort him until he would calm down enough so the Raven could enter the conversation. "I don't want anyone to look at me and pity me, I want to be a normal teenage boy who's hormonal all the time and is allowed to make mistakes and vent his anger out once in a while."

Levi sighed, and gripped Eren's thighs a little tighter, trying to reassure him. "But that's why I can manage to deal with the constant nagging of a brat that's now my roommate. It's because you're not normal, you're special."

"How am I supposed to be special."

"Well, you're funny when you're not supposed to be, you like to be brave, and you'd trust a complete stranger who's rooming with you for the next year to not kill you."

"That stranger is you."

"I suppose so."

Eren laughed, despite the situation. "You suppose? You're a nice guy who'd sacrifice more than anyone would think... That's why I think you get so hurt."

"What do you mean by getting hurt?"

"It's like warming up to a stranger, some of your strongest defenses are broken down, and all of your senses can be dulled."

"I guess that's true."

"...Do I ever make you feel that way?" Eren questioned, pulling gently on Levi's wet hair from the bottom of his neck.

"I do feel more comfortable and safe around you, like you won't suddenly hurt me."

"But what about you hurting me? There's been some rumors running around school that say you've killed somebody before."

"I would never hurt you, let alone anyone else ever hurting you."

"You promise?"

"Yeah, it's a promise." Both sounded so hopeful, like wings were attached to their backs and they now had the choice to fly away or stay grounded. The night went on, until they finally reached their destination.

The night air had cooled off dramatically, and with it the atmosphere changed. Eren would feel himself pressed up against Levi's back, sensing the warmth penetrating through their frozen clothing, through the layers of skin, through bones, he could also feel Levi's heart pounding in his chest. And his wasn't any calmer, but he could easily live with that. As long as when the sun came up, their relationship would be the same, stable and trusting, then he'd be okay with that. As long as Levi stuck with Eren no matter how many difficulties may be thrown upon them, he'd be find as long as Levi didn't leave him to fend for himself.

Even if the near future held death for Eren, he'd be happy until then as long as Levi would take care of him and treat him like he was normal and how he'd always wanted, and never left his side. Not even when he looked back would he regret this night. He didn't regret coming to this college, meeting Levi, and making promises. For how could he, when he looked down at the raven and his heart stopped, and his face felt warm, while everything felt sweeter and filled with life instead of the barren and abandoned life that he lived so far.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So let me clear this up, this story is not based on terrorism, albeit the description stating a mass shooting. I, in no way, mean to sound insensitive to the topic. 
> 
> Otherwise, I'm sorry for not updating in so long, and I'd blame it on the fact that I'm on vacation where there's no internet so I couldn't write anymore chapters.

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The two had already returned to the dorms, while Levi set Eren down on his bed, he went into the bathroom to collect towels to dry Eren off. Since they had both went swimming only a few hours prior, and that it wasn't all that warm out, both male's hair was frozen with tips of white from ice, and their shirts still clung, soaked, to their bodies. Petra had taken off when she was 'dismissed' by Levi.

It had been more of an assault than just being dismissed, since Levi blew up when he finally got Eren safe on the ground near the bridge, telling her things such as go fuck yourself, and plenty else that I have no time to mention here.

"Are you mad at me?" Eren questioned, looking up at Levi through one open eye and rubbing his head with one of the warm, white cotton towels that he had been tossed. If Eren had been anyone else, then Levi probably wouldn't have dove into the water to save him, even if he had known him for longer than he had, probably because with anyone else, Levi simply wouldn't care for a simple life. I suppose that made Eren's life more valuable to Levi than any other, so that was a great start to their friendship.

"Why should I be?"

"Well, it was mostly my fault that you came after me. If I hadn't ever came to this school then you wouldn't have risked your life because of me, and you wouldn't even know I existed. So, I guess it was all my fault that you were dragged into all this chaos."

"I don't really mind."

"Taking care of me constantly? You probably think I'm more of a burden than an infant that can't even roll around and cry." Eren chuckled to himself, picturing himself as a younger him, pathetically lying on the floor because he was helpless then. "You would've loved me when I was two, I bet."

"I'm sure." Levi finished drying off, and sat down next to Eren who was being propped up by pillows on the bed so he wouldn't fall back, and he used his own towel to ruffle through the brunet's hair, making sure that his hair was fully dry. "I don't mind being dragged into your life, it isn't all that bad, if you ask me."

Both males sat in silence for the next few minutes, until Eren remembered about his project due the following day for his class with Connie and Sasha. "I've got homework to do." He tried to excuse himself until he realized that he wasn't going anywhere without Levi's assistance from getting off of the bed onto the wheelchair, and then after that he couldn't even use his hands to type out a few sentences onto the computer, which reminded him of how helpless in life he really was. And it hurt him to think that he'd be like this for the rest of his life, knowing that he was useless and wasn't even supposed to be in this world, yet somehow made it through his first few years alone and now needs special assistance everywhere he went. It hurt him to know that he'd never have any freedom, so his mind popped up some brilliant, fucking stupid ass idea that he knew was never going to work, but instead of stopping his mouth when it started, he encouraged it. Stupid Eren.

"Hey, Levi..." Said man hummed, continuing to rub Eren's hair dry, "I want you to teach me to walk."

His hand immediately stopped his actions, and he let the towel slip, but inside, he was almost happy for Eren. Levi didn't know if it was possible now for Eren to be able to function using his legs and arms properly, but it was worth a shot. And if it failed, then Eren would most likely be a moping mess for the next month or two, so Levi wasn't sure if it was safe to try.

"Okay." But he knew that there would be no stopping Eren if he wanted to this, so he caved in, his mind following after when his mouth had already spoken for him.

Eren's face lit up, though, looking at Levi's, and then smiling. "Really? You think it's a good idea?"

"No, I never said that, but why not?" Both started laughing, and a smile spread across Levi's face. Although it wasn't all that noticeable, of course Eren saw every detail of it, making sure to harden it into his mind that he had finally seen Levi smile in person. Although it wouldn't be the first time Levi had smiled because of Eren, it would be the first for Eren being able to actually see the eye opening sight for himself in person, unlike over the phone in a cramped hospital room, just trying to imagine the smile on Levi's face instead of getting to be inches away from it.

"You've got pretty eyes." Eren said without a second thought, because hell, if he had thought twice on it, he would've probably chickened out and never said something so embarrassing to the raven in front of him. But he said it, and Levi continued to laugh, letting everything that he had not been letting go for his whole life right now, but the sound of his mouth exhaling breath was the most beautiful thing Eren had ever experienced, so he didn't interrupt Levi's angelic laughing. He wanted to be able to absorb every detail of Levi's crinkled corners of his eyes when his mouth turned upward, and the way his teeth shone when they peeked out of his lips, and the way that Levi's whole body reacted to the way his mood changed, from smiling to laughing, to being an angry ass person who would kick mostly everyone who talked to him.

When Levi had finally found a break in his outburst, which would've surprised even the most stoic person, telling everyone that he was indeed human and not some robot that had great combat skills and never smiled, for he had smiled, he took back his previous personality, keeping his cold and sharp tongue. "You shitty brat."

***

"Alright, your uniform, Eren." Mikasa shoved something resembling a white and blue suit, with shoes and his hanger.

Mikasa had invited herself into their dorm, while Levi was in the bathroom taking a shower. He certainly returned with a surprise, and Mikasa was quickly shoved into the wall where her body print still stayed from last time she had visited. Of course, there was a strict 'no visiting' policy, so when Mikasa showed up for the second- and uninvited time- even Eren freaked out, now more accustomed to the school's rules.

"Gee, uh, thanks."

Levi spoke up, his arms crossed as he leaned up against the wall next to the Mikasa body-imprint, "The hell's he going to need that for? The school doesn't normally use uniforms unless it's a special occasion."

"Duh, there's a family lunch in a few days." Mikasa rolled her eyes. Nobody knew when the two had started treating the other like the annoying sibling that was never welcomed, but it happened more than you'd think. It was kind of cute watching them bicker while they were both oblivious of being related- sort of.

"Fuck, I forgot about that."

Eren was confused right now about who would be coming to see him, since his dad wasn't likely to be the first on the list, and he knew nobody else that could be related to him and want to visit. "And why am I going, Mikasa?"

"Because," she glanced over to Levi, "there's somebody you should meet. Not actually related to us, but they're visiting us then instead of Dad."

"Who?"

"It's actually two people, from... Overseas."

"Overseas?"

"I think that's what I said, but I can't tell you until they get here." Mikasa walked over to Levi's bed, and sat down in the middle of it, just to piss off the raven on purpose, because everyone knew that nobody was allowed on his bed after the last incident with Mikasa meeting the ground once again.

"Get the fuck off." Levi tried pushing her off, but of course, she wouldn't budge when he literally sat down on top of her.

"No way, old man."

"Stop calling me that."

"Get off me first."

"You can't blackmail me."

"I just did... Old man." Eren looked at the two, thinking of how incredibly stupid they were acting, but didn't disrupt their spat, only because it was interesting to watch from his view.

Going to his desk- Mikasa had helped him onto his wheelchair earlier, he took out his laptop from the shelf under the table, and then waited for the words to appear on the screen. Since he wasn't going to type anything out himself, he wanted to, but simply couldn't, he still waited until one of the black-haired people in front of him to let up their bickering, otherwise he'd be waiting for a while. And a while he did wait.

While Levi and Mikasa continued to pick a fight, especially when their heat was finally starting to cool off, Eren admired Levi's eyes, the way the middle of his forehead would crease together when he was angry, like he always was, the way that when he was not angry his eyes would be silver specks that would almost glow in the night, and when he was angry, well, they would look like beacons that would lead home a lost ship at sea to Eren. And he couldn't put his finger on why he thought so much like this towards Levi and everything about him, he was just a roommate, a friend, if that, and only that, right?

Without noticing his glance, Eren continued to look at Levi who was now staring at Eren with confused eyes, while Mikasa held her fist up in the air, inches away from the male's face but stopped when she saw who Levi was looking at. Both of their gazes met, and for the briefest moment, Eren was almost swept into those eyes, but then looked away to Mikasa, who also held the same confusion about what was going on, only slightly different.

But when he looked away, and when Levi wasn't quite prepared, Mikasa swung her open arm at his jaw, earning a loud, cracking sound when her fist hit his bone. Eren wasn't paying much attention, though. He was more focused now on the words that Armin had once told him when they were kids living together.

He had told Eren something along the lines of advice to know when you fall in love, and it certainly wasn't that appropriate to be thinking back on this conversation right now, since Levi was now bleeding through the nose and was on the ground with one arm to support himself, but Eren couldn't help himself.

Then Mikasa was flipped over to her back, her arms pinned behind her, while she continued to struggle from Levi's grip, which held tight throughout the entire time he was now looking at Eren. The brunet wasn't really focusing on anyone, or anything, more like the past. The past that had included his dad, his mother who was still alive, his best friend, Armin, and his dog. But all of those people had disappeared from his life long, long ago, when they didn't try to get him back, didn't try to run after Eren. He knew that he mostly missed Armin, but there would be an occasional memory or two about his mom, the one who had been the only one to treat him like her son, although she was drunk more than not.

Eren didn't know if he had done something wrong that his mother left, or that he was simply too much of a disgrace being the son of a doctor that she couldn't take it anymore. He never actually knew the reasoning behind his mother's death, but he was almost sure that she hadn't died of age, more likely to have been affected by the amount of drugs, alcohol, and smoking she had been on.

But that was the past, and Eren knew that it was unhealthy to linger on something so fragile yet already made, and he knew that it would not change no matter how much begging he'd do at night for his mother to come back to him and tell him that everything would be okay and that he wasn't the monster he really was. Because that's what mothers do, make their children's happy no matter what it would include, even dying for them.

***

Mikasa had left- very reluctantly- and Levi sat on the edge of his bed, while Eren was in his own.

"Thank you." Eren said, but his voice wasn't very loud, only above a whisper.

"For what?"

"For saving my life, I guess." The younger laughed, realizing how stupid that sounded. "Yeah, thanks for saving my life today."

"You idiot."

"Sorry." Behind his apologies, he knew what he felt for Levi. What Armin had said when they were younger, something about noticing little details that are usually worthless and ugly on a person, but to you, they'd look like your shining star, telling you something if you could understand what. Something else about how simply being together you feel on fire, in a good way, and you feel happy around that person. But didn't that just mean that Eren was a great friend with Levi now? How was all of this supposed to work when it didn't refer to a man and women? Two men? It had to be just friends.

No, Eren knew that what he kept telling himself was pretty much complete bull, and that anything really applied to feeling a connection between two people.

"Levi," until he heard the soft snoring from beside him he thought that it would be the right time to tell him, but instead he fell asleep. Goodbye, plans and courage, Eren would just have to build it up when they woke up, or maybe in two more years. Now that he thought more about it, two years still didn't give him enough time, more around... Forever. Yeah, forever works. And even though he knew Levi was asleep, not paying any attention to him, he would still say it, just so if in the future he'd never be able to, that he could get it off his mind now. "I like you, thanks for everything."

Little did he know that his first attempt to get Levi's attention had woken him up, and now he was listening intently incase something Eren wanted was important enough to respond to. When he had said this, Levi's back tensed up, and he knew that it was better to pretend to be asleep, for the greater good of the brat's mind. If he responded with 'I love you, too, let's get married,' then Eren would probably be scared off, and for the good reason. If someone suddenly confesses to you, and then you just jump out of the corner telling them you feel the same way, then you'd most likely scare them off. Especially if you had already been pretending to be asleep.

But for the first time in a great while, Levi felt a warmth inside of him, and he finally went to sleep in a matter of minutes, instead of his normal tossing around in bed for over three hours due to his idiotic brain that wouldn't turn off quick enough.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss, kiss, thank you, and sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! New chapter! I hope all of you are still enjoying this fic, if so please feel free to leave comments and everything that you'd like improved or changed, or ideas, even constructive criticism. See you ^_^

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ＳＵＭ ⑥ ＭＥＲ  
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When Eren was wheeling into the campus, everyone started at him, looking like he'd been reincarnated- which wasn't very far off from what really happened. Yesterday, when he had been tossed off the bridge, almost everyone was watching, yet nobody did anything except for Levi. When said man went to his classes, he was also whispered about, and all he could really do was pretend none of what had happened really ever happened.

But that wasn't as easy for Eren, seeing that wherever he went, people with questions followed, and they wouldn't stop asking him about what really happened, if he had an 'out of body experience,' or if he had been scared or whatnot. Of course, he was forced to answer some of the questions, which only lead up to more, so the whole day went on with him being mostly isolated in classes trying to hide from all the prying eyes around the classrooms. If he'd try to ask somebody about the question on the board, all he'd get in return would be questions. And more queries. They would never let up, so he was forced to deal with being a celebrity for a couple days until this faze would pass- if it ever would, that is.

But his class with Connie and Sasha would be a relaxing moment, because they were possibly the only ones who wouldn't bombard him with questions as soon as he entered the room. But they did help him out with the project he never got to get around to finish the night before, mainly because of his roommate arguing with his sister for a couple hours, and maybe falling off of a bridge. You know, all the normal things students come up with for an excuse for their lack of homework.

But Connie was nice to him, writing out everything that he'd say, and then Sasha proof-read it, making sure that Connie's handwriting was somewhat readable. It was, surprisingly.

Right now, they had finished the 'two years from now' project and were working on finishing the letter to their future selves. Connie held the pencil in his hand, waiting for Eren to finish his thought. "I hope that myself in five years will be able to walk without a wheelchair, and maybe have some friends."

"You've sure got a short list." Sasha stated, shoving a chip into her mouth. Of course, she wasn't _supposed_ to be eating, but nobody tried to stop her.

"Well, I guess those two things are the only real wants I have right now. Maybe a family- like that's going to happen, though."

"I'm sure you'll find someone who can put up with your cockiness." What Eren appreciated the most about the two was that they never would once mention his disability, they would joke about other flaws like this, not him unable to do anything. It made him feel slightly more like a teenager for once, living a life with carefree friends and having a life surrounded by school and the campus. Although he knew that eventually, they would graduate and he'd be left alone in the world once more, but right now, he was fine with knowing that in the present, everything would be fine.

"Jeez, thanks." He laughed, and stole a chip from Sasha's bag, of course not going unnoticed by her with his actions, but she let it slide.

"And maybe still be alive.." Eren laughed when he realized the two were staring at him with an unnerving glance, and tried to shake off what he had said, "Sorry, of course I'll be alive."

"Good."

The one problem with this assignment for Eren was that he had no need to write down any of this, because he knew that he'd most likely not see to make it to the end of graduation, but who could linger on such stupid thoughts when your life may be flying past you without your notice. Keeping up with the present was all he needed to do, and then maybe think about tomorrow some other day.

Without his father here to tell him how he was such a useless failure in life, needed to be abandoned when he was born unless it was from his mother's need to take care of the boy, Mikasa and all of the other people here at the campus were taking his place slowly. When he'd hear insults thrown at him, they only really reminded him of his father, living in the place where he'd have no freedom and was stuck on the ground all day to obey all his father's orders. If his father wanted him to starve, he'd starve, if he was to be beaten, then that was exactly what would happen. Until his mother died, everything had been somewhat possible to handle and manage on a daily basis, but when she wasn't around anymore to keep his father from hurting him, there was no end until he too left.

The teacher was around the class tables, collecting the papers from the finished assignments that had been each group's elective, then taking the other notes and letters that Eren had just finished telling Connie.

Connie was a nice guy, from what Eren had collected so far, he was crazy in love with Sasha, and made a bunch of inappropriate jokes at the wrong times and loved to be insane in the mind. But nobody seemed to mind him around school, even though he wasn't popular, everyone- almost everyone- knew about his existence.

The teacher had given Eren a glance before taking his paper, knowing already what had gone down the day before. He also knew that Eren wouldn't like to fuss over the past, and that he'd already had enough of the student's whispers and lies to him. But he was a teacher, so what could he do about that? Nothing, that's totally, one hundred percent correct, seeing that he's only a teacher and hadn't yet taken this matter into his own hands to stop the bullying directed at Eren that almost killed the boy if Levi had not been there. So he wasn't to blame, of course not. He was only a teacher, after all.

Maybe he felt guilt, or shame, or just simply didn't care about Eren's life or well-being at all since he quickly turned away and walked up to the front of the classroom to start filing the papers into his bag that he'd take home and work on that night.

***

Back in Levi's dorm, after Eren had come back from his classes and Levi was also done, Mikasa was banging on the door, yelling at Levi to open the door. She wasn't here to see Eren. No, this time it was for an entire different reason.

"Levi! Please let me in!"

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I need to talk to you!"

"You can talk just fine through this door, bitch!" Eren wasn't paying the two anymore mind, because this was happening on a daily basis, although Mikasa had always come for one reason only. To see Eren.

"Then come out here!" Levi sighed, knowing that she wouldn't give up so easily, and ripped the wooden door open with probably too much force, and then slammed it behind him with just as loud of an impact.

"Fine, what do you want?" He crossed his arms, glaring at Mikasa, who returned the gesture.

"It's about you and me, and the Ackerman family."

"What do you want between us? I know you're an Ackerman, but what does that have to do with any of this?" Levi knew that his secret wasn't being hidden very well, knowing that now Mikasa was aware of it- or at least, that's what he thought.

"Yes, I'm an Ackerman. And you are, too." The other raven's breath faltered, trying to think of way to cover up his name before he'd have to admit defeat.

Long ago, one man took Levi in to his house and family when he had nothing else. Long ago, Levi had been given the name of Ackerman, something that still connected him to the filth named Kenny Ackerman.

"What would make you think that I'm an Ackerman?"

"God," Mikasa groaned, facing her head to the side as she almost decided on giving up, "you really are stubborn. Why won't you just tell me the truth?"

"Why would it matter, anyways? So what if I'm an Ackerman, you are, too."

"I think I'm fully aware of my family name." She lingered on telling Levi how she knew of his name, and now knew of his background by asking some friends of friends a couple days ago. "You know already that I was adopted into the Jaeger family, and that I have no intent to hurt you, Levi. And I am sure that you know of my uncle, Kenny Ackerman. The same man who took you in twelve years ago."

"Okay, you may not be as dumb as you look."

She ignored the insult, and continued on, "Okay, I was talking with Eren's father- our father, over the phone recently, and he told me about his relationship with the Ackerman family. If Eren finds out about this, he'll be in trouble."

"You're saying that you just now found out about our small, family spat over a hundred years ago?"

"Yes, but you don't see the point, Levi. What I'm trying to say is that if Eren ever finds out about you being an Ackerman, or even knowing about the family, he'll be in danger. He knows that I'm an Ackerman, and he knows all about the family. If he finds out about you being an Ackerman, too, then he'll go digging through information about the whole thing again and find out about things that he shouldn't know. I don't want him to get that far, and I also don't want him to know about my chat with his father."

"So, is he going to get butthurt if I do say anything about my connection?"

"Maybe, no, I don't know what will happen. That's why I don't want you to let him find out, and try to keep your name hidden for as long as you can unless he mentions it ever in one of your conversations."

"And what if he does?" Levi questioned, still unconvinced.

"Then, tell him the truth. Tell him about what I'm about to tell you, and then make sure he's fine with all of the information, and that he won't go digging through the internet and doing his worrying."

"And what if I won't be able to stop him?"

"Then... Make sure you follow him, make sure he doesn't get caught up in anything illegal, or dangerous."

"Fine."

I'll spare you of the rest of the conversation, and bring you back to when Mikasa took her leave, leaving Levi alone with Eren.

The raven sat, looking at Eren's eyes, on the edge of the younger's bed. The three words from the night before still rang with such a melody that would tear him out of his slumber in the darkness and bring him out to the daylight, able to see clearly and yet still not so. When he now looked at Eren, he was at a loss of what to say, how to start a conversation, and what would happen from then on out, after hearing what Mikasa had to say about Eren's dad.

"So..." Eren started, glancing over to Levi's spot where he sat, and then back to his hands, resting in his lap, "What did you and Mikasa talk about?"

"Oh, nothing. She was just ripping my head off for being close to you, only the usual." Levi gave him a somewhat shrug resembling a reassuring gesture, while he got up to make some tea in the kitchen, also trying to avoid the conversation.

"Do you want any?" He offered, but Eren shook his head and let his back fall on the bed, letting his hands drop to his side. When he thought about Levi yesterday, he'd look at him like his light, but now... He knew Levi was trying to hide something from him, and he knew that that was why Mikasa had come, and that she had told him not to tell Eren anything. But when he'd look at him now, all he'd see was part of the empty remains of the person he greatly looked up to. Someone honest, somebody faithful, someone who would never be controlled by force. But he was still as caring and thoughtful as he had always been, at least as much as Eren had seen inside of him, not how he really acted towards strangers and friends.

When Levi came back, he seated himself back down where he had been, glancing over at Eren's sprawled out figure, almost wanting to lay his head down on top of Eren. But instead, he took another sip of the hot drink, and then set it to rest in his hand.

"Eren," he didn't receive a response, but he knew that Eren was listening, "About what Mikasa told me, it wasn't really that important. I don't want you to think too much about it, so just forget the whole thing, okay?"

"Did she tell you to stay away from me?"

"Of course, when wouldn't she?" Levi quietly chuckled, but then noticed that Eren was serious. His lips were forming something between a frown and a pout, while if you looked close enough, his brows were furrowed. Levi could only begin to guess what he was thinking about.

"Do you think she's right?"

"...Not particularly."

"Why's that?"

Taking another sip before answering, Levi watched how the younger male's face was relaxed, but also showing some confusion and anger. "Well, first off, you're fun to hang around with, you always are positive, even in the worst situations, and..."

"And?"

"Last night," he took another sip, his face heating up from the steam, "I-I wasn't totally asleep."

Eren's face flushed red, while he waited for Levi to leave, or possibly kick him for his embarrassment. But none of that came. Nothing, actually. Nothing happened.

"Levi," the raven turned his head to face Eren, who lay flat on his back still since he was technically stuck there, "help me up."

What a weird request, Levi thought, but obeyed anyways. When he pulled on Eren hand, with another behind his back, supporting him so he could push and pull at the same time, Eren took this chance with his only bit of muscle and energy to push himself forward quicker than what Levi was expecting. Eren almost missed, but his lips still managed to push onto Levi's, tasting of the tea he was drinking, but Eren loved it. Even though both were still in slight shock, it happened either way, and both males enjoyed it thoroughly, although Eren pulled away before Levi could regain his senses and pull him in closer.

"You taste like mint." Eren let out a laugh, short but painfully beautiful to Levi, lighting up his whole face when his mouth turned upward, and his eyes sparkled like the ocean on a bright, summer's day. It reminded him of when he was younger and had visited the ocean for the first time, seeing the blue and green mix, with white dotting the surface that the sun glistened off of. Eren reminded him of the sun, bright and welcoming. Something that you would cling to, and it would never leave.

So, instead of laughing along like he had planned, Levi did something that held so much nerve and courage, something that he'd never be able to build up again in his lifetime, but somehow managed to do so now. He leaned forward and took in Eren's laughter, his smile, his sweet taste of summer. This time, he wouldn't sit still like a rock and let Eren kiss him, this time, he'd kiss back- of course, and he'd show him how much he loved what Eren made him feel, bitter sweetness, freedom, and his favorite thing.

Summer had come.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter! Whoopie! It's already nearing school! Fun!

⁞  
ＭＩ⑦ ＮＴ  
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"Levi," it was later that night, and Eren decided to be risky and seat himself on Levi's bed- of course which he needed help and Levi happily allowed him, "let's play a game."

"Hm? What type of game?"

"Something... I ask you a couple questions, and you have to answer truthfully and honestly- and no backing out of any of them, and then it'll be your turn." Eren rolled onto his back, placing his hands up in the air which were trying to reach the raven's, as he took them and squeezed gently.

"Okay, shoot."

"Where were you the other day when I almost died?" Suddenly, the atmosphere was not playful anymore, only sadness and seriousness filled it. With the only help from knowing that Eren wasn't really mad at him for not being there, Levi built up enough courage to tell him the truth.

"Well, I... I was at my friends' funeral."

Looking down at his lap, Levi became eerily quiet, and let the realization that Eren was still gripping his hand as tightly as he could while he also was silent. "Were you sad?"

"What type of fucking question is that, you shit?" Levi mean this as a way to try to break the tension, but only ended up confusing the other male who now looked at Levi over his head.

"I.. I just thought that since you seem like the type of person who either wouldn't show any feelings and express their anger or sadness, or would ignore everyone and shut them out forever... Well, it was just a thought... Sorry."

"Stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault they died, and of course I miss them." Levi paused, looking up, and then sighing. He really did miss the two of them, but he knew that they'd be fine and happy on their own, and that neither would be happy seeing him mourn over their presence. Maybe seeing them in their wonderland would make him happy, and maybe getting to say a proper goodbye would be even better. But he missed those chances, so he'd have to just apologize through thought and mind. He knew that they'd eventually forgive him, anyway. "I just wish that I didn't leave them without anymore notice than I had, and I wanted to attend their funeral but was too late."

"What happened?"

"I just went to their cremating." Levi tried to change the topic, which Eren would gladly allow, seeing how much Levi was struggling to keep his composure. "I think that's enough questions from you."

"Okay, your turn."

"What would you say if, suddenly, Mikasa and I had to head up to Germany?"

"I would let you go if you had a good enough reason."

"Why would you be so willing to let go of me?"

"Because... I don't want to stay in your way. I know I'm just a massive burden to all of you, including Mikasa, so that's why I'd step out of the way to let you go on with your life. I don't want to hold you back, Levi."

"Let's say I was leaving for you?"

"I honesty wouldn't know what to do, then." Eren let out a small, breathy laugh while still holding on to Levi's hand. The action in itself, as usual, sent tingles spreading throughout the raven's body, warming up the coldest and deepest parts of his mind that had never been touched for the longest time, maybe never. "But if you did leave; would you miss me?"

"Of course, I'm in too deep to let you go away at night."

"Right." Eren stayed silent, until he remembered another question he wanted to ask Levi. "What was your childhood like?"

"Tough. I can't really tell you that much, but I was taken in by a man named Kenny, and he basically fucked up my one chance at survival until I came to this school- far away from him."

"Tell me, why did you always go up to France during breaks to visit your sister? And what is your brother like?"

"They weren't really biologically related to me, I just adopted them when I was still under the rule of Kenny, and then we became as tight as three people could possibly get during those days. They helped me stay sane and helped me be able to avoid depression for over seven years."

"Do you still go up to visit them?"

"Not anymore." Levi repositioned himself so he was now lying next to Eren, just with his back facing up so his chin rested on Eren's chest. It was warm, and he could feel Eren's heart beating through the thick layer of clothing that protected him from the outside chill. "What about you? Got any other family members?"

"Only my mother and father- both of whom I consider dead, although I don't know where my dad is."

"So your mother died?"

"Yeah. When I was too young to barely remember her. All I know is that people tell me that I've got her eyes and smile."

"Your mother must've been beautiful, then."

"Did you just indirectly compliment me?"

Levi chuckled, and reached his free hand up to ruffle through Eren's soft, smooth hair. "Quite possibly."

"You're cute."

"You're beautiful." Levi retaliated.

"I'm nothing like my mother. Trust me, she was probably ten times more capable and prettier than I am."

"Nah, I wasn't referring to her, I was talking about you." Levi pressed his lips to Eren's forehead, while Eren giggled. Something so childish yet aggressively cute, obsessively pulling Levi into the trap waiting for him when he sufficiently fell face over feet for the brat. "You're really beautiful, Eren."

"In that case, you're sexy as fuck."

"Wonder how much of that I received from _my_ mother." Levi really never met his mother, nor did he ever have any intentions to- whether she was alive or not. But the smell of butterscotch and raspberries always filled his old house where his mother would use to wash the linen and cook meals for the young raven.

"If she was as cute as you, then you obviously got lucky and received most of it."

"Gee, thanks."

"You're so very welcome."

Both of their mothers really only wanted the best for their sons, but at the same time couldn't provide the necessaries. If Levi's mother was still living with him, and not off wherever she was now, he would be treated like a pampered prince, as would Eren. But that's just what mothers do, they want to make their children feel special and care for them even if they keep growing and never stop.

"I'm going to make some tea, want any?"

"No thanks, but make sure to keep drinking the mint." Eren replied, still on his back and now holding a pillow on his stomach.

"Why's that?"

"Because it tastes good on you."

"You like mint, huh?"

"...I suppose. Kind of reminds me of a welcoming feeling, I guess what I would correlate to home."

"I've always thought home smelled like honey and lavender."

"Is that why you smell like lavender? Or is that just because you smell good all the time?"

"I'm not that lucky to be able to smell great constantly, but honestly, you smell a lot like honey to me. Kind of like home." Levi turned on the boiler, making sure to put his point clear through the air.

"Y-you're saying that.. Since I smell like honey, and you smell like lavender..."

The other male chuckled once more, setting his cup down that he had reached by standing on the tips of his toes. "Yeah, I guess that makes this home."

"Home. I could get used to that."

"You better."

"What if I changed what I smelled like?"

"Then I'd probably change myself, too, just remaking home."

"You're so weird."

"I know, but that's just what I'm made out of."

"I never said that was a bad thing." Silence took over the two once again, and this time, it wasn't uncomfortable. Just normal.

Since Eren was a child, he always felt like the boy the world forgot, and left behind without looking back once. When he met Levi, the male would always take care of him, and never once pity him out of his state in physical form. But when he was a child, his father would test his limits to see how paralyzed he really was. Let's just say that's another reason he couldn't bring himself to see himself as the summer to anyone else, and that he'd think he was a burden, and that he couldn't bring himself to want to stand or walk anymore. It was because of his father that this had happened, and that if his father had treated him earlier, then maybe he'd at least be able to use crutches now instead of being completely immobile. Maybe if he had been able to protest against his father and talk back then, now he wouldn't be so hollow inside.

"Thank you." Levi looked over to the brunet, smiling internally as he knew that he had fallen for the pesky, stubborn brat that laid on his bed more often than he'd let even his own sister sit. He let him go places that he'd never show others, and he _wanted_ to pamper him until he could be fully happy and without another doubt that he was loved by three people.

His mother- who he was sure was a truly beautiful woman indeed, his sister, even though she'd become a bit overprotective at times, it was still cute, and lastly, Levi himself. Not quite at the point yet where he'd admit he'd fallen in love, but he knew all the less.

"I should be thanking you, not the other way around." The raven leaned forward, gently rubbing his nose across the other boy's, then moving up to gently kiss the tip of his nose.

"For what? You're the one who saved my life, made my life a little bit easier to live through, and kept me company during nights. What did I do for you?"

"You brought me happiness." Eren blushed, turning his head away so Levi wouldn't be able to catch the whole flushed face of his, yet he really didn't care whether Levi saw or not. It wouldn't matter at his point, the other male already knew how he felt, and Eren was secured under the thought that he'd be protected his whole life by standing by side of Levi.

"You still haven't taught me to stand yet, and I guess we both owe each other."

"But what you gave me, I could never repay." Levi stated, but started moving closer to the teen, his breath smelling of mint all the same. "If you insist, though, I'll gladly help you."

"I've got one more question for you," Levi nodded, and Eren continued. "I want to sleep with you. Be able to hold onto your body and hug it as I fall asleep."

"I don't see why not."

***

Eren's legs began to tremble as Levi held onto his waist with one arm wrapped around his hips and the other around his stomach while he stood upright, their bodies pressed up against each other for support. Not sexual. Just support. At least that's what they wanted it to start out to be, and it would all come down to their self-restraint.

"Are you sure I can do this?" Came the shaking voice of Eren, who was almost on top of Levi who was trying to keep his weight in the center so he could feel more balanced.

"Of course.. How hard could it be?" Albeit saying this, Levi's knees were shaking and his arm muscles were tightening up even though Eren wasn't really that heavy at all. Besides, Levi had picked up the boy before without help, so he found it surprising that he was now struggling.

As Eren thought he was finally becoming more stable, his knees gave out and he either would fall back onto the bed, or forward on Levi, who appreciated that very much. They had been at this for more than an hour, and the same result always found them once Eren lost the tiniest bit of strength that he had slowly gained.

But when this time Eren fell completely on top of the other male, his thighs pressing up against the other's chest, and his arms sprawled out across the floor as his head was smashed into the ground, he let out a sigh in exasperation. They had been trying this for too long for any good outcome to happen. It would either be Eren's stamina, or Levi's strength that would give in and collapse first, which happened to both happen at the same time, resulting this position.

"Well," the brunet leaned in, his face inches away from Levi's, "I guess this didn't go so badly."

"You shitty brat, this is worse. I can't feel my leg." Eren laughed at this, knowing that he could do absolutely nothing about the way his body blocked up the blood circulation flowing through Levi's body, and that he knew that they'd both be in this position for quite a while unless one of them found a way to pry Eren's body off of Levi's. Which of course, didn't happen.

Instead, Eren's head was pulled down to meet Levi's lips. From trying to stand to a make out session together, either one really worked for the males, because there was no downsides to them. Except that making out would consist of accidentally kneeing Levi in the groin as he was trying to move around so he wouldn't be stopping the blood flow. Anyway, it sent tingles through Levi since he was already partially aroused, and if he wasn't, then he'd probably and most likely be screaming out in pain right now. It just happened to be the worst timing for this to happen, but Levi held in the moan that he felt as Eren continued to jab his dick with his knee unknowingly. What was even funnier was that when Eren looked back to Levi's contorted face he asked why he suddenly looked so constipated.

Levi considered punching the brat in the jaw for being so oblivious and making him feel so good, but scratched the idea when Eren kissed him again, only to pull away soon after. But he couldn't stand up and walk away, so Levi was able to drag him back so they were connected once more. That didn't last long, though, since they quickly heard a piercing scream from behind them near the now opened door.

"Fucking! What the hell are you doing to Eren, you midget?!" Almost immediately, both males knew who was already complaining her ass off, but Levi stopped eating Eren's face and helped him up to his bed.

"What did it look like, bitch." Funny how often these nicknames the two Ackermans formed for one another, such as short ass, midget, you shit, bitch, fucker.

"You were sexually harassing my Eren!"

Said male cut in before the two began to get bloody, "Mikasa, he wasn't harassing me."

"Then what exactly was he doing?" Mikasa held her weight on one hip, while crossing her arms as she looked between Levi and then Eren, back to Levi seconds later.

"Exactly what it looked like." Levi stated, as Eren slumped down into his bed, trying to avoid the scolding he'd soon be getting from his sister.

"Why did you chose my brother, you short ass?!"

"I didn't _chose_ him, I just happened to fall for him." Words like these created a heat to rise in Eren's stomach. He silenced it, but also felt funny as he tried to hold back the blush that wanted to appear.

"Since when?"

"Since he confessed to me!"

" _He_ confessed?"

Eren started pitching in his own screaming, while clenching his fists as he tried to hold back his anger around his only sister, "That's right! _I_ confessed, Mikasa. So you don't need to worry about him pushing himself on me!"

"Why this idiot? Huh, Eren?"

"Because..." Why had he confessed? "Because he understands me! Mikasa, he's the only one who treats me as if I was a real person! He's a great guy!"

"You fell for him only because he was kind to you? Maybe he was just pitying you and now look at you! You're wrapped around his finger!"

"Maybe I'm just being played, maybe he really doesn't love me. But I don't care! I'm in love with him because he's my sunshine! Okay!? He's the one who finally makes me smile, he makes me nervous all the time, and he's not as mean as he might seem to you!"

"But you could have someone so much better! Eren, you're wasting your time with Levi."

"Shut up!" Levi interjected, folding his arms around Eren's waist, rubbing slowly. "I'm in love with him, too! I would never play him like a puppet, and he's my summer when there's no light in my heart!"

Eren's heart started pounding in his chest, as he looked back to Levi. "You really think of me like that?"

"Of course I do. I'm not at the point where I could love you yet, but-"

"See!? He's not even in love with you, Eren."

"But I like you, a _lot_."

"Good enough for me." Eren leaned in, their lips brushing. All the while Mikasa just stood there horrified at what she was currently having to see, but tried to hold back another wave of anger for Eren's sake. He looked happy enough with him, so she'd try to stay out of his life. "Mikasa, I'd like to ask you to let me be with him." Eren pleaded, his fingers interlocked with Levi's.

"...I can't say I'll ever approve of... this, but I don't care as long as you're happy now. Don't let me get in your way, Eren."

"Thanks." Eren was too caught up in his happiness and victory that he was hosting in his mind to notice how rejected Mikasa seemed. But Levi did notice, although he didn't mention anything to the brunet except glance at Mikasa, sending her a glance that said, 'Please don't be mad at him.'

Mikasa understood that it was all Levi's fault, and that she couldn't blame her own brother for his own feelings. So, she waited a bit to beat up the shortest, and didn't retaliate when Levi pecked Eren's lips once more before getting up to retrieve his tea. This would be a long night until Mikasa decided to leave the two alone- which would really never be happening again. Ever.

"So, shorty, let's make a deal."

"What type of deal?" Mikasa's lips turned upward in a smirk, but was quickly erased when Levi glanced up at her.

"Say," she wandered over to Levi's bed, plopping herself down onto it. "If you and Eren were to date, or whatever the hell is going on- I don't really care to know, I'll be allowed to sleep or sit inside as often as I'd like." Now, a full out smug grin laced her lips, as Levi contemplated whether it would be worth giving up his sanity. But the pleading look on Eren's face did him over, so he agreed.

"Fine. I'll just bunk with Eren."

"Like hell you will." Mikasa growled.

"Watch me."

***

Levi went to bed, thinking that everything would be okay and that the sun would rise the following morning without fail. Of course, it did- eventually.

Around two in the morning, the two were wide awake, shoved together in the bathroom. Eren was hunched over, with the help of Levi's hand supporting his back and waist. He tried to hold back the blood erupting from his mouth with each spew, but of course it didn't work well. Both his hands were wrapped over his mouth in a futile attempt to not spray blood and stomach acid all over the bathroom, but that eventually couldn't be helped. Honestly, Levi couldn't care less at this point in time whether Eren made a mess over the bathroom walls, as long as he was okay.

He wasn't. The coughing and vomiting of an empty stomach now continued to persist throughout the night, and it didn't cease for hours.

Levi took the chance when the constant coughing and rejecting of blood slowed slightly to rush out and call the hospital. All he could hear was the muffled sounds of Eren ejecting whatever left he had in his stomach, and then moving on to the acid building up with bright red blood puddles. It was horrifying, especially for Eren who was hunched over the white porcelain bowl, his hands and arms covered in his own blood.

"Yes, yes. Okay, thank you." Levi slammed the phone on the wall, rushing over to his roommate. Just earlier, things had been perfectly fine, and Eren was happy. So was Levi, honestly. He had to admit that the brat would turn around a situation faster than anyone he ever thought could, and that now he knew for a fact that Eren was indeed in love with him.

He, not even thinking of her, didn't have the time to call Mikasa. Even at this time of night, she would come rushing over here as quickly as possible, only to drag Eren away from Levi once more to bring him into the white hospital room. Nobody knew why this had happened, and neither did Eren.

From feinting and staying in a coma for a week, to now this, none of this could be explained unless Eren's father had something to do with it- which he probably did, seeing as he had once tested and ran experiments on the young boy before, and then this. If Eren knew the number that his father now answered to, he'd gladly hand it over to anyone that could get him down from Germany to explain what was happening. Or maybe that's what his father had wanted, for him to die like this.

But Levi wouldn't let him die, of course.

Minutes after, a loud banging was heard from the front door. Levi assumed it was the paramedics, and he could also see the faint flashing from the ambulance outside the window near the butterfly that Levi had painted so long ago. He ran to open the door, greeted by a woman in her late thirties who also brought in a stretcher soon behind her, while Levi guided them to the bathroom. Only the hacking coughs were heard through the door, but the woman still attempted to talk through the closed door.

"We're going to take you to the hospital, Eren. I just need you to come out." There was no response, only more of the deathly sounds.

"Please," Levi started, talking quietly and putting his mouth up against the crack in the door, "I'll come get you, and I'll be there with you. Okay?"

"Who are you? His roommate?" The woman asked Levi, and he nodded.

"And his lover."

There was a slight look of confusion, disappointment, and then disgust, but the woman simply nodded and opened the door. The sight in there was sickening to even look at, let alone the stench carried in there, but due to the circumstances, nobody really cared at this moment. Levi rushed inside, hauling Eren over his shoulder with another arm wrapped around his thigh, hoisting him up on his back once he had slowed to a minimum of vomiting. Warm, deep, and erratic breaths were felt on Levi's back, but it couldn't bother him right now that his mouth was most likely dripping with blood.

"You're going to be okay, Eren." To be honest, Eren wasn't really fully conscious right now, all he could hear was the muffled sounds that reminded him of Levi, and then a couple other orders that he could not understand from strangers.

He felt himself being placed gently on a bed, or what he thought was a bed, and his mind shut off. _Good_ , _I get to sleep_.

Bright lights flashed in the dead of night, and everyone at the campus was gathered around the white truck, but shoved back by the police who had arrived because of the safety of Eren Jaeger. Students whispered to each other, worried faces plastered across their faces, although some were just looking at the scene without saying anything because they had always hated Eren. Levi climbed in after the stretcher into the back of the ambulance, sitting down on the white chair next to the bed.

Worry stretched across his face, while he stroked the boy's face, pushing the sweaty hairs away from his forehead. It had all been so sudden, because Levi had heard the beginning of Eren's cough before it could turn into anything worse, and got him to the bathroom.

It was lightened inside the back, from white lights on the ceiling that illuminated how dead Eren really looked. It just pained Levi even more to look at the boy's almost lifeless face, which was white like everything else there.

Suddenly, the boy's eyes flashed open, the blue swirling around for a split second while he tried to regain his surroundings in the dark. "Mom? Mom?! Mom, help me!"

"Shh... Eren, you're okay, nothing's going to hurt you." Levi cooed, still stroking his forehead with one hand and the other how holding onto the brunet's, which was gripping tightly onto Levi's.

"M-mom.. Levi?" Tears started to stream out of his bright, swirling eyes like the ocean, and all Levi could really do to calm him down was to press his lips up to his nose, then his creased forehead which quickly relaxed at the action. "I can't see, Levi."

"I'm right here, don't worry. It's going to be okay. I'm right here." Levi couldn't help but cry. What if this permanently affected Eren? What if he'd never be the same, and Levi would lose him? What would happen after they got to the hospital?

The ride wasn't bumpy, but it seemed to take forever, turn after turn. Or maybe it was just because of how worried Levi felt, feeling the sweat pouring from Eren's skin and how hot he really was. If Levi could have, he would've pressed his lips on Eren's, but he didn't want to get his mouth all sickened with whatever had caused this for Eren. Although he really did care for Eren, he also didn't want himself to become as sick as this and then not be able to help him later.

"Everything's going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for so much dialogue, I was going through a writers block during the middle of this and referred to my good old friend dialogue. Not a good habit to get into, but I think it worked well enough.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter since I wrote the last one together and my stamina was breaking. Have fun with it.

҉After⑧shock҉

He woke up to bright lights, two round faces peering at him, and another who's crease lines cemented farther into her forehead than they ever should be. Two of them had been Connie and Sasha, who were literally falling on top of Eren in the hospital. The room was brightened by the streaming sunlight that illuminated reds and yellows due to the sunset.

"Hiya!" Sasha started, leaning back after she saw Eren's eyes open fully. He groaned, and replied by asked what happened.

"Well," Connie.

"All we saw was the ambulance take you away last night," Sasha.

"Everyone at the campus saw how Levi dragged you over his back and he stayed with you until you got to the hospital." Connie again.

Eren spoke, not seeing Levi anywhere near the hospital room, nor did he hold any recollection of Levi bringing him to the hospital, "How do you all know about this?"

"Everyone was waiting outside for Levi to return. He did, and then your sister came charging in with assaults and warnings about going near you." Connie said, then looked over to the chair in the far corner, where the girl herself sat, pouting as she wasn't allowed into the conversation.

But she did add a couple words. "Levi took off yesterday for Germany."

"W-what?" Eren stayed, dumbfounded that Levi would do something without waiting for his consciousness to regain itself. "How long was I here?"

"Only three days. Said he was going because he didn't want to wait around anymore."

"He wouldn't say something like that, Mikasa." Eren frowned. Both Connie and Sasha started to back out of the room quietly, hoping they weren't causing any more trouble for the two who were already all out fighting.

"Well, Eren, he left without you, and that's all I know." Now Eren was mad.

"That's not him! He wouldn't leave me here, Mikasa! He must've had his own reasons, right?"

"Look, Eren. If he left without waiting for you to wake up, then he obviously doesn't love you. You need to get over him."

"You're lying!" Eren's voice cracked, nearly pouring with desperation and in the unfathomable truth that he knew was just made up of twisted lies. "He would never just leave without any reason! Mikasa, he's got a reason to go up to Germany, I know! He even asked me a while ago what I would do if he _did_ leave, and look! He did, so I can't be mad at him for not warning me, Mikasa!"

"I don't want you to get the wrong idea in your head, Eren. I don't want to see you getting hurt-"

"He wouldn't hurt me. I know."

"How _would_ you know?" She raised one of her eyebrows, crossing her arms as she spat at her brother. She knew already that it was wrong to tell Eren that the one he loved didn't like him enough to wait, and she was really the only one who knew why Levi had taken off. He did actually go up to Germany, that part wasn't a lie.

"Because I just do, Mikasa. He's too nice to leave me behind."

"Fine. Whatever you want to put in that mind of yours, go ahead. I won't stop you from filling nonsense and filth into your head about his love and trust." Levi had indeed stayed at the hospital for as long as he could, but Mikasa offered to pay for a ticket to leave, and then to find Eren's father and question him. Seeing Eren throwing up and sick made Levi all the more want to find out what was happening, so he gladly accepted. "I'm leaving. Have a good night, Eren. I left my phone here, so I'll call you from home."

"Fine." With that, another person that Eren held dear to him took off without turning back, only to shut the door and close anymore connection he had to her. But anger filled his veins too much for him to care right now to be able to see that Mikasa was obviously pissed at Eren for following his own _fucking_ heart.

Mikasa just felt that it was easier to protect Eren instead of seeing him get dragged down by somebody like Levi who had too many shadows following him around everywhere and somebody who would eventually break the boy's heart. So that's why she tried to hold the two back from each other, simply hoping that Eren would be okay for another couple months or a year without the midget that would be his end.

***

It was already nearing morning, and Levi was still waiting impatiently for the receptionist to call out Eren's name and for him to be okay. His whole body was racking with a nervous sweat since he was the only one here besides one other women who was crying pathetically in the corner seat for her child to be alive.

It made him realize that Eren wouldn't be his forever, and that to fight for the brat would be a whole lot more dangerous than predicted. He still hadn't called Mikasa, only fearing her reaction when she saw Eren back in the hospital only days after his last visit prior.

Sitting in the dimmed room, with the musty smell of cleaning products and lemon scented spray, the lights barely over a couple watts, and the steady typing of the keys up near the front desk, Levi could only hope that Eren would come out okay and that the doctors could tell him what was wrong. Of course, the doctors were just as confused as he, and when his name was called into the first operating room, Levi's knees were shaking with every step.

Two days he spent in the room that they had assigned Eren, waiting for the minute that he'd open his eyes and be okay. Then Levi could take him back home and everything would go back to normal. Dark bags formed under his eyes with every hour he refused to sleep- just incase it would be the hour Eren decided to wake up. But it never was. He continued to remain silent, the only thing telling Levi he was still alive was the heart monitor, beeping every now and then for the nurses to come in and replace the supplement bag.

Levi leaned over the white sheets, cradling the boy's face while studying every beautiful imperfections created on the lips, eyes, forehead, ears, everything. Sometimes he'd lower himself so he could touch the boy's lips with his own, but they never kissed back. And why would they, Eren was half dead for all anyone knew. But, being Levi, he waited because he knew that someday, Eren would wake up and scold him for waiting so long.

"What are you, sleeping beauty?" Another soft peck on the cheek, but it didn't last long until Levi tried to hold back the sobbing in the peak of the night. Nurses there became acquainted with Levi, and they didn't try to stop him from staying overnight and throughout the day since his glare literally got him in the room to begin with. "Just wake up, dammit. Let me see your beautiful eyes."

But soon, Mikasa heard the news, and swiftly came barging in on Levi when he was sleeping with his head resting on his arms that were propped up on the side of Eren's bed. He was kicked out, not by the hospital, by Mikasa who was furious for him not calling. She had to find out through the local newspaper- yes, the incident was everywhere.

So that's why Levi was gone, not because he wanted to. Only because he wanted to help Eren. But of course, that's not what Mikasa would paint him out to be, only the filthy scum that left Eren and didn't even say goodbye. Sure, he said goodbye, a little one. Since Mikasa was so insistent on pushing him out of the room, all he managed to fit in was a wish to wake up all better, and another kiss. It was all Levi could really think to give him, seeing that he didn't even know whether Eren would come back to him or not.

And with Mikasa continuing to put all the pressure on Levi and then telling him off to Eren once he finally woke, without Levi's glimmering eyes tearing up and then being engulfed by a hug from the raven, of course Eren wouldn't think or remember what Levi had done. But Mikasa had to feel at least a bit guilty for tearing them apart so quickly, and she thought that if she had let Levi see Eren wake that the two wouldn't be separated for another year- at least.

Let's take you to Germany, where Levi was just flying overhead on the plane. He had left the previous night, hoping that since Mikasa would be there to see Eren finally wake up that he'd be alright. He also was hoping that if and when he did regain consciousness, Mikasa would at least call him or let Eren talk to him over the phone. But since Mikasa was currently in such a rage over how much Eren was defending Levi, she didn't bother to inform him that he was healthy and fine, ready to got back to school in a couple more days to recuperate.

Looking out the window near the back of the plane, Levi rested his chin on the palm of his hand as he admired how gorgeous it was from miles up in the air. _Eren would've loved the view from up here, flying up so high above the clouds and houses_. But when he'd turn to look at the seat next to him, there was nobody there. Only the shadow of the boy he left behind millions of miles south.

Nothing in particular filled his mind, so it was pretty empty when the food tray rolled around once more. He, once again, didn't order anything. Instead, he chose to lean his head on the arm once supporting his chin, now leaning out and looking at the passing clouds. Sometimes, he'd get a peek of what lay underneath the white puffs, and it was breathtaking. Despite his earlier gloominess, he took out his camera and tried to take a couple pictures when the houses of small towns below would peak out. Later, he'd have to give them to Eren.

But there was something missing. Levi turned the camera around and smiled as the flash went off. It wasn't something anyone would find, I mean never _find_ , to see Levi smiling to his own accord, _and_ photographing it forever. He just hoped now that Hanji wouldn't be ripping through his bag later on, or his room for that matter.

The rest of the flight went on like this, for another half hour or so, until the flight attendant called everyone to refasten their seat belts because they were landing. Levi didn't even know where he was going after this, where he'd look, how he'd manage to find Eren's father, and how he'd get any information from him. Well, there is the obvious, kicking him in the gut until he confessed every secret he'd been hiding from Eren his whole life. And Levi went in this knowing that he may not even come back to the college campus alive, or at all. He knew that he was willing to be dead for what everyone knew forever, as long as he could help out Eren's future. And he knew that Eren would be furious at him, and that Mikasa would blame him when he got back, but he wouldn't care if it meant holding the boy within his arms once more.

Grabbing his luggage from the compartments above the seats, he filed out with the other twenty people. Good thing about going to Germany in the middle of the school year, hardly anyone on the planes. Levi was even fortunate enough to snag a private row of seating for himself.

Once he entered into the main terminal, he pulled out his phone, searching for Mikasa's number.

It rang once, then he was hung up on. He sighed, trying once again, and this time she picked up.

"Hello?" The raven started, not hearing anything from the other line back at home.

"What the hell do you want." Mikasa rasped, her talking speeding faster than Levi could get off the stuffy plane.

"Is Eren okay?"

"...Yeah. He woke up this morning, what else do you need?"

"Can I talk to him?"

"No. He's busy."

"With what?" Levi put on an incredulous tone, also spatting into the microphone.

"You _know_ , staying alive. Breathing, eating, sleeping."

"Then I can talk to him?"

"No."

"Why not?" Levi could hear a small voice in the background, saying something like, 'who is it?' He knew immediately that it was Eren's voice. "Let me talk to him."

"Ah, Eren. It's Levi- _Can I talk to him_?" Levi almost laughed at how desperate Eren sounded, but held it in because he knew Mikasa could still hear him. "Fine, Levi. You get to talk to Eren."

"Levi?"

"Yeah, brat. It's me." Although he sounded monotone, he was grinning madly at the airport, his luggage still in his hand while he listened to the laugh from Eren on the other line.

"So, Mikasa said that you left without saying goodbye. Is that what really happened?"

"No. I guess I did leave without seeing you wake up, and I'm sorry for that, but she's not giving you the whole story."

"Mikasa, what did Levi do here?" Levi practically fell apart laughing because Eren still had the phone pressed to his mouth, instead of pulling it farther away to talk to his sister. "...stayed here... night, not even getting any sleep." That's all he needed to hear, since now Mikasa had fessed up the truth that he didn't really want to tell Eren himself only because that would make him a douche to the ultimate max.

"You really sat here for two days straight?" Levi hummed in reply, still listening in on what Mikasa continued to blab on about. "He even called you sleeping beauty! HA! Eren, Levi's just too pathetic!"

"I can fucking hear you, Mikasa."

"He said he could hear you."

"Tell him I said he's a midget with a temper."

"Tell her that she's just annoying as I am and that she's got a bigger temper."

"He said that your such a dickface." That was Eren's translation, all right. Assuming he realized he had been lied to about the truth with Levi, he had a reason to make the insult even worse. And Levi couldn't blame him since he was also enjoying it.

"I'm with Eren more than he is! Pfft!"

"Tell her that I've kissed and been able to devourer Eren's mouth."

"Levi told me to tell you that we've had sex." The boy said, without adding any expression to his tone, and Holy, Eren wasn't holding back. This was the first time Levi had possibly laughed this much in public, let alone with hundreds of people looking at him like he had a loose spring and was leaking gas. They hadn't actually had sex, only kissing and hugs.

"W-what? You two h-have had...?"

"Sure as hell." Levi replied, and Eren told her the same, only this time not adding the part about Levi saying it. Both men probably were glad to say it, and Eren most likely wanted to make Mikasa mad at the raven because then it would only be even more hilarious to see how she would react when he came home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy this series, please share it and comment! I appreciate any feedback I can get, and seeing how much attention this has been getting really hypes me up to write more!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. That is all.

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Every night, Eren would wait to see if Mikasa's phone would ring and the caller would just so happen to be Levi. Of course, it never happened, but he could continue to dream all he wanted. The boy didn't even want to keep track of how many days spent wasted, sitting in the hospital and waiting for somebody to come by to lighten up his day, because it only would remind him how long Levi had refrained from calling. And Eren thought that Levi would- at least after his first call, seeing how desperate he sounded, be the type of person to try to keep up a steady relationship up with somebody he thought that Levi loved. Or was _in_ love with.

They were two completely different things. Being in love was exaggerating the idea of liking something. Let's say you are in love with the color orange. It's not an emotional connection, only something you would admire and desire to keep. But love, on the other hand, created a bond and brought commitment and angst with it. It all tied into the big lie that people tell each other of being together forever and then breaking up later that year. Nothing was forever, and Eren soon realized that he had just been lost in love with the idea that he had finally found somebody to love him. Yet it slipped away.

Although he never thought Levi would call again, or make any attempt to stay in contact with the brunet, he still marked out the days that Levi was missing on his calendar, only a month so far. But a month without anything else to do but ponder over the ideas and curiosities of life made that month seem to last forever. The hospital had said that Eren would be discharged after a couple more tests and then one more day to recover and make sure he was tip top notch to return to living a normal life. 'Normal', they said.

Mikasa was visiting on an occasion, since she was still slightly mad at Eren and Levi for telling her the extent of their teasing and nights alone while rain poured down on them. Sure, none of that was true, but they could still toy with Mikasa while they had the chance, since she _had_ lied to Eren.

"Mr. Jaeger," a nurse rapped on the door connecting his room to the hallway outside, and he hummed to tell her that it was okay to enter, "I brought you your lunch. Try to eat as much as you can."

We can just simplify it to saying that Eren had refused to eat since the night after the first phone call with Levi, and then he eventually, very gradually, decided to start gulping down bigger portions. Although _bigger_ really meant more than none, the doctor was happy enough to see the boy eating somewhat back on track.

Mikasa had just gotten her first job, in order to keep affording for Eren and herself included, while trying to balance her associates degree. The first couple of job interviews didn't go so well, not well at all, but she kept on trying to find a job that would let her pick her own hours and still make enough wage that she could buy food and shop for new clothes and buy things for Eren.

"Hey, can you open the window?" Eren asked the nurse who was placing down the white tray. She nodded, walking over to the small window to open it to the musty, humid air that had been lingering since the storm the previous night. The rain water from the gutters still dripped down often, and the soft plink of each one hitting the window made Eren want to go outside and feel it drop down on himself instead of glass. Maybe it would feel refreshing, and maybe he'd even try to catch one in his mouth, but that couldn't happen if he wasn't even allowed outside of this stuffy room. Too much cleanliness and white can affect one's mind and sanity.

"Here you go, just call in the office if you need anything else."

"Thank you." That might have been the last nice and polite comment he could muster up, but since the nurses already knew his situation and how long he had been cooped up in the bed when he should have been released the day after he arrived, so they could handle a few snarky replies. At least one.

Once the nurse had left, he sighed and turned to look out the window. All he saw was white mist hovering over the red rose bush that lingered somewhere near the layer of cloud. "I wonder if this is it, then. I wonder if we're really over." Levi had never really claimed that he and Eren were actually dating, but being kissed to make out sessions on the floor, well, that sort of told you itself. But whenever Eren would go to bed, he'd wait another hour to see if Levi would call, and then would wake up early to the sound of silence. No more of his small, melodious laughter filling his ears, no sparkling of his eyes to see, and no more ways to remember him except for all the promises he had made with Eren together, the smell of home, and the way Levi would always drink his tea.

Mint tea. Something that Eren missed tasting, but couldn't bring himself to try it without being able to lick it off of his lover's lips instead. No amount of brewing and tasting could compare to a cheap box of poor quality tea bags that filled the air of the aroma of home. Home was something he'd also try to forget, but also didn't want to replace. Home was something that only consisted of Levi's sarcastic responses, and the way he'd scowl. Home was filled with the past, and Eren knew that he could never try to make another home without knowing Levi and he were officially done, and then being able to hear the raven tell him to move on.

Only lingering whispers in the night could remind him of the way Levi would lean on his shoulder or tuck himself on Eren's chest at night after he finally caved into the idea of sleeping in Eren's bed with him. And Eren knew that they had gotten so far in that short amount of time they had bunked together, and that Levi wouldn't really just leave him so suddenly like that.

_Maybe he had a reason. Yeah, of course he had a reason_.

There was a small TV located in the corner of his room, and he'd turn it on to light up the night while he tried to push back the constant urge to cry every time he'd close his eyes, whether it was in the day or at night when the familiar warmth was gone from his chest, and then came morning without another body pressed firmly up against his chin and hugging his waist.

But, as long as he could wrap his head around the idea of forgetting, Eren knew that he would eventually, and then everything would go back to normal and he'd forget about the small raven completely. Levi was like a real raven now, with wings to carry him away from everyone and able to slip away quietly but still held his rude attitude and his jet black hair.

Taking another spoonful of the mush that the hospital considered food, he held back another gag and continued to peer out at the sky outside. The cool draft already was streaming in, and hitting the warm blankets that Eren could not simply push away. He couldn't even put himself to bed at night, so he'd wait for one of the nurses to peep in and shut off the lights and prop him back down to ground level. But that wasn't the only reason he missed his room in the college dorms. He had a family already there, Connie, Sasha, Jean, and everyone else. They were waiting patiently for his return and then would greet him as if nothing at all had happened, just like Eren would want it. If he ever did come back, that is.

A small buzzing came from the table next to Eren, and his eyes immediately snapped to the lit up screen that labeled the caller as blocked. But it could easily be Levi, so Eren hesitantly picked up the small device, answering the call.

"Hello?"

"Eren, thank god it's you." Said boy's eyes snapped open wide, and his heart stopped beating for a millisecond.

"Levi? Levi?! I missed you so much!"

"Hm," Levi chuckled, but in Germany his face was the opposite of happy or relieved like the brat's was right now after he had recovered from the initial shock of hearing Levi again. "Eren, I talked to your dad's friends, and they know where he might be. I was just calling to tell you that I might not be coming back home for a while." He, on the other side of the earth, held back muffled chokes as the men behind him wrapped his arms up in the tight, rough rope, glaring at the raven before he hung up.

"Oh- Levi?" Eren was interrupted by a beep from the other line, noting how he had just been hung up on. It wasn't really an ended call by the actions of Levi, the phone had been smashed into the cement ground and then crushed by the burly men's footsteps as they hauled Levi behind them.

How it had come to this, Levi would never know, but it could be a way to get to Eren's father, and then he would finally be able to come back home. Eren frowned, placing the phone down again. It had been so long that he had been in the hospital, probably too long, but the doctors kept insisting that they could run tests to see if they could find a way to know what was wrong with Eren. Of course, since it was Eren's dad that had done this to him, even the smartest scientists would never be able to decompose the structuring of his disease- if you would call it a disease, that is.

His father had made sure that the cells inside his skin slowly decomposed over time, and when Levi would inform him of his condition, instead of acting worried, he'd grin and laugh maniacally because his experiment had succeeded. And when that time came for Eren that his body would refuse to move, then everyone would easily forget about him since he was never once memorable. Not even loved by the one man who had been able to show him that he cared, but then quickly took off without another glance behind him.

"So this is really it, huh? I thought we'd be more than this." More nights passed by, and Eren still continued to stay trapped inside the hospital's walls until any further notice. But that notice never came, and Eren would be spending a lot more time inside rather than out at school where he should be. Even Connie and Sasha's visits began to trickle out, and eventually nobody came to visit except his sister who always told him to eat and that he'd be getting out soon. Lies. Blatant lies straight to the face about his hope to leave, Levi actually coming back home, and Levi coming back the same person he was when he left.

Maybe Levi had always been hidden, with every known darkness lurking behind him and it was just now that Eren finally saw them. Or maybe he had his own reasons. _He had his own reasons. He must have_.

But everyone already knew that love wasn't permanent, only something to fill one's days passing through, until the only one that would finally settle down with you would come along. But there was no one like that for Eren, so when he'd look at the calander next to his bed with crosses all over, he already knew that there was no return for him. He was too far in to let the raven simply vanish past his fingertips that had been so close. Eren thought- no, he knew for a fact that they had made it so close to being forever, if that even still exists.

But Mikasa would also often tell him to get over Levi, so he pushed the thoughts of the male away, at least as best as he could. At night, the brunet could only let his mind wonder to the places and things Levi could be doing. He said that he was leaving for Eren's sake, so then why was he obviously ignoring him? If he still was in love with the boy, then why wasn't he calling, and why wasn't he trying to keep contact? That's because he was told not to.

The phone buzzed again, and through the lock screen were a couple words from a text directing a couple of numbers and addresses. But Eren chose to ignore them, and he closed his eyes although it was only midday. Right now, up to this point, it didn't really matter if it was early in the morning or late at night when Eren decided to get some sleep, either way people were happy he was getting rested.

It buzzed again, and then the light from the screen finally faded away with the only chance to get the mysterious person's whereabouts, the only chance for hope had faded along with the light of the electronic screen.

Happy thoughts rested in Eren's mind. Pictures of his mother would flash across the screen that projected dreams into his head, then Mikasa smiling, Armin and him both standing on the docks near the ocean ports back home, and then Levi laughing. The sun only shone for those who weren't painfully saddening for Eren, and the picture of Levi was filtered in only a monochrome. It was strange, actually. It was strange to see Levi without a tint of color to his eyes that were a silver shaded blue, and his lips were paler than what Eren remembered. But the picture still amazed him at the simplicity of his roommate, and how beautiful even without color the male could be. Even without memories of him, the sight was still breathtaking.

Then more flashes to his mother's smile, the linen all lined up on the hangers outside while wind picked them up and billowed air through them. Some of his hometown, the sights he'd see from the small chances he'd get to look out the window.

Then they all faded away, and blackness replaced the smiles and shining memories. All black. Nothing else.

***

It was dark inside the car, but Mikasa had managed to sneak Eren home while the receptionist was out in the bathroom. At least they hadn't set off any type of alarm, and if they had, well screw it. She had opened the doors with such swiftness, folding up the wheelchair as she set Eren down in the back.

Ignoring all rules, Mikasa sped along the freeway, making sure to check back on Eren once in a while to make sure he was okay. But he was actually holding up much better than he had been acting in the hospital. Maybe it had been its stuffy air and humid, dim setting. Fresh air, as every mother would tell their children, is good for your mind. To clear it up and wake you up a bit. It was true, Eren perked up when he left the white doors, or maybe it was just because he finally was leaving the hospital.

Either way, he was smiling in the backseat, his hands folded over and Mikasa's scarf wrapped around his neck so he wouldn't feel chilled. He was actually hot, but it really couldn't bother him right now. If he was finally getting to go back home, after a month of waiting, then it wouldn't matter if he was freezing from head to toe right now or if he was set on fire in an incinerator.

Looking outside, you could still see and hear the splatter of rain hitting the glass, but it was eventually becoming tiring. Since a week ago, the rain had never let up, pouring down constantly on the earth below. Eren wondered if it was raining up in Germany, and if Levi was now looking out the window wherever he now lingered and thinking of home. Or maybe even of Eren himself. Probably not.

Wherever Levi was right now, Eren knew that he was better off without him, and that going to Germany was only another excuse to leave him- a good one, he had to admit. And neither Eren or Mikasa knew whether Levi would decide to come back home or not, and if he even would at all.

But enough nonsense. Right now, the smell of mist and must blended together, filling up the stuffy car while Mikasa sped down the drenched roads to get back home to the campus. _It wasn't permanent. It wasn't really my home_. Eren also knew that becoming attatched to the people surrounding him- or the people who at least had once been around him, making sure he wouldn't fall, would end up in his own failure and disaster when he would finally fall. There was no more replacements for those who left, only empty holes in his life that would never be revived.

"Eren. Snap out of it. You've been quiet the whole ride so far."

"Sorry. Just thinking."

"Hm? About what?"

"I really don't even know anymore. Maybe about how scared I am to go back to the dorms. Or how I'll feel when I come into an empty room not occupied by a certain person who's leaning against the counter sipping mint tea."

"Stop thinking about him so much. It can't be healthy."

"I can't help it, Mikasa. He overflows my mind constantly. And I can't rid myself of him anymore; I'm already too far in to forget."

"You're going to be okay. Just trust me. I know he won't be there, and that you'll miss him- I do understand, but I need you to move on, fill your days with anything other than the negative and gloomy thoughts about Levi." The way his name simply rolled off her tongue only continued to irritate Eren.

"How can you say his name so lightly?"

"Why? Because I never knew him personally to think of him as a great man."

"You're saying I'm obsessive?"

"Yes. But I also never said that being obsessive was anything bad. To think that you were able to see him as your light and to be able to put all of your trust into him was great. It was what made you two great, okay? So don't ever think that falling in love with him was _ever_ a mistake. He's probably putting his life on the line right now, just so you can finally be happy. I know that it was certainly not a mistake to fall in love with him."

"Why are you suddenly so compliant with my desperation to see and touch him, hear him, and know him again? Why do you care if I'm missing the man whom you've always hated and tried to separate from me constantly?"

"Because," Mikasa reached up to scratch her neck, looking at Eren through the rearview mirror, "I'm your sister. It's my right and job to protect you when I think you might be falling into a trap, and it is my job to encourage you when you need it the most. It's only my right that I get to tell you that what you do is nothing wrong, and that I wouldn't care if you became a psychotic serial killer, or if you wanted to kill yourself; I would still love you and tell you that you can't make a mistake big enough that nobody would be able to forgive you."

"It's not me I'm worried about anyone forgiving." Eren mumbled, hiding in his scarf even deeper than before.

"Then try to forgive everyone else. And I am specifically talking about _him_ , because until you can do so, I know that you'll never get over him. Forgive him for leaving without any notice, forgive him for not calling, forgive him for neglecting you, because I _know_ it will turn out all right."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I really can't. I don't know if what I'm saying is helping, or if it's right or wrong, but I do know that with a little time, he'll come back to you. I know that with a little time you'll forgive him and I'll be able to see your smile again. And if I can't see it, at least let Levi see it."

"I'll try, at least. I'm not even sure of myself to smile anymore. I can't even do anything right."

"Don't say that. You've done so much right, Eren. So much more than anyone could ever thank you for, or even list for that matter."

"Then why did Levi still leave?"

"...Because he only cares."

"Then why would somebody who cares leave me all alone?!"

"He's trying to find out why you are the way you are, and possibly find a way to prevent another sickness like before from happening."

"Why didn't he at least bring me along, then?"

"You belong here. And he knows that. That's why he didn't want to be more of a burden to you and everyone who cares about you. I know that he waited as long as he could until he left, just incase you would finally open you're eyes."

Eren stayed quiet, waiting for Mikasa to finish, which he knew would never really happen. But he was listening intently to what his sister was telling him.

"It was honestly really cute the way he'd lose sleep over you, staying up to one in the morning to just wait and see if you'd open your beautiful, blue eyes."

"You said he was the one who took me to the hospital, the one who called, the one who stayed by my side, and the one who really cared. So, then why did he really leave?"

"You're still going on about that?" She let out another exasperated sigh. "It's because he's really in love with you. I can respect him for that now, only because of what I've seen him go through while you were still in your coma. I want you to be happy, and if that comes with Levi, I'm going to allow that as long as he doesn't try to hurt you physically or mentally on purpose."

"Finally giving up the side of you that doesn't want to allow me to be with the one I'm desperately in love with? I'm sorry, Mikasa, but it's already too late now. He's gone, and he'll never come back."

"Stop saying that. He _will_ come back to you, whether coming with good or bad news, I know he'll return to your side whether you like it or not."

Eren laughed. Not mockingly, this wasn't filled with happiness, or just to retort at what Mikasa had said, but he laughed because after many convincing speeches, the raven finally won some hope into him. And Eren laughed, because he hadn't done so in so very long, and to let it out was probably one of the best things ever for him right now, to say the least. "Okay, I guess I can wait for him."

"That's the spirit."

"Thanks, I guess."

"No problem." Mikasa let out a smile, one that Eren couldn't see. Although no one would ever see this, she was actually proud of Levi. She was one of the only ones who knew what he was going through right now, unlike Eren. But they had agreed that telling Eren would only make him that much more depressed, so they kept it hidden. And by 'they', I mean Levi and Mikasa. Yes, they were communicating. And Mikasa had also told him that it would be best if Levi stopped trying to risk his life to call her brother, just because she wanted to see him come back home in one piece for Eren's sake.

_I can do this. I can wait. As long as he comes back, as long as I'll eventually have him, I know I can wait an eternity_.


	11. Chapter 11

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Skipping motions of rocks hitting the waters, mumbles of words that weren't predicable or comprehensible, although Eren knew who was talking, the soft clinking of silverware against the table in the kitchen of the room they had shared, and a face without a name, holding a smile so genuine that Eren thought twice about even knowing who's face it was that belonged to the monotone voice and blurred lines. Everything lined itself up, devoid of any color as different pictures of the same person flashed against the darkness of Eren's eyelids.

Ever since he had come back home to the campus, things had gone back to normal, all but the man in the other bed. The whole other side of the room was now empty, not being occupied anymore. It hurt just to look over and try to imagine anyone other than Levi sitting down on that bed, taking his clothes off as he went to bed, talking to Eren before he closed his eyes. It had been a movie script. Watching it all happen without being able to interfere when Levi would glance up at Eren, his smile apparent on his lips, and the glimmer in his eyes as he explained his ideas and thoughts to the boy. And Eren would listen, trying to remember when he _had_ heard this exact conversation, but he could never actually put the two together.

His cold eyes flashed up at the boy, then he would approach, kissing his lips softly as he then returned to his spot in Eren's chest. The male who really did disappear.

On occasion, Eren would still listen and wait for the ringer to show up with Levi's number, but never once did it happen again. Desperation, lost hope, shattered dreams all filled Eren's mind at night when he wanted to slit his own throat open for being so careless that he had let the only thing keeping him stable slip through his fingers. All night, day, and anytime he'd even so much as glance at the things that reminded him of the other male he had hopelessly fallen in love with made him cry, to let it all out at night when nobody could hear and nobody was there to watch.

The taste of mint soon disappeared, followed by the familiar feeling of another's warmth added to the brunet's in the morning, and then the faint laughter that filled his ears constantly started to fade. Everything was slipping through his fingers, and Eren could do nothing about it.

After five months back home, making a total of eight missed months without Levi, Eren eventually gave up the idea of the raven's ever possible return, and ripped up his calendar to shreds through one of his fits. It had been more of an angry shove across the room, and Eren didn't care whether it landed two inches away from the bed or farther away because knowing he was limited only reminded himself that Levi left him for that exact reasoning.

A knock came from the door. Nobody Eren knew would knock, or even have the decency to, since he was surrounded by pigs who welcomed themselves inside without anymore notice than the jiggling of the doorknob.

"Who is it." His small, withdrawn attempt at responding came.

"...Eren, I need to talk to you."

"Come in, Mikasa."

"I've got a call from Levi. He said that he didn't know when he'd be coming back home, and he told me to tell you that he's fine and wants you to move on and try to make a life without him."

"How does he know I'm already crying over him like he's dead already." Eren deadpanned.

"Mainly because he told me he was doing the exact same thing at night."

"Levi? Crying over some pathetic human being? I doubt that."

"He's sensitive, Eren. When you were in the coma, he was worrying constantly about you, always staying right by your side-"

"We already talked about this."

"I know. And we can talk about this again and again, you still don't get what I'm trying to tell you."

"What would that be?"

Mikasa frowned, sitting down near the end of her brother's bed. "He's in love with you, Eren. He's madly in love with you- mad enough to go to Germany and put his life on the line because he only wants answers for you."

"He might be in love with me. And I might be in love with him, but that doesn't really mean that much, if he's not here trying to support me. If he's just in love with me, then that doesn't mean anything. Love is temporary. Love fades away over time. Love isn't a strong bond that would hold two people together longer than forever."

"You are stubborn, aren't you?" She laughed, but continued when she saw no humor from Eren. "He's in love with you, mad enough to fall in love with you, and insane enough to try to cheer you up from miles away when all you've done is mope around. And I know he's in love with you. Maybe it's nothing more, and maybe it'll die off soon, but if you want to take advantage of the present, then grasp the fact that you feel the same towards him, and call him to tell him that you love him. Okay?"

"I'm not even sure I'm in love anymore."

"If you weren't in love, then you wouldn't have been acting rejected and sad all this time when you were waiting for him to call you. And if you weren't in love, you most likely wouldn't even care if he called or not."

"Jeez, you can see right through me."

"Then call him tonight. I'll leave my phone here, and give you his number."

"Okay."

"Good." She stood up, looking over silently to the other bed, which was made up so neatly that anyone wouldn't have guessed somebody ever slept there, and then the clothes that vanished from the end of the bed, in the dresser, and in the closets. Eren saw her gaze still lingering over the empty half of the room, but he dismissed it like every other thought in his mind still going on about Levi.

"Oh," Mikasa started. "One more thing."

"Yeah?"

"If.. If by any chance he doesn't come back home; forget. Eren, I want you to prepare yourself to be able to forget him, everything about him, and the fact that you were or are still in love with him. He's not one to be in a long connection, and if he doesn't come back, then forget-"

"What are you talking about?" Eren attempted a small, reluctant smile, trying to only convice himself that his sister was wrong and that Levi _would_ be coming back home. Levi would return and everything would turn out right. "Of course he's coming back."

"...Okay. Another thing, not related to the topic; Armin's flying in from England tomorrow."

"Armin? Why the hell would that guy want to come here?"

"He missed the lunch."

" _He_ was the one who was coming from overseas?"

"Yeah. But, Eren, don't freak out when you see him. Just try to keep your cool."

He scoffed. "Mikasa, I haven't seen him for over eight years, and you expect me not to be mad at him for not calling or at least trying to keep in touch with me?"

"At least try to rebuild your relationship."

"I can't promise you anything." Eren's eyes lowered down to his lap, wishing that Mikasa would leave. And she did.

As soon as the raven took her leave, also purposely leaving her phone behind where Eren could easily reach it, said boy immediately grasped for it, seeing the numbers facing the ceiling.

Nerves ran through his fingers, his mind. The only thoughts being that Levi wouldn't want to talk to him, and that Eren would mess up somewhere along the lines and most likely make Levi even more likely to hate him. But the soft drizzling from outside reminded him that Levi would look out the window and see sunshine, or maybe he saw the rain as well. The male would look outside and see what Eren was stuck in for days, and Eren knew that they were still in the same world, still living and capable to reconnecting. There was still a small sliver of hope, right?

Finding his contact, Eren's finger's trembling from the exertion of trying to use his fingers and arms so much lately, his slim finger found the right number, hovering over it. He could press down, and Levi might not call, but he would know that Eren had tried to call, or he could back out now and pretend that none of this had happened and never have to face anymore humiliation.

One beep. Then two. Then three. There was no answer, but Eren had taken the first step. He tried again, the oppressing silence filling the room, only to be interrupted by the occasional ringing from the small phone. Two times, still no answer.

So Eren tried once more, waiting until the familiar voicemail answer started and then hung up. There was no use in leaving another message after five others, since Levi would never listen to them, or try to call back. But still, disappointment was all Eren could feel. He thought that maybe Levi would pick up, and they could talk through the night until the sun widened in the morning, or they could just listen to each others breaths as both fell asleep while still holding the phone near. Maybe Levi would let Eren talk through the darkness, telling him of all the many things going on without him, and then Levi would scold him for being so gloomy. But his voice finally vanished from Eren's memory. And along with that, his presence and laughter, his smile and his smartass ways of cheering the brunet up.

More rain continued to pour down outside, and Eren wanted to run outside to feel the water splash down on his face, his arms and legs, while he then was able to know that he was okay.

Every night spent in the hospital and every morning spent without being surrounded by the normal feel of the campus drove Eren slightly insane, and he thought that coming back home would do some good. But it had been different, no more of the comforting atmosphere, and no more laughter from his friends. They had all parted from him, and now his somewhat brother wanted to come and visit him. Everything was just falling apart. And nothing could be done about it.

"One more time, Levi. Pick up, please."

One ring, then three, then five. It quickly went on to the voicemail, 'Hey, I'm currently caught up in something, call me back." It was Levi's voice. The only thing that Eren could listen to at night, then hang up in fear that he'd have to speak to the raven.

"So, uh.. Hey, Levi. It's Eren- again. I-I was just wondering what you've been up to, and... Uh, I really miss you, so please come back home safely. Today, Mikasa told me that she actually thought that 'we' weren't all too bad. She said that if- I don't know, I think she said that if you ever came back, then I could be with you. Isn't that great?" Eren's voice cracked, starting to swell up with the urge to hold back choked sobs, hoping that Levi wouldn't actually be listening to the voicemails Eren left. "Or maybe you'll never come back. That's okay, she also told me that you'd be taking a long time, so I'll make sure to wait. Call me if anything changes, okay, Levi? I hope you haven't forgotten about me. I know everything's falling apart- I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. Come back home safe, please." He ended the message, making sure that the lit up screen was now off.

The brunet lay, looking up at the white ceiling, letting out soft breaths. It was nearing fall, and the weather was getting slowly colder. Even inside, you could sometimes see your own breath through the air as you exhaled. His mind slowed, everything mixed up and jumbled together. Everything had been thrown aside, because nothing mattered as long as Eren didn't know what he was doing with his life anymore.

His hands folded together on his stomach, the small breaths causing them to rise up and down. But that was all he could muster up with so little energy to do anything. Grades eventually slipped down the drain, friends eventually left, and the motivation that Eren held when he first came here slipped away. It was all every one of his teachers lectured him on and on about: you're flunking every grade, what happened to being energetic and happy about finally being entered into a school that accepts disabled people like you? What happened? Everything happened.

Everything was the reason for Eren's mind to slip away more often than not, and for him to start losing sleep during nights and sleeping more often in his classes.

***

There was a small knock at the door, two days later. The only person occupying the small room lay, still on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. Eren's days went by somewhat the same to this, he'd attend his classes, lecture halls and whatnot, participate as best as he could, and then come back to his room like this, bedraggled and an utter mess. The only way he'd spend the rest of his day was to try to call Levi once, and then to flop across the bed if Mikasa came by to help him. Or maybe Connie or Sasha- but they didn't talk to him as much anymore, neither did he try to stir up a conversation with them.

"Eren," The brunet's eyes shot open, his brain fully shutting down. It had been so long since he heard the soft voice, one that he would once put his trust in and use to guild himself away from danger, and the same voice he grew to distrust. "Can I come in?"

"What do you want, Armin?"

"I need to talk to you." Eren scoffed, barely being able to understand _why_ his friend would want to talk after all these years of running away and not trying to stand up as a best friend for Eren.

"About what?"

"I don't know, we haven't seen each other in a while-"

Eren cut him off, his voice echoing through the door, "That's the understatement of the year."

"Okay, so I haven't been here for you when you really needed it, but now I am. Eren, can I come in?"

"...It was never locked." The blond made his way into the dimly lit room, all sunlight being deprived by the curtains blocking it out. Darkness made Eren happy, not being able to have to think of how painfully bright and happy it once was in there when a certain someone was still around.

Armin looked around, sitting down on the opposite bed of Eren's, placing his hands on his lap. He was sent a nasty glare in return. "Jeez, Eren. I expected you to not be the type of college kid who strews their clothes all over and lives in a cave."

"Who doesn't?"

"I guess it would be normal, but you should try to keep it neater."

"Look, just because you already graduated from some _prestigious_ college somewhere thousands of miles away doesn't mean you now get to tell me what to do with my life!"

"Eren, you know that's not what I meant. I'm the same age as you, although I have graduated already. Some people just decide to take different routes."

"Routes?!" All the brunet could do was shout from a lying position, because he knew he certainly wasn't asking Armin for help. " _I_ am normal! You're the one who's changed over the years. Armin, you're not the same kid I loved as a brother anymore."

"I know I left," Armin sighed, looking at Eren's slumped figure. "...I know I grew distant from you, but I came to visit you; see how you've been faring."

"You wanted to see how I was doing? Right, because you're life is now so great that you suddenly have time for old, tossed away friends such as me."

"Eren-"

" _You_ grew distant! You didn't call, write, try to even at least text me or anything! How am I supposed to believe a word you say about how great we both are? Sure, your life must be great! Living in a mansion, becoming a doctor, and having a great girlfriend by your side, while I'm back here, stuck in this damn wheelchair, while you prance off without another care in the world!"

"You changed, too!" Armin had never been the type of person so raise his voice, scream, throw insults, or swear at any given time. He broke all these rules. "You now have so much confidence and you seem so happy! Even though you're unable to walk, you still seem so happy all the time! At least that's what Mikasa was telling me until recently. So, Eren, what happened to make you like this?"

"Not really any of your business." Eren replied, oh so nonchalantly.

"It is, because I'm your best friend. I have the right to know if my best friend is having a mid-life crises, or if he's falling into depression!"

"I'm not in a crises or a depression. You don't need to worry about me! I think you gave up that job eight years ago."

"Maybe so, but I want to be part of your life again, not someone you look at and think of as such an ugly person who is a horrible friend and did nothing to try to keep our relationship up."

Such laughter overcame Eren, and he might as well be going insane because he couldn't believe his ears when he heard Armin say that he now _wanted_ to be part of his miserable life. "Really? Right. I've managed quite fine for eight years without you, I don't need you suddenly right now."

"Mikasa said that you've been somewhat gloomy. Why?"

"Why? Because I fell in love with the completely wrong person, and now he's gone off and hasn't even called yet! Well, I supposed he's called- once, if you can consider that even trying to keep in communication. I was happy, and then he left for my well-being. I still don't know why he couldn't bring me along, but I know he's happier without me wherever he is right now. I'm still stuck, relying on everyone around me, while I'm paralyzed and can't to a single thing about it. What do you think's wrong with my life?!"

Armin stayed silent, most likely trying to process the easiest way to approach Eren now. Ever since they were kids, Eren would blow up in anger to the slightest things, and it would take a lot to calm him down. But never once would he let anyone besides Mikasa and Armin to calm him down, otherwise he'd go back at screaming and yelling. But without that trust anymore, Armin didn't know what to do to try to calm the brunet. "What was he like?"

"Seriously?! You're going to ask me a question as dumb as that right now?"

"Yes, I am."

"Fine. You want to know what he was like?"

"That's why I asked."

"He was beautiful, my light and day, the one who would drag me out of any situation, the one who would kiss me goodnight and then wrap his arms around me, still sleeping when I woke up the next morning. He'd have the most beautiful smile, that he'd only occasionally give, but he showed me on a multiple accounts. I was in love with him since the day I tasted his mint breath, been able to talk to him at night, and when we'd just talk for the hell of it. And then he left, because he said he was going to Germany to talk to my dad after I was sick, to see if there was a reason I had been in a coma for just throwing up. And then he only called once, and never picked up his phone again-"

"Did you love him?"

"Yeah," Eren started laughing silently, noticing how Armin still continued to be his clever self at having Eren admit everything and solving his own problems. "Yeah, I loved him. I still do, but I'll never be able to have the guts to say that to him to the face, or even over voicemail anymore."

"That's the smile I was looking for." Both men grinned, realizing how stupid they had both been. But Armin would always find a way to make Eren realize that he was always on his side, and that he'd support anything Eren wanted.

"You should try opening the windows, maybe then you won't be constantly sulking around everywhere without anything really running through your mind."

"That'll give the butterfly a chance to escape. I can't lose that."

"Oh, that painting? Did he do that? It's really good."

"Mm, he painted it before I came over. I think he wanted to major in art."

"What was he majoring in, then?"

"Literature."

"Oh," Armin stood up, brushing himself off, also making Eren scowl at him. Sure, it might be a bit dusty over there, but certainly not dirty. Levi wouldn't allow that, so Mikasa would wash the sheets once in a while so they would be fine if Levi came back any day.

"Mikasa said that you were starting to fail some classes. You've really got to put all your left over strength in studying and practicing, even if you still are sad."

"I'm not sad, I do try at my classes. It's just been harder to focus on the lectures and take in whatever is being taught."

"They _do_ make sure you're included, right?"

"Of course, that's part of the reason I chose this school. I guess I've been a bit... my mind has been wandering a lot, I suppose."

"Was it him?"

"Yeah."

"Forget, Eren." Though those two words have been tossed around by Mikasa already, but coming from somebody that Eren had just started to warm back up to felt a bit sharper. Like a stab in the chest, ripping out the half of you that you can't part with. From Eren's sister it was fine, but coming from his friend, telling him to forget all over again about the person he fell in love with feels like torture and a lecture.

"I've already tried."

"Try harder. Until you erase every memory of him, you can't get over him. And if he ever does come back, make sure to thoroughly kick his ass for neglecting you."

The brunet laughed, but pushed that thought to the far backs of his mind. "If I do that, could you try to help me walk?"

"Walk? Hm, I suppose I could try. I don't know if now it's possible, but if it is, surely I can help you."

"Pftt, thanks. I'm sure you'll be able to at least make my arms work without straining them."

"Yeah, at least that."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I haven't been updating, I'm just really bad at angst? I tried, at least, but it does seemed a little rushed; I'm sorry about that. Anyway, have fun as always! ^*^ Also, I've been battling my writer's block all the way through, but I'm happy about how the end came out.

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"Hey, Levi. I'm just wondering how you've been. You never picked up, and to think it's already been over ten months. When I look at it, it seems so far, but I guess to you it's just another year passed. Hey, at least you're not tortured by classes every morning.

"Well, I guess I'll hang up now. One more thing, Levi... I-I... I'm still in love you." Eren choked on his breath, quickly hanging up before he'd have time to start crying again. It had been the first time Eren had actually used that word by communicating with Levi. Even if it wasn't much, he still said it, and if Levi ever did decide to listen to all his messages, then he'd eventually hear the boy confess. Maybe he wouldn't return the feelings, maybe he'd shove him aside, but when Levi had been living with Eren, he seemed happy to be by the brunet's side.

But life changes, and Eren knew that as well- possibly better by far than anyone else, and that keeping up what he was doing now would only continue to hurt him later on. Lingering on the past can only do so much for one's mind until they would eventually drive themselves insane with the hopes of nothing that lingered any longer.

Sitting in the dark room, staying up to the peak of night when everything would sit still and nobody was heard from the other walls surrounding his, Eren would lay in the bed that no longer felt like his own, trying to hold back his confusion and the bitter pain brought by thinking of anything at all. Satisfaction never came, and Eren continued to talk to Armin and Mikasa until he grew distant and spaced out during classes. And it wasn't only because of Levi, it had been many things still holding his mind back from when he had originally signed up, getting good grades and becoming slightly better at subjects that he had never succeeded at, it had been parts and bits of what he would hear Mikasa talking about on the phone with a mysterious stranger, sometimes talking about him, or other things that would intrigue Eren. Having Armin around now constantly also affected him.

It had been, at least according to the small, red marks on the brunet's calendar, at least a full year round that Levi had been missing in Germany, or wherever he was right now. Maybe he took a cruise to the middle of the sea, far away from any place where Eren could find him, or maybe he was indeed still stuck in Germany. But there had been no calls, no texts, no letters, so Eren could only assume that he had given up on trying to interact with him.

A small ring from Armin's phone that he had left incase Mikasa wanted to call Eren started to buzz, and the caller ID wasn't clearly visible so Eren picked it up.

"Eren? I need to talk to you."

"Sure, Mikasa."

"It's about... Levi."

"What about him?"

She paused again, waiting for the right words to strike her before trying to tell Eren. "He's returning home tonight. His flight already took off yesterday."

"And you didn't tell me? Mikasa, you know how much I've missed him- wait, does he have good news? Is that why you waited? Oh my god, is he hurt? What if he's-"

"Don't worry, he's fine- I think. Eren, I just need you to know that if he's acting strange in the least, don't try to question it, okay? If he might be acting somewhat closed off from reality, don't bother him about it, and if he refuses to talk to you for a stretch of time, wait it out."

"Why would he not want to talk to me? Well, I suppose saying that he hasn't called or sounded happy when he called me... I guess you have a point there, but why would you want me not to try to fix us up?"

"Because... Just forget it, pretend I never said a thing. It's not important right now, but I'm going to come over to pick you up in a few hours so we can go meet Levi at the airport."

"Ah!" Eren smiled from his side, still sitting in bed but not quite caring since now he'd be able to see the raven again. "That's great! I'll get Armin to come over so I can get dressed into something presentable, and what time?"

"Around seven."

"What? That only gives me an hour!"

"Geez," She began to laugh quietly. "You're acting like a highschool girl who's going on her first date. Don't worry, I'm sure what you're wearing right now will be fine."

"I'm in my pajamas." The brunet deadpanned, trying not to show that he was actually very comfortable in the outfit, and that he knew Levi wouldn't mind if he came as is. "I think I need to get into jeans and a shirt."

"Fine. Whatever, do what you want. And make sure Armin doesn't pick out something _too_ formal, it's only to pick him up, okay?"

"Sure, I'll try my best."

"...I know you're really happy about this, and I don't want to get in your way, but I want to tell you right now that he's changed- dramatically. So, don't freak out, or ask him a bunch of questions at once, and don't try to put things back to the way they were. I mean don't act as if he never left, kissing him and hugging and all that shit, you know?"

"I guess I can hold myself back for a couple days. But why not?"

"Already told you; he's changed. Levi isn't the same person you fell in love with, at least he lost his old personality, but he _is_ still the same person."

"Fine. I won't try to ask him anything about what happened in Germany, and I won't go all lovey on him right away. I can wait until he's ready."

"Okay. Good."

"I'll see you at seven, then?"

"Yeah, and make sure you eat something, too."

"How did you already know I never ate a thing today?"

"I'm your sister, I know."

"Okay, bye." Mikasa hung up, leaving Eren both excited and wanting to jump around the room in bunches of fits of laughter, and also confused to the core about why Levi would have changed so drastically that Mikasa would want Eren to back away for a bit.

Armin came bursting through the door a few minutes later after he had been informed of the situation, holding a bunch of hair supplies and racks of clothes.

"What's with all the preparation stuff?" Eren questioned, pointing his hand at the general area where the blond had started to set up everything.

"Well, I thought that instead of running back and forth, I'd bring everything at once so you could decide up front."

"How about you scratch all the fancy things, and we go casual?" Eren laughed, still eying the possibility of dressing up for the heck of it.

"Ah, so you already are at the point where you won't dress to impress?"

"No, I never said that. Mikasa told me that I shouldn't go overboard."

"Sounds like her. Now, what do you want? I've got plaid, sweats, jeans, hoodies, all sorts of socks, ties, collar shirts for something a bit more fancy, and-"

"Just jeans and a collar shirt, I guess."

"Jeans and a collar shirt it is, then." Armin came out from behind the massive rack of clothing, holding two items in his hand. And they ended up fitting Eren perfectly, or at least that's what Armin told him.

His hair ended up being fluffed up into a mess on top of his head because the blond stated that it looked 'cute,' and Eren liked it either way. "Do you really think I'm not going too far to look nice?"

"Oh, no. You're perfectly fine, and he'll think you're sexy- I hope."

Eren started to panic, his fingers folding the shirt he had on, rolling it up and then uncurling it back down. "You hope?! You mean that you really don't know whether I'm going to look nice or not?" The only thing Armin could do was laugh quietly and try not to screw up his answer.

"No, no, I promise he'll love it. I just don't know what type of fashion sense he has."

"...Not much. He'd wear whatever was lying on his bed from the previous day. Well, it wasn't the same shirt, obviously, but he had almost ten of the same outfit that he'd wear constantly."

"So, do I ever get a name for this mystery guy or am I just going to have to continue guessing?"

"Right, his name is Levi."

"Levi, huh? Is he as hot as his name is?"

"If you consider toned abs and a chiseled jawline that had to have been made by God, then yes. Yeah, he's pretty hot."

"I'd love to finally meet him, since you do sure talk about him a lot recently."

"He's coming back home after a year! Armin, how could I not be excited?"

"Okay, fine."

Anything in Eren's mind telling him that something would go drastically wrong was shoved aside, and only the happy thoughts remained, if any. But hey, if there wasn't anymore memories of Levi that were happy, Eren would just have to either make up more, or pretend that they had never left.

A loud crash from the front door told the two men that Mikasa had arrived, and there was no more time to fix everything so it was perfect, and they both knew that neither had eaten at all in the hour they had to prepare.

"Eren, Armin, are you ready?" She asked, looking over to the now brightly lit room. It had been engulfed in darkness for the past year, and now that Eren was beginning his sophomore year with no sunlight exposure or exercise, Mikasa began to worry that he'd never feel like coming from his cave ever. But here he was, looking all spiff with his hair nicely combed and tamed to the slightest, and hardly any dark bags from his sleep deprivation state lingered.

The blond in the room started, "I'm allowed to go?"

"Of course, as long as you've already been warned of the circumstances?"

"Yeah, yeah, Levi's going to be a little off, and neither of us should bother him if he doesn't seem like talking." Eren and Armin both stated, and then Mikasa nodded, guiding Eren outside.

The rain had cleared up a few months after Levi left, although it would shower often during small periods. But right now, there was no sun peeking out from the clouds above, so Mikasa dashed over to the car, trying her best all the while not to force Eren along too quickly.

When the three neared the car, Eren's wheelchair being folded up by Armin as the raven hustled him in the backseat, rain dripped down on their heads, soaking their hair and numbing their fingers. But nobody seemed to mind, and since they were all in a rush, no one had the chance to mention how all three managed to forget their raincoats behind. And all three of them managed to forget to grab the keys for the dorm room. Oh well, later they'd just have to suffer in the rain as they wait for either Erwin or the locksmith to show up and get them warm and dry.

Right before Mikasa started to drive out, she glanced once back at the boy in the backseat, his smile obvious, but there was obvious knowledge that Levi and he might not be perfectly reunited. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah." Eren whispered, then glancing back up to face his sister. Both- no, all three in the car were smiling, as they pulled out into the mucky weather. Maybe, from here on out, life would see more sun, and Eren would finally get his grades back up, and he'd be happy for a change.

When they had finally neared the airport, two doors swung closed in front of them, just waiting to be opened. And Mikasa did exactly that.

"What if Levi doesn't want to see me? What if he's angry at me for something? Did I dress too casually? What about too formally-?"

Armin cut off the brunet before he could start talking forever. "No, Eren. You're completely fine. I'm sure he's going to be happy to see your face smiling up at him when he leaves the terminal."

"...Okay. But are you sure I'm not dressed too formally? How about my breath? Does it stink? Are my bags from my eyes gone? What about-?" The raven slammed her fist down on his head, sufficiently shutting him up.

"Two minutes. He's going to be landing in two minutes. Just wait it out, Eren."

Two minutes. In the matter of two minutes, Eren would finally be able to see his roommate once more, be able to touch him, maybe not have him resting near his chest at night, but still be able to feel him and taste the mint he'd drink. In a matter of two minutes, he'd see the black hair once more, and if he was lucky, be able to even feel the soft lips and cheeks of the man whom he loved. But that was just if he got lucky.

There was a crackle from the intercom."Alright, folks, get your signs out, get ready to hug your loved ones. The flight from Germany has arrived, they'll be heading to the bagging area soon." Sending out a public message like this was something this airport would do, especially if the flight landing was coming from miles away, let along over the coastline, over to Germany.

And then the people started flowing from the terminal, all three standing in the left of the room searched around for a certain man. Within a matter of seconds, everyone cleared from the massive group exiting, and only one still stood, silent and as still as a rock, as he stared at the three. His eyes were peeled open, mouth slightly dropping when he made eye contact. And then he began running forward.

Almost comical, Eren thought. Like when a girl would run to her lover, jump up on him and hug and kiss him. But, while Levi was nearing, the raven abruptly halted. He glanced over Eren, then Armin, then the last of the three, who was nervously picking her fingers in hopes that she wouldn't have to congratulate him back home. But there was no need to in the first place, since Levi remained silent, his eyes still glued to the brunet, who was staring just as intently back at him until they finally tore their eyes apart.

"Eren," Said boy almost melted in the warmth in the voice he had been longing for for the past twelve months, still asking himself whether he was dreaming or not. "I have some news."

He nodded, waiting for Levi to continue.

"I... I talked to your dad, and he said that you'll be fine. He doesn't know why what happened to you did, but he also told me that he'd look further into the matter. I still can't excuse myself for being away so long, and I know you're probably mad at me for not calling-"

"No, I'm not mad, Levi. I just missed you a lot."

"Oh. Well, okay. There's one more thing; I'll tell you when we get back to the campus."

"Okay." And with that, Mikasa started pushing Eren towards the luggage belt, which was still rotating one bag that was most likely Levi's.

Maybe this'll turn out right, Eren thought. Maybe nothing would go wrong.

***

Once they all returned back to the campus, Levi and Eren began to take their separate ways, Mikasa and Armin letting them be for the time being to try to get them both accustomed back to their old lives. They were nearing the bridge, while silence lurked over them as Eren was beign pushed by the raven.

"So..." Eren started, his fingers twirling nervously in his lap. "What did you want to tell me?"

"I, um.. I was thinking of moving out, give you some room and let you be with another roommate."

"What? Another roommate- Levi, are you serious?!"

He sighed, pausing to stop and collect his thoughts as he continued to speak to Eren the safest way he could approach the boy, "Eren, I am serious about this. I've been thinking while I was back in Germany, and I do think it's better if I pack my remaining things, and let you readjust to another life- without me." As much as it hurt to say these things, Levi had recited them from memories of practicing in the mirror, and then giving up miserably. But he had done it, he had started to break off the connection to Eren that he had been reciting for months.

"I can't believe what you're saying. First, you go off to Germany without even saying goodbye, leaving me alone for over a year, and now you're going to leave me along forever?!"

"Listen to me, Eren-"

"No! You listen to me! Do you have any idea how much I've missed you?! How long I waited in that hospital in hopes that you'd call and cheer me up somehow, or how many days I had to mark on the calendar without a single fucking call or text from you?! No, I don't think you do!" Eren was screaming at this point, yet keeping his tone at a mere rasp because it was fairly late out and he didn't want to attract anymore attention from the students around the campus. "You try to stay cooped up inside a freaking lonely, miserable room that no longer holds the happiness that once was there when the person who took off without you! Try it for a day, and see how angry I was at you!"

"Y-You were angry?"

"Yeah! I was angry, and I still am! You know what?! I could list a whole bunch of things that I'm angry at you for, and all the shitty things that I'm pissed off about through life!"

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"Really?! Well, isn't that what I've been hearing all the time recently! Well! Look at that! You're sorry! Who would've known?!!"

"Eren, stop. I never had any intention of leaving you alone, and I am really sorry for making you angry at me-"

"Stop apologizing when you've got nothing to apologize for." Came Eren's sharp response.

"What?! Don't tell me that you know I've got no regrets from leaving you, and don't tell me now that your voicemails have been a huge lie!"

"You heard those?"

"Yeah."

"...Then why didn't you call back."

"Because I couldn't, Eren. I need you to understand that I need to take a bit of time away from you, and that you won't interfere, okay? I want to hear you tell me that you're over me, and that you won't come chasing after me."

"The hell's that supposed to mean."

"Just what it sounds like. We need to separate for a while. But I want you to know right now that I never wanted to stay there so long, and that I would've called if I could."

"You're not making sense," Eren shook his head, now shocked into staying silent. "What happened to you being by my side forever? What about all those promises you made for me?! Was that all just a lie?"

"No."

"Then what was it? Huh?!! I don't understand what's so utterly wrong that you get the right to dismiss the promises you made to me, and when you said you'd never leave me! Tell me, Levi! What is so wrong that you have the rights to forget about _me_?"

"You need to shut up and listen! Listen to me for once, dammit! I never once forgot about you when I was in Germany, so-"

"Listen?! Really?! Has it come down to the point where I now listen to you and you tell me how to run my life?"

"No, Eren. It's not like that, okay? I'm leaving for a while, and I don't know if I'll come back, so I need you to be able to forget all about me, the couple months we spent together, and everything else happy about _us_! I just need you to forget!"

"Why?" The brunet's voice regained back to a whisper, barely audible to the older male, but he heard. But he never did respond, instead Levi started to push Eren once more, back to the room that had been so neatly prepared for his return, and back to the side of the room where he'd never lay in again. Or maybe he would.

When they neared the small building, Levi sighed, and opted to rest on the side of the wall near the door. It was still locked, and neither had the key.

"Why? Why would you want me to forget, Levi? After all those days spent together, and without a real, substantial conflict, you want to end it all before you even got home?!"

Levi pushed himself from the side of the building, squatting down to eyelevel with Eren before he spoke. " _I_ never said that I _wanted_ to, but I need to stay away from you."

"Who made you do this, then?!"

"I don't want to get you mixed up in the wrong sort of situation. Just stay out of it."

"No! I can't stay out of it if I'm the reason you're avoiding me now. I thought that when we reciprocated our feelings, that meant some type of promise that we'd look out for each other!" His hands reached for Levi's wrists, squeezing as tightly as his fingers would allow, which, surprisingly, was a lot, thanks to Armin's work. "What happened to looking out for the other forever?"

"I'm still taking care of you, and this is the best thing for us. I never stopped looking out for you." Eren's grip only tightened, his nails now digging into the pale flesh of the other man's arm.

"I don't get it. You say you're still looking out for me, then you plan to leave me alone again without anyone left to take care of the broken soul inside of me? I don't understand you, Levi."

"I'm doing the best for you-"

"What really is the matter?"

"...Eren, I don't want to see you get hurt on my behalf, or because of something I did. I'm just trying to do what's best for you."

"I'm not afraid of dying, Levi. If that's what you're afraid of, then stand up and protect me, take me with you and assure me that everything is alright as long as you'll be there." The bruent began to deflate in his confidence that had once been building up as he tore away at his throat while yelling at Levi. But now he felt subconscious, and Eren knew that Levi really had the upper hand here, and all he was managing to do was drive him further away from him by every word he began to spit out. "Because I know... I know that as long as you're by my side, I won't die. I'm not afraid of death anymore, Levi. I'm afraid of losing you before I will eventually lose myself in the process." Eren's voice now cracked, choked up tears beginning to stream out as the grip on Levi's arms were loosened.

Another person began to cut the raven off as he began to reply, and both men looked over to the person walking up to them. "Hey, Levi! Mikasa told me that you needed a lockpick!"

Levi started, crossing his arms once more, and laying his stoic, unmoving expression back on, "...Hanji,"

"Yep! Ah! You must be Eren?"

"Uh, yeah, I suppose."

"What do you mean?" She cocked her head to the side, smiling as she continued to approach the two. "I think you know your own name, silly."

"Yeah, I'm Eren, then."

"Great to meet you, Eren!" Eren grunted out a response, something along the lines of grumbling and groaning, seeing already how long this night would be.

"So instead of getting another key, or getting a locksmith," Levi began, waving his hands as he defended himself from Hanji's attacks, "you were sent instead? How pitiful a stupid move that was on Erwin's part."

"What?! I'm fine, I've broken into a ton of buildings before, so I know just what I'm doing!"

"Y-you've broken into buildings before?" Eren questioned, raising a skeptical eyebrow. But all he got in return was a huge nod, and another smile. _She sure was crazy_.

"So, Eren! How many locks did you use on this door?"

"Ah, about three?"

"Okey." After that, once Hanji began to take out a couple tools and began prodding them into the top three locks, Levi and Eren went back to staring at each other, not daring to talk incase the other there would interrupt them while they would finally be getting somewhere. But two hours to wait with nothing to do was certainly a pain.

"Levi, I really want you to come back home, and when we get inside that building, I want you to unpack your clothes and everything else, put them back where they belong, and stay beside me." Eren said, determination clear on his face.

The other male pouted,  but then a laughter so pure as gold broke out from his lips. The way the air hit his teeth, shining so brightly even though the sun was already beginning to set, the way his hair lightened up as his shoulders lifted together, and the way his crease in the middle of his forehead would immediately disappear looked so beautiful to Eren. He had missed the raven all too much while he was gone, and he certainly didn't even realize how much he was already longing to see Levi's eyes light up once more. And they had.

"You're so stupid, brat."

"I know."

"But, you've always been the pain in the ass that I've been able to keep up with, even if you were constantly a step ahead of me."

"What are you trying to say?" Eren looked up, craning his neck at an angle so impossible it just made it possible to see what Levi was thinking. But, of course, you can't simply tell what somebody's thinking from just a glance.

The older man leaned down, gently caressing Eren's cheeks before he pressed his lips against the brunet's forehead. Butterflies and tingles spread through his head, right down to the tips of his fingers when the contact was made, but it ended all too soon.

"You said that you were no longer afraid of death, and I really didn't ever know a time when you were, so I guess what I'm saying is that I say yes. I'll stay with you."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

"And you'll never let me go?"

"As long as you keep holding on, Eren. I'll never let you go."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been thinking about this fic. I've debated stopping it, since I had no more ideas to continue, and it seemed fairly rushed, but here's chapter 12! Updates are coming soon!

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Turns out that Hanji wasn't quite the genius lock-picker that she seemed to claim she was, and it turns out that the sky wanted to downpour once more, soaking Eren and Levi who really couldn't hide anywhere. Although Hanji didn't seem to mind being drenched- of course, she wasn't exactly considered human- Levi was shivering and trying his best not to kick the glasses off the maniac who was still humming along to a non-existent song in her head.

"Fucking four-eyes, if you don't get us inside in the next five minutes, I'm chopping your arse off."

"That's not threatening, little bun."

The raven's eyes turned into a small slit, as he held himself back from jumping Hanji right here and now. But it would be troublesome to have Erwin take home another dead body, wouldn't it? "The fuck did you call me?"

"Well, you're short, and you seem suitable to be in a small, bunny costume, so..."

"Shitty fuck, aren't you?"

"But you love me." She stated, still jamming the tools into the keyhole, in a desperate attempt to get Levi inside before she was massacred.

"L-Levi," The brunet started, still shivering from the stickiness of water sticking to his shirt, now clinging to his sides. "Just call Erwin. I don't care if he's mad, or if he won't do anything, but I'm sure he can do something about _this_." By _this_ , he was referring to Hanji, who was completely oblivious that she was hated already. But she was okay, actually. Quite crazy, but okay.

"Sounds like what I was trying to tell Hanji ten hours ago."

"No, no, no, no, no!! Don't call bushy-brows! I can get you guys in, okay? Just wait a bit longer-"

Levi's sharp tone cut her off, "Do you have any idea how fucking cold I am? Eren too, we're freezing in this freaking iced clothing. Just get us in, or I'll break down the door and then you'll have some explaining to do to Erwin when he needs to buy a new door."

"Okay, okay, you got it! Go break down the door, and I'll tell Erwin that it was because of the storm."

"No! You tell Erwin that it was because you can't even do a suckish job at getting inside- give me the tools." Four-eyes handed over her precious gadgets that she was clutching onto even when Levi's hand yanked it out of her grasp.

And then Levi began to work at the door; after waiting over two hours for the incapable Hanji to do anything, Levi began to open each lock, one by one, in a matter of thirty minutes.

It's not like he's done it much before, and if it wasn't for the lock system Erwin put in, Levi would probably have much less of a problem getting through a simple lock, and then two more. But it's Erwin we're talking about; he wouldn't just let a simple lock system go by without a thorough inspection of it first. And that's exactly what he did, until he was sure only a criminal could get inside.

"Wow! You did it, little bun!"

"Shut the hell up, Hanji." Levi grunted as he shoved the door open, then returning to bring Eren inside. When the wheelchair was fully inside, he shoved the door closed once more, making sure to let nothing else of Hanji's get inside, and then went on to lock the three of the security measures again. If Hanji was to try to get inside, it would take more than two hours, they knew that.

"Never knew you could pick locks."

The raven hummed, starting to boil some water; exactly what he would've done so many months ago when he used to occupy the building. "Yeah, apparently after a couple years I still have the skills level to a criminal. But don't worry about it, nothing's really wrong with beign able to break into any place you want. Wait, sorry, that sounded wrong." Levi laughed quietly, but then glanced over to the spot his bed was.

"Mikasa would come by and clean the sheets."

"Clean? Looks filthy."

"That's what I thought you'd say." Eren laughed, as Levi ran into the bathroom to grab a couple towels.

Eren already knew that his once stable relationship with Levi was now gone, and all that was left was the crumbled ashes of former trust. Maybe if the raven had returned earlier, maybe within the first few months, give or take a bit, then this tension rising up in the small room wouldn't be happening. Maybe if Eren had tried to call earlier- but then again, Levi had said that he had indeed listened to the voicemails, but hadn't done anything about it so that almost screamed out to Eren that Levi wasn't going to attempt to patch anything up. Maybe if Eren had been able to wake up earlier, catch Levi before he left, or maybe if he had the chance to stop him before Levi left for miles away, then Levi wouldn't be running away from him right now.

But was he running away? Eren was the one backing out right now; Levi was coming back to him with warm towels and the same soft, care in his eyes. Although that care was twisted to Eren's mind, since all he could see was the fire and power hanging inches away from his face. Levi was a scary person- when Eren heard that he had murdered people, he believed that Levi was very much capable of doing so, and the way he presented himself without a faulting detail, it could really scare off some people. Then why had Eren fallen in love with Levi previously, if now he saw a king who stood up on his throne without a single subject trying to object to his commands? If Eren had once had the image of grace and beauty in his head from Levi, then that was apparently just his imagination. It was a big joke.

Levi was a monarch who terminated anyone standing in his way, so then why hasn't he cut off his connection with Eren yet? If it really was a big deal, he would've done so when he had the chance, but he didn't.

The soft clicking of his shoes from the bathroom interrupted the brunet's thoughts. Eren glanced up, as Levi helped him onto his own bed.

"Jesus, we're soaked. Hanji was an idiot."

"Really stupid." Eren countered, although only knowing her for a mere three hours.

Eren wasn't running away. He was chasing for something that would never be granted to him if he kept up the pace of relationship with Levi as it was now. He would never gain advantage over the male if he continued to let things unfold like this. And soon, Levi would be graduating; Levi would leave him behind.

"So... Who's Hanji? How long have you known her?"

"Some friend that never gets the hint that I've been trying to drop for over six years. I want her fucking clingy self away from me, but she's stuck with it for a damn century." Levi paused, sighing. "Doesn't that make me sound old?" There was a slight- and _very,_ slight sense of humor, although the raven quickly pushed it aside and chose to stare at Eren instead.

"What about Erwin?"

"Don't get me started on how much she is all drooly-eyed over him. We've been waiting for her to finally get up with him since high school."

"Can't manage to picture _Erwin_ managing her." Eren laughed, pausing to let Levi snake his shirt off, as he threw it in the bathroom's laundry bin.

"Well, he's going to have to if they're going to end up together."

The youngest looked down, hands twitching as he waited for his mouth to form words. Of course, due to his pure luck, it managed to make the tension even thicker. "...What's our relationship right now?"

"Relationship? I thought you hated me."

"I do. But after a year... You never called, and- well, I just figured that since it had already been a year that you and I hadn't..."

"I don't really know."

"You?" Eren's eyes lifted upwards, flicking towards Levi's cold gaze. He hoped to see some regret, remorse, or sadness, maybe something other than the hardened glaze that he had previously removed from his eyes. But that was over a year ago, and it mustn't have been effective enough. "You, mister I'm so cool with handling relationships that I wouldn't have to check up on them to see how they're doing?"

"The longest standing relationship I had was only a month. You were the first person I stayed with longer than that, although half of it was just mutual friendship, I suppose."

"But eventually, you left."

"A long time ago, I mentioned once to you that when I was dating Petra, I had no clue where to go from that point, so I broke up with her to make sure she wouldn't end up getting hurt later on by me. But it wasn't the same with you. It was nothing you did to chase me off to Germany; it was my own choice. I realize that you're mad at me for choosing that path, and that I had plenty of other choices that most likely would've suited the present better, but now, I guess I'm a different person."

"Y-you're saying that you've changed? You're saying that you are no longer the guy I fell in love with?"

"The man you fell in love with wasn't ready. I had no idea back then, because all I wanted was to not fuck up what we had. I didn't want to hurt you, because I had the same feelings towards you."

"So?"

"So?" Levi repeated incredulously. "You were the first person to make me feel that way, Eren. The first ever to have created an emotional attachment to me, and the first person that I regretted not staying with."

"And?"

"And I wish I never left, never went to meet your dad, and never tried to pursue something in order to lose something much more precious to me that I already held tight."

Levi stopped, looking straight into the eyes of the boy. He leant in, pressing his lips softly against the middle of Eren's creased forehead, relaxing his anger and soothing his jawline as he ran his hand over it. When he pulled back, ready to retract himself in fear that Eren would be even angrier, a soft, gentle tug pulled him back at his waist.

"You promise you won't leave again?" Eren's steady voice whispered, waiting for the word and seal that would link them together again. Maybe after Eren could remember why he fell in love to begin with. Why he entered the dangerous game of love.

Levi nodded, and when his answer finally connected with the burnet's mind, he was swiftly pulled onto the boy, their lips colliding. It wasn't soft, it wasn't rough, nor was it passionate. It was at least the first step for Eren to finally begin to forgive Levi, and it was filled with something much more dangerous than anything bitter.

Pulling away, Eren looked at Levi, his eyes darting to his lips, his cheekbones, his nose, his ears, the tufts of hair falling on his face, his chin, and then his dark, gorgeous eyes that were swirling in many different storms at once. The only thing that made Eren happy seeing that was knowing he was the reason Levi was in the middle of a storm of chaos. "God, I missed you so much." Levi pushed back down, his shirt slowly slipping off without either noticing it. And maybe it was also unintentional, but Eren's fingers ran up his side, nearing the middle of his abdomen, while soft breaths were blown on the raven's neckline.

It was forgiveness.

It was all too tragic for the time.

It was all they could grasp onto.

It was renewal.

It was love.

And the night went on like this: layers of clothing slowly being removed- and the excuse later on was that it had been while they were unconscious, quiet pants being exchanged between the two while the glistening beads of sweat rolled down Eren's forehead continued, and the feeling of being recognized and known once more filling Eren's mind.

He wasn't running away. He was confronting his only enemy. The only obstacle standing in his way. Levi Ackerman. He would tear him apart, loving him until he died, and protecting him until he would crumble to the ashes of the ground.

This was just the beginning of the downfall.

***

It had been the following day that Hanji decided to stop by once more, before Eren went off to his classes. They were all huddled outside, since Levi refused to let the crazed women inside. He had a good reason, seeing that if she had come inside, they would all have most likely been torn apart by her screaming and shouting. At least nobody else was complaining about the noise yet.

"Eren," The women shoved out a small, plastic bag, her eyes shielded by her glasses. "I was up the last couple weeks, after I heard about your... predicament, and came up with this." She was obviously referring to him being paralyzed, but at least she hadn't come straight out and stated the facts.

Inside the bag was an orange bottle, labeled with nothing more than a few scribbles of pretty much unreadable scratches that Hanji considered her own writing. The only person who could make out her chicken scrawls was Levi, but from such a distance he couldn't see anything. "It's to help you strengthen your muscles, and eventually it'll work its way into your bones. All I can hope is that it will fix your blood, one of the reasons you were hospitalized a year ago, and start to heal you."

Eren raised an eyebrow, eying the small bottle now grasped in Hanji's fist. "And will it help me to use my arms?"

"I can't guarantee any results, but I know that the pills will help to realign your blood cells, which might lead to fixing whatever this is."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"I've been working on it for a long time now, Eren. You can trust me that it _will_ work." Hanji stated with all certainty. After what seemed like a millennium, she let the small bottle drop back into the bag, and stuffed it into the brunet's lap. "Do with it what you want; I hope it can help."

When she started walking away, Levi started to chase after her. "Wait! Hanji, can you tell me what it says on the bottle? Or what it actually is made out of?"

She turned around, spinning on her heel as she rotated, flicking her fingers at Levi's forehead. "No can do, little bun. Have a good day!"

"Fucking shitty-glasses!"

The raven turned back around, looking Eren in the eyes. Then his gaze flicked down to the bag, which was almost white and he couldn't see a thing through it. Hanji could've put drugs in the pills- trust Levi, he would know from experience that she'd do almost anything to what she would give away, and if Eren were to be dosing himself in a strange mixture of heroin and cocaine, it would turn him down into a pit of darkness with no light.

"Wait, Eren. Let me see the bottle."

"Okay." Levi snatched it from his lap, ripping the small, enclosed pills from the bottle. The container itself had nothing readable, not even for Levi. It was just a bunch of lines and shapes. But nothing was off about the pills, they looked fairly like those child tablets you'd give to kids instead of big, pain suppressants.

"I'm going to take these, and bring them to the lab to try to see what they're made out of."

"Do you not trust Hanji?"

"No, not one bit." Levi deadpanned.

"But you can be sure that she wouldn't poison me or try to give me something..."

Levi chuckled, looking back over to the boy, muttering out a long sentence of disbelief, "You wouldn't know the beginning of what she could be giving you."

"What could be so bad? She's your friend, so you should be able to trust her."

"Even if she claims to be helping you, never should you trust anyone giving you anything that could come in the form of pills, medications, drinks, or even food. Even if she wasn't as scary as she is, you still should refuse to use them."

"But if I don't take them, I'll never know if they work. And if they did work, I could be healing, or even better! I could walk; I could take you to places without feeling helpless without somebody by my side constantly. I would be able to fend for myself, and be able to go to school without the teachers pitying me, and the other students wouldn't make way for me because I'm somebody who can't function!"

"Eren-"

"No! No! No, you don't get it! I've been stuck in this body for my whole life, I've been through things that somebody like me should never go through, and if I risk it all now, I might have something to live for in the future!" The middle of his forehead creased, his eyebrows pushing together while he spat at his roommate. "I don't want to even think of back to when I was living with my dad! Can you imagine a life without air, light, food, or friends?!"

"...You don't get it." Levi neared closer to Eren, his face lingering over the boy. "We've all been through our worst; we've all been scared, frightened to go outside without being beaten to death, and the fear creeping up on you that you might not live another day! We've all had that feeling when we all wanted to die, to curl up and shrivel where you are at that moment! But I got over it, and everyone who supported me went through the exact same thing and they overcame it! I know you can, too, if you don't let a fake sunlight shine through!"

"You fucking idiot! I've wanted to be normal like you, my mother, my sister, and my friends forever! Every night I'd always wish that my legs would take me somewhere safe, and that I'd be able to run away from the hellhole I had back up in Germany! You don't have any idea how fucking miserable my life is, having to live in constant fear about my father, missing my mom, not knowing I had a sister, and being a frail as paper, fearing the day I'd break and ruin myself-"

"Shut up!" Levi heaved out another heavy breath, his face in front of Eren's. Every ounce of his mind told him to shut up, and let Eren take a rest. "You have no idea that you're not the only one who's gone through this state of mind; we all do at some point! We all look at the kitchen knives and think about the possibilities if we died, but every one of us that still stand to this day shoved those thoughts aside, and lived on with our lives! It's the same thing with the pills, they could be drugs and everything of your worst nightmare for all we know!"

"I don't care. I'm taking them, because if they have the slightest possibility that it will change me, then I'm more than willing to risk it."

Levi's voice dropped to a mere whisper, as he backed away from the boy. "It will change you. But not for the better."

The brunet scoffed. "Who are you to tell me that?"

"I went through something close to this, and I can't let myself watch the same thing happen to somebody I love! Nobody gets to die like this, and I don't want to see anyone have to go through this like everyone else I lost!" Tears were forming through the glassy eyes of the raven, and he held them back because he didn't want to see Eren mad at him. He didn't want to let Eren see him at his weakest state, though it really hadn't been as low as he had once been.

"So what are you trying to say?"

"Don't take the drugs. Trust me; throw the medication away, and everything can go back to normal."

Eren shook his head, starting to dance his eyes over the small bottle that made its way in his hand when Levi had let it drop. Levi widened his eyes, but he was frozen. He couldn't do anything more if Eren wanted to ruin his life right now, and he couldn't change this decision.

"I'm doing it. If there's even a slightest chance this'll heal me, I need to take it."

"No! Stop it, please!" The small raven begged, his fingers shaking with anticipation of his lover to take the one step to death. "You have no idea-"

"Yes, I do. I know fully what I'm doing."

"Fine." Levi started walking back to the room, "Don't come running back to me when you're on the verge of dying." He looked once back over his shoulder when his fingers reached the door to say one more thing, his eyes softening, "Oh, and Eren, have a nice life."

"I will! You can't tell me how I should live anymore! You've never been through what I have."

"Right. I'm sure I don't know about abuse, how it feels to have that belt slapped across your neck, or the feeling of pure bliss while on those drugs while somebody would shatter melted glass over your head. I'm sure you know a lot more than me."

Eren didn't reply, neither did Levi look back again when he slipped into the darkness inside. He certainly wouldn't be joining anymore of his lectures for a couple days, and he knew that since he was graduating this year since he had missed the previous, he would also be getting a low grade. A stink job, and low result of his life. But at least he hadn't thrown it all away. He came back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, lol, this is one hundred percent irrelevant, but the numbering system I've been using is stopping at 20, since I can't find anymore numbers from there and up. I'll be replacing them with tiny numbers, which will disrupt the obvious pattern, but hey.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez! I haven't updated for what, two weeks? Three? I have no idea anymore, but I'm not planning to stop. I broke my laptop, and it took a little longer than planned for the new motherboard to come in, so that's really the only excuse I have. But I have been brainstorming some new ideas, and (hopefully) new chapters will be coming in sooner.

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When everything had ended, and when Eren had finally calmed down slightly, he returned back to the dorms with Mikasa. Instead of seeing the raven seated possibly on his own bed, or maybe the one they shared often, or even resting against the counter with a cup of hot, mint tea in hand, he was greeted with silence, except for another empty room, and a small frame of a body hunched over Levi's bed. The rest of his side had already been stripped from its dust, sheets, and everything else that Levi had kept in there.

Instead of him turning around to tell Eren off about earlier, there was a women with striking blue eyes, and when her head flicked to the side to greet Eren, her almost white hair fell over her face. A small face, a short cut of hair that had been wrapped up in a neat ponytail, and maybe a sharp tongue.

Who knew? Maybe she was a serial killer.

"Welcome back, Eren. I'm you're new roommate."

"W-what about Levi?"

"Em," She hummed, turning back to whatever was more important in front of her before replying, "Said he wanted to swap, or whatever."

"Oh,"

Mikasa then decided to leave, silently slipping out without either the new girl or Eren noticing her.

The room felt desolate. Dead, maybe. All there was now on Eren's new roommate's side was a plain white cloth lining the mattress, and a couple bags on the floor. Nothing else, really. Even the old paintings Levi had up near his side were already stripped down.

"I'm Ere-"

"Don't really give a shit, Jaeger. I already know who you are."

"Do you have a name, then?" He prompted.

"Doofus, my name is Annie."

"Hello then, Annie."

"I was suddenly told to move out, and come here. Now, I want answers. Were you a loud roommate? Nosey? Too picky, or even dirty?"

"N-no, no. I wasn't- I don't think, at least. All I remember is us fighting as then he's gone when I came back from my classes."

"Well, fuck. Do you fight with everyone?"

Eren frowned, while attempting to push himself closer to Annie. "No, I don't. It's none of your business right now, and I hope you keep it that way."

"Jesus, all I wanted to know was if I needed to ignore you or not. But I'm assuming I'm also taking the place of him for moving you around?"

"Only if you want to."

She stopped, setting aside whatever was busying her, to talk to Eren facing him. Her eyes shone through his soul like the dead. It was quite scary, in fact. Bring isolated for over a year without talking to Levi, and then she appears, and now his replacement roommate is scary? How much worse could this get? Of course, it could rain. It could downpour, but Eren wouldn't mind. Rain was nice, it set aside his worries for a while so he could imagine himself running around in the middle of it and pretending to be an airplane, zooming through the skies. "Well, as my job as your roommate, I make sure you stay safe, and you make sure not to bother me unless it's urgent."

"What about... When I have to take a shower or go to the bathroom?" Eren questioned, his voice squeaking with piqued curiosity.

"What do _you_ think? I'm not helping with that; your sister will."

"Fine. I'm not interested in you, believe me."

"Whatever." Annie stood up, and began to unfasten Eren from the chair and helped him onto his own bed.

Anything could get worse, no matter how bad the situation. Eren could, for all he cared, be thrown off a bridge, and then Levi wouldn't have come to save him in time. What would have happened then? What if Levi hadn't tried to dive in after him, and never even bothered to call the ambulance when he was alone at night in the bathroom? Would they still be where they were, or would they still be mutual roommates? Who knew. Maybe someday, Eren would build up enough courage to ask Levi why he did all the things he did to save him, instead of simply thanking him to pass on the conversation.

"So, I'm going to guess a few things." Annie started, now putting the wheelchair away, tucking it to the corner near the door.

"Shoot."

"Who's this Levi dude?"

"My roommate, my sister's enemy... My first lover."

"Oh, you're gay?"

"I never did know what being attached to somebody was like until I met him. I guess I still am a little clueless to how these types of things like relationships are supposed to work, especially when I'm trapped to the ground. People tend to run off before I can have any opportunity to chase them."

"Is that what happened with you and Levi?"

"No, he didn't run away. He was the only one, besides my sister, to be able to put up with my constant rude and idiotic behavior, but then recently, I guess he was just fed up a bit."

"Why?" Annie's back was turned, so Eren couldn't see what she was doing, but could hear a faint scratching of paper.

"One of his friends, Hanji, suggested I take a couple pills to strengthen my bones and muscles. I don't know if it was supposed to work, but I took them anyway. Levi was mad at me, and he and I had a fight before I went to my first class."

"What type of pills?"

"Hanji never said. All Levi told me that I shouldn't trust her and that it might as well be drugs or death-in-a-bottle."

"Why did you take them?"

"Why do you care so much? I thought you seemed all chill, somebody who doesn't give two shits about anyone or anything." Eren laughed, his breath chilling his face. Nothing was warm about him anymore, neither was his laugh genuine like it had been only a year ago.

"Just answer."

"Well, you've never been in a wheelchair, I'm assuming, but it fucking hurts to not be able to be able to do a lot of different things. I wanted a chance, even if it was small and I would have to take a big risk with it, to be normal. To live a normal life with Levi, and to be able to... Fuck, what am I doing? You just met me, I've just met you, and I'm already blurting out my deepest secrets to you."

"It's not that big a deal. Talk to me; I might not listen, but I guess I'll always have to be here now."

"Did Mikasa tell you to do this for me?"

"What?"

"You know, being nice towards me because I might be suicidal or something crazy like that."

"No. She and I have never talked before. All I know is that she is your sister, and she'll be visiting often."

The brunet stayed quiet, deciding to fall back on the bed when he began falling off a pillow. The ceiling was a grand sight. So plain, so filthy, and so... White.

Why hadn't Levi been there? Eren had no clue, neither did Annie, and it didn't seem like the raven would be coming back to explain to him what was going on. Maybe it had been because of earlier; Levi was just really angry and needed some more space? But he would've come back by now, not give up his room to somebody else. Nobody would be able to change Levi's mind that fast, so he had to have another reason to leaving Eren. Again.

Maybe the boy had been too obnoxious, and he was sick of it all? Or maybe it was just something else that Eren would never know, because that was all right.

"What are you doing there?" Eren asked. Annie had been hunched over for a while, the same scratch marks on paper continuing.

"Hm, nothing."

"Please? Tell me?"

She sighed, turning to face the brunet. In her hand was a small book, with a black sheet of paper covering the front. "I'm an art prodigy, okay?"

His eyes light up, widening at the same time. "Can I see a couple drawings?"

"No." She went back to facing away from Eren, returning to whatever project she was working on that was so private. "Not yet, at least. I haven't shown anything to anyone yet, and you're not going to be the first."

"Bummer, I'm sure you're a great artist."

Annie stayed silent, since her face lit up with a slight blush. Nobody had ever encouraged her before, so she was used to insults for being one of those 'dorks who draws.' "Not even close. You're much worse, though. I can tell you that much, at least."

"Hey! Just because I'm paralyzed doesn't mean I'm horrible at everything!"

"List three things you can do with accuracy." Annie deadpanned, her eyes dead as she stared at the face she had been molding from the paper.

"...Oh! I know; people say I have a great smile, so I can light up people's days. And..."

"It's fine. At least you can live. Score one for the Jaeger."

The rest of the night went on like this: two people sitting on opposite sides of the room, one of them laying down since that was the only thing Eren could really do. When the sun set, and the moon appeared, Eren thought that he'd maybe never see Levi again. But at least Mikasa would be happier, right? There would be no more of the raven hanging around the room, and she wouldn't be fighting all the time, unless she ended up hating Annie.

"So... Can I see a couple pictures?"

"No, you shithead."

"Okay, I'll ask later."

"No, you won't."

"Whatever. Can you get me in bed, please?"

"No."

"Then I'll just be sleeping like this?" Eren asked, his arms spread out over his head."

"Apparently, yes."

"Nooo.. Just change me, please."

"Gross. Fine." The boy smiled, and allowed himself to be prepared by someone other than, really, the only other person he had ever allowed to touch him besides Mikasa.

***

Not much earlier, Levi had been stumbling upon his old... Acquaintance. Let's just say that he purely hated this person, but he also didn't want to return back to where Eren was most likely hurting. If he went back- first off, Erwin would kill him since he already asked to be relocated, but then he couldn't just visit somebody else.

And since the dorms were both females and males, he had no idea he'd be ending up stuck with the piece of shit who was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Petra," The male snarled, shoving his bag on the empty bed, most likely where her old roommate had previously been occupying.

"See you still haven't forgiven me about that one time."

"No, how could I? You let him almost die, Petra. I thought I could've put more trust in you."

"Whatever. It's good to see you're still mad, although you're now moving away from Eren. Why's that?" Her brown locks fell over her face when she turned to take another sip of probably coffee. Maybe tea, but most likely coffee.

"We had a fight."

"And you're going to run like a wimp because of one fight?"

"IT was different than any type of fights couples get in."

"Further indulge me." Petra deadpanned. After hearing a sigh from her ex, she got up to start helping Levi unpack his clothes into the empty closet and remake the bed.

The raven scoffed, but answered while he was folding the bed sheets over. "Hanji gave him a 'pill' that was supposedly going to make him stronger and possibly allow him to use his arms to write, do some schoolwork, and such. But I told him not to, yet he did. End of story, okay?"

"Doesn't seen like you. Why _did_ you run off?"

"...It's just..." Levi stopped his movements, substituting them for plopping himself on the half-made bed. "W-when he was gone, I saw... Things. God, what am I doing? Sitting here, telling my lazy ass off to you while you probably don't even care! Nobody cares about anything going on anymore! Eren sees a solution, although it's only temporary, he goes right for it without even thinking of the side effects or thinking with any sense!" He turned to face Petra, his hands had found his hair a second ago, which were now pulling at the black locks. "H-He's gone, Petra! I can't get him back now!"

"Shut up!" Her eyebrows creased, while she made herself welcome to sitting next to Levi, holding his hands from doing anything worse than pulling all his hair out. "You did nothing wrong, Levi. Stop blaming yourself for _everything_! Just stop trying to keep everything hidden away, since this is always how you end up!"

"No, no. It's not anyone but me!" His eyes scrunched closed, face dropping to his curled legs to rest on the tips of his knees for comfort. His head spun, and the only thing he could really try to do was hold back the urge to punch the women next to him, and cry everything out. "I was the one who left him, keeping him stranded for a _year_ alone here in this shithole! I should've disregarded his father's wishes, like I already ended up doing, and come back home to him sooner!"

His back shook with each heaving rack on sobs. There wasn't anything or anyone else holding him back from this, since he knew that Petra had already known about his tendencies to break down once in a great while from his stone cold outfit. She had once been the one to comfort him, the one to bring him a hot cup of hot chocolate after these periods of screaming. Petra was really the only person alive now that knew him for the monster he could be. Not even Eren was allowed to see him at his state of mind as of right now. Well, maybe once, but he was unconscious, in a moving ambulance.

"Sh... It's not you're fault, okay? Don't keep blaming yourself for everything that's not going right."

"It's not all that I'm feeling guilty. It's not all because of that."

"Then what is it?" Petra was rubbing his back in circular motions, repeating the patterns until his breathing was back to its steady rhythm. Occasionally, there would be a couple unsteady shakes from his chest, and he'd sniff in the remaining tears and pain.

"It's just..." Levi turned to look at her, his eyes swollen and red. When he spoke, time froze, and everything seemed to break apart in front of Petra's grasps. "I'm scared."

Mountains of protection and walls of glass began to shatter that night, since all he could do was nothing. No more hiding, and no more pretending he was strong. He wasn't; Levi was weak, at least right then, and everything wanted to pierce his soul open when it could slip in for the first time since he had escaped Kenny, more than ten years ago.

Petra's breath stilled, and she went closer to wrap her arms around the small male. Even if they were still on unsteady terms, she would be the one right now to help Levi. Not Eren, not his mother, not anyone he thought he could trust for years, long ago. That had all been a mystery, or just a hoax. Something fake, a mask hiding him from the world. Nobody knew this, nobody would ever know this either, but Levi was really fragile.

Even though he learned to cope, seeing now his childhood replay itself was truly a scary thing indeed, although he knew that lingering back on the past was truly a dangerous thing to do, indeed. Like such before him, he would fall into the frail corpse pit as well, no matter how many people pulled.

Of course, unless Eren could somehow patch everything back up. But why would such a young boy be expected for such responsibility?

The sun had disappeared, and the sky was lit by the millions of stars swirling in the ocean of darkness. They twinkled, they shone, and they blew out soon after the sun began to rise the following morning, but when they came out, both Eren and Levi were able to gaze out at the same view. Even though they were now separated, again, both gazed out the window, Levi with a mug of hot chocolate in his hand, and Petra taking a shower in the bathroom, leaving him alone for the moment, and Eren laying in bed, listening to the scratches of Annie gently sketching out her next big project.

Things had certainly changed, that was for sure.

Levi had a borrowed sweater wrapped around his body, as the cracked open window's breeze flowed in through the room. It felt like winter, maybe because it was nighttime, and everything always seemed to settle down then. Mothers would drag their children inside, and fathers would shut the lights off, the town slowly shutting down for eight hours. It was a time of comfort, relaxing, and trust. Nobody feared the night, or what could happen when the household was asleep, but for Levi, he'd hardly catch a minute of sleep going forward. And when he would, it would feel like a miracle.

Maybe this was the beginning of the downfall.

Or maybe this was the end of the first bump, only to be the beginning of something far more disastrous. Something to tear everyone's sweet, sweet souls apart, and rip out their voices that sung beautiful melodies in the night.

It was only a game, but there was no redo button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short 'lil thing, but another chapter is already being written!


	15. Chapter 15

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It had been the beginning of the end, as some would say, and it's quite possible that Levi was thinking the same thing right now. He was bent over the floor of his room, a rag in his hand that was already feeling worn from just buying it not so long ago. Other cleaning tools including bleach, disinfectant, and such were spread across the floor in a mess of an arrangement, and Levi could barely hear a thing going on around him, let alone be able to stop to eat or take time to realize the sun was setting after starting in the morning. He actually hadn't eaten anything since he woke that morning, from a blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he forgot to put himself to sleep in a bed, instead choosing the windowsill near Petra's bedside.

But now, nobody could help him out of this enchantment. Nobody really came for him, either, so it didn't actually matter as he was dying in the inside, trying to clean the one stain off of the floor that had been there since Petra moved in. Wine might have been the cause of it, and a possible added bloodspot, or juice stain.

It hit him hard when he realized his hands were bruised with the scraping actions he was preforming, and that his fingertips were red and swollen and bleeding from the mixture of bleach and alcohol he had added together in hopes to remove the spot. This hadn't bothered him the night before, nor had it even caught his attention until he had tripped over the rug hiding it, and immediately set to work on it. Apparently, the students before him had decided that hiding the stain was just as affective as cleaning it out when it was still possible.

It stung his fingers, creeping into the crevices of behind his nail and flesh. It burned into his eyes, touching every part of his body like a disease, but he couldn't feel any of it in the process of dabbing at the floor which was now de-toxicated and sterilized to its full extent, while the stain hadn't begun to even in the slightest fade away.

Flipping the rag on the only corner that hadn't been used already, Levi poured more bleach onto the small towel and pressed it at the floor, dabbing into the already whitened rug that wasn't going to vanish the stain. It bore holes through his fingers, clawed at his fingertips, and crept up to his wrists until the hands that were once so soft and beautiful were now marked with white spots and blood and bruises with occasional ripped pieces of skin.

The only person who could stop him now would be his mother, or maybe Eren. But why would Eren be here right now? He wouldn't, since he hated Levi for what he had said. The raven had blown up at his face, afraid to trust him anymore after the orange bottle had been gripped together as tightly as it could in the hands of the young boy. And his mother was long dead, after years of intoxicating her body with alcohol and drugs. Just like everyone else he had known, Levi's whole past had included many people who had died by the same causes that killed his mother. He had to witness the horror that she went through, from sitting up late at night to make sure she'd come back home safe, and then protecting her from his uncle.

And when she died, nobody else but the same abuser from years before was there for him, since he was the only one with blood relating to Levi. The one Ackerman that tried to capture and abuse everyone he could get his grasp onto, and that included Eren's adopted sister. Kenny Ackerman had been the living spawn of hell, coming down just to rip apart the any remaining trust Levi had in anyone.

But it had happened, and he had to see it happen again when he thought he had stopped all the cruelty and injustice in the world as he knew it, but that would never happen as long as he considered himself a mortal human. Everything as he knew it back then had come back to bite him, since he had managed to escape with two best friends by his side while he ran from the terror residing in his home. And then he met Erwin, who took him without another second thought, but since then, the world spun on its heels, flipping Levi's life over in a series of events, deciding that he hadn't already gone through enough.

Eren had been that reincarnation of his mother, his father, his uncle, his best friend who happened upon the same things, and everyone else who died at the hands of lost hope. Eren had been the only one he had the chance to stand up to, to put everything to a stop for once, but he let it slip from his grasp again. And again, and he would continue to do so after that until he realized the true reasoning to Eren's actions.

But, as of right now, he was killing himself the only way he knew how to. All he could really do was rub at the floor, hoping that he could vanish and never have to look at the spot anymore, so he continued to wash it away with all the guilt and pain built up and all pent in from years past. He wished that Eren would come back, tell him that it was all his fault for the way he was acting the past year, and that it was his fault everything was like it was now. But people kept insisting that it wasn't him; it was the world around him, and that he had nothing to do with Eren's life, or Annie's, or Mikasa's, or maybe even Petra's herself. He was in control- with _everything_ he chose to do and say, and the only thing he wanted most was for everyone to tell him that he was a mistake, and that he made all the wrong choices and the world was burning up on fire like gasoline because of him. He needed to know that Eren was dying because of him, and not anyone else.

Maybe it made him feel more content with himself, but in his attempts to scrub off the venom, his nails cracked, and the skin underneath that only had but a small, thin layer of soft and unprotected skin began to bleed uncontrollably, and it felt like heaven. He blamed himself, and Levi knew that if he tried putting the pressure on someone else, he wouldn't feel the satisfaction he did when he imagined Eren telling him that it was all his fault, and his mother scolding him for doing everything wrong- for being the child of her womb, and the images of Kenny slapping him into the perfect shape he should've been. But it hadn't been worth it. Not in the least.

He didn't want to hear Eren actually tell him that he was a mistake, and Levi already knew that he only wanted to believe in the brunet, and be able to please him while meeting his expectations. It was all he ever wanted, to be able to please everyone who thought he was wrong, and then hold all his faith in that person, although he could never do that if it happened to be somebody reenacting his past.

It had been a movie script. Eren walked over to him, and told him so softly that it wasn't his fault, and that he'd stop the drugs while also forgiving Levi for everything he'd ever done to harm the boy, and then they could both live happily, but then it all vanished when he opened his eyes, or told Eren something incoherent that most likely wasn't important, but it still continued to linger in his brain. His memory. His Eren that he had lost.

When he finally took another breath, his hands slowed, and he looked down at the mess of himself he had created, caused, and massacred for himself. He had begun to ruin himself from something so self-centered as wanting to be able to fit everyone's expectations as needed.

Everything but the soft breaths from his mouth stayed silent, since the whole room was quite quiet, except for the radiator going off since it had been cold inside, and every thought running through Levi's head that bounced his brain.

Now that he was more fully conscious of his mental and physical state, he could clearly see the bruises that would be there for the majority of the next week on his hands, fingers, legs, neck, and behind his ear. He had a habit of scratching both the small part of his back earlobe, and neck when he was either angry, frustrated, or sickeningly nervous. Maybe he had been angry at how everyone seemed to leave him the minute anyone wanted to make a connection to him, or his father and the bull he'd pulled over Levi's lifespan, or maybe he was just frustrated and nervous with nothing. Nothing really was inside his mind right now, except the issues in front of him.

And the phone buzzing behind him, which he had not picked up for over a half hour since the caller had begun to contact him. But it must've been important if they continued to ring him over and over and over again even if they knew that he'd most likely refuse to pick it up, or was just ignoring them for the fun of it. Whoever it was, Levi picked up to and rested the phone on the counter while he began to gather items for a shower.

"Hello, Levi," This voice was all too familiar to Levi, since he had been surrounded by it for the last year of his life, at least half of that year.

"Mikasa,"

"It's Eren. And urgent; I suggest you head over to the hospital as soon as you can."

"What? Why is he in the hospital? I thought he was healthy."

"Apparently, Annie found him yacking up last night, and never bothered to tell us until the doctors said that family could visit."

"I'm not family, you are. Why would you be concerning me?" Levi picked up the clutter on the floor and shoved them into the small trash bin. Just to be sure, he also threw the rag away, replacing the old, dirty rug with a towel in the storage cabinet.

"Because that's my point. You're as much family as Eren needs right now, and I need you to come see him."

"He wouldn't be so appreciative of this if he was conscious, I'm sure."

"No," Mikasa pursed her lips as she paced the hospital's inner corridors outside of her brother's ward. "But Eren isn't conscious in the slightest, so he'll have no idea you came. Just please come; we both really need you right now."

"...Okay, I'll be right over."

The raven jumped into his car after quickly leaving Petra a note of his whereabouts if she came home before he did, and quickly made haste to put the towels and clothes away that he was planning to change into after taking a shower. Apparently, things could get worse after this.

***

The male ran into the building, rushing through the receptionist's fancy way of dragging out the time it took to fill out forums and sign names to three times its normal length, because she obviously couldn't tell Levi was in a hurry- or anyone else in the waiting room, for that matter. Tapping his fingers three times on the door outside the same ward that Eren had been in previously, he lingered a moment there, waiting to see if Mikasa would pop out and tell him everything was just a joke, and then ditch him to go home.

But when he saw the deathly pale face belonging to his once tan and beautifully fair face, arms, and shoulders, a cement hit him in the gut, causing him to reel back in hopes that when he'd glance over again he wouldn't see the same sights that had been before. But he did, and Levi knew for sure that this was now what Eren was: a fragment of the joyful and happy child living inside a teenager's body, sharing the same mind with a grown adult that Levi had been able to see grow up inside. Eren was white, almost comparable to a piece of printer paper, and his lips no longer breathed in the air that colored his cheeks, or fingertips.

Eren was the boy who moved in with Levi when this all began, the boy who never was sure of himself to the extent where he'd be able to cope with what and how he was born and created, and the boy who had admitted his feelings for Levi in the middle of the night, in the most inconvenient time possible. But Eren Jaeger had been the boy to teach Levi the joys in opening his mind to other possibilities, and the boy who had showed him rollercoasters of love, joy, sadness, and, most of all, reality. Even at the perspective of a boy who knew all too less than Levi, he still managed to gain the knowledge far greater than Levi himself, and hadn't bothered to cover it up when he had met the raven.

Eren had just been the boy who moved in with Levi a year ago, but now he was the boy sleeping in the hospital, lingering on the one last strand of life displaying itself on the heart monitor, and the oxygen tubes wiring into his breathing mask around his face, and the boy clinging to that one last string of life. The boy that Levi Ackerman had fallen in love with. The boy in the hospital, dying.

When the raven approached the bed, his knees shook underneath him as a steady hand trailed across the frail features and marks and deforms on the boy's face. Although nothing could be the way he wanted, Eren was perfect, even in this condition.

Mikasa was sitting to the side, watching Levi with little interest, her hands fiddling together as she tried to hold herself back from ripping Levi backwards, and away from her brother. But she let him linger there for what seemed like longer than anything either men have ever been able to experience. And time, for what seemed like the hundredth and first, froze, the clock ticking back. Mikasa had waited patiently until Levi finally brought himself to come inside, although he was the only one who really didn't know why Eren was here. He'd blame it on himself, the DNA composure that was slowly failing, or even Eren's bones that might have just given out one last time, but never what really happened. Maybe he was too scared.

"...W-What happened?" Levi spoke, his voice quite as he toyed with the idea of getting far away from this town and riding up elsewhere, so he wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, but forced the thoughts out of his head.

"We don't know." Mikasa lied. Of course she knew, but it would hurt Levi all the more and all too much if she told him right now. In the state Eren was, nobody knew if he would awake with bright eyes again, or if he'd be another sleeping statue.

"How long has he been here?"

"Almost two nights. Today is his second."

Levi remained silent, until Mikasa spoke, "You still love him, right?"

"Of course, I do."

"Then why are you trying to separate yourself from him?"

"...It's none of your business."

"Yes it is. I'm his sister, and I have the right to pry into his personal life, and whatever might include itself into that."

"But you hate me. I'm the one that's responsible for breaking your family."

"No, you're not. I know it wasn't you then, and I can get over the fact that you are related to the person who did it, but I know you hate every second of it. I just want to get some answers."

"Is that why you called me over here? For answers?"

"Not fully," Miksasa pursed her lips to pause, still debating whether it was worth the risk to tell Levi, who loved- or loves her best friend that she had grown together with. It wasn't right to keep this from him, but... "There's something I never told you."

Levi glanced over, waiting for her to continue in complete silence, telling her that he was fully ready to hear, and also that he already knew it wasn't anything good.

"It's, um... E-Eren's going to be undergoing some major surgery, in hopes that he doctors can try to help him use his muscles and strengthen his bones. But as you've told me, his body might not allow any fixes, so we don't have a clue to whether it will work or not, and whether or not he'll come out of this alive." She turned to face the raven, her eyes already streaked with slight puffiness and tear stains near the corners. "I wanted your consent before we did this."

"...Why would you ask me? He's your family."

"Because I know how much he looked up to you, and wanted to be able to hold you without you having to readjust him every so often, and I know how much danger he's put himself through in order to do that. Even though you're trying to break apart from him, I know he's still in love with you."

"No, he's not."

"Yes," Mikasa couldn't choke back another burst of tears, sobbing out as she still held Levi's firm gaze before speaking, "He's madly in love with a man named Levi Ackerman. Put your past behind you, and make sure he's safe. I know if you don't want to do this, you'll stop us either way, so I'm giving you the first chance at life or death."

"...Fine. It's okay to do the surgery. Just call me the minute he gets out safe. Tell me so I can see his shining eyes."

"That sounds great." She smiled at Levi, for the first time being able to be actually happy, seeing that if Eren wasn't able to make it, Levi would still be here. Little did she give off the impression she cared about the male, but she did, as Eren had done so just in the short past.

Mikasa glanced over, seeing that the raven was focusing directly onto the boy, his eyes hardening on the sight, yet softening by seeing his old friend in the flesh once more, even if it would happen to be the last. She drawled, "I don't hate you, and I know you do, but Eren wanted us to get along..."

Levi bit his lip, curling into the seat he was perched upon, hiding his head from the boy. "How's that going to work?"

"I know already that you blame yourself for everything that happened to me, to Eren, and to yourself, but don't keep putting that much stress and pressure on yourself when nobody else has to." Levi glared at her, muttering something she ignored. "If the surgery doesn't go well, I want you to stop blaming yourself, put all the past behind everyone, and try to forgive yourself. For everything."

"All I'd ever want is to hear somebody tell me that it was all my fault, yet everyone always says the same thing as you. Don't blame yourself, Levi, stop trying to kill yourself with the stress, and so on. It doesn't help. It just makes me want to do it even more, to hear someone finally tell me that it's all my fault and I'm a horrible person for once."

"But that isn't possible, because it isn't true. You were a great person to Eren, and imagine him telling you the words that you've always wanted to hear; would you want to then? Hear him saying that you're a horrible person? Because you always treated him right, and helped him when he needed it, so I can't figure why you're suddenly backing out now, when he needs help and the person he loves the most."

"But it _is_ true. I am horrible, ever since I came to this place. My life had been revolving around Kenny, and he was the one to hurt both you and Eren. I wanted nothing to do with it, and everyone blamed me, yet I miss it. I miss the scolding at night, and how everybody seemed to lurk everywhere and always hate me. Here, no one seems to hold any grudges, and lying to support somebody seems like the normal."

"Levi, stop. Just stop to think, and tell me what you've done wrong within the last year."

"I left Eren when he needed me. And now he hates me for it, since I did it twice."

"You know that he was okay with you flying to Germany, but this time, I think you were just scared."

"My OCD kicked back up after I left. So did my insomnia."

"That was just because they never left, and since Eren was there, you probably didn't notice them as much or were able to hold them back better."

"So what? I've let my walls crash down, and I'm a horrible, broken person. What else is there to tell?"

"Well, although I personally always hated you, you're actually really kind, forgiving- not to yourself, you loved Eren so much as to go all the way to his missing father to question him, and a lot more. You've got a great smile, as Eren told me, and everything about you seemed perfect to him, so don't screw yourself up over this. I know he'll come out safe, alive, and happy to see your face as the first thing he'll see. And I know that he'll forgive you like you've forgiven him for some things before."

"That would be great, but I'm already too scared to see him again."

Mikasa whacked him on the small of his neck, scowling. "Shut up, and start working on your attitude. When Eren wakes, I want to see you in the room, and I want you two to apologize and forgive each other. Honestly, I miss seeing the two of you acting all cutesy together; it was adorable."

"Adorable?"

"Sorry," She laughed, holding up her hands. "I meant to say that when Eren was with you, just talking, or being saved from death, he was happy, and since he confessed to you, I know he knew."

"Knew what?"

"...Knew that you were going to be his soulmate. Otherwise he wouldn't have kept talking all about you when I came to visit. I learned more about you than you probably knew about yourself."

"I highly doubt that. We're not soulmates. But if he thought that, it's really like him. I'm not meant to be with anyone, since I broke everyone else I came across and whoever flung themselves at my side."

"Explain, if you want."

"Petra. My new roommate. I was dating her for a month, but had no feelings for her, so I broke up with her. We had been friends for a while, and she wanted to take it to another step, so I agreed. That's really all that happened, neither of us were really happy in the relationship, but now we're sort of forced to talk."

"That was just a mistake. You were young, with nothing to lose. Think about this: Eren, for the longest time since you came around, was always too scared to get involved in a relationship, because he had it set in his mind that he was going to die soon enough, so there was no point. But then he met you, and all his theories changed. He even told me himself that he would never figure you out, the mysterious man that saved him from drowning, yet told everyone, and himself, that he was useless. Why don't you just accept that you're a great person, and Eren loves you?"

"Because it can't be true. How can somebody so great as Eren be able to put trust and faith in me when I'm just some jerk who can't even manage to make him happy?"

"But you're the jerk that was made for him. He said that even if you're not going to always be there for him, he'll try to be there for you. Even if you're broken, and he's the only one left to heal you, he would wait it all out and fix you every single second of it. He only wants to be able to love somebody who won't disappear again."

"I won't."

"Good. Now, I've got to go, have a couple appointments. Just call me if something goes wrong, and stay as long as you want."

"Thanks." Uncurling, he saw her leave, closing the door behind her, and heard the clicking of her shoes on the stone outside."

The window was open, just the same as always, and it felt still too much like the past few incidents when Eren had been put in this exact ward.

But then again, why would anyone expect somebody as fearless as him to stay in one spot for his whole life, when he could be going anywhere he wanted and laugh the moment away with that perfect smile laced across his face when his skin was so tan and full and beautiful to all levels, when now he was just a frozen state of what used to be? He had been so healthy, that this even surprised Mikasa. Only Eren knew why he was here, although he didn't notice the taste of mint touch his lips, since he was, after all, unconscious as Levi pulled away from the boy, his hand retracting from gently holding his hand.

When Levi looked at the brunet, he knew that nobody could replace him, and if he didn't make it out of the surgery, he'd honestly shut him out of the world forever. 

But Erne had been the one to pull him out of anything, so he could trust him now, because he remembered why he had fallen in love with the poor brat. A cold gust of wind blew in as Levi rested his head on Eren's thigh, falling to the temptations of sleep by the one person who could always let him sleep, whether his insomnia was acting up or not.

It would be okay.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I Found by Amber Lee was what really started me to write this, and it kept me going when I thought my first draft of the outline was suckass, starting with many, many rewrites and different, altered versions of the original, which eventually wound up to be this. I'll list a couple songs that I fell in love with for this fic:
> 
>   
> I Found - Amber Lee   
> Hummingbird - Tut Tut Child   
> We're Not Alone - Virtual Riot   
> This Is What It Feels Like - Armin Van Buuren - W&W Remix   
> Stay With Me - Mendum - Krys Talk Remix   
> Infinity - Niykee Heaton - Illenium Remix   
> Firebird - Galantis   
> Young Again - Hardwell   
> Summer - Calvin Harris   
> Renegades - X Ambassadors   
> No One Knows Who We Are - Kaskade   
> Atmosphere - Kaskade

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ＣＯＷ ⑮ ＡＲＤ  
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Pictures. Words. Memories. Everything flashed in Eren's head, and there was nothing to stop it. He was stuck in a coma-like state, with no hope of waking up on command, so he was stuck watching his childhood replay itself. But the boy who had rescued him all those years ago was replaced by a younger version of Levi. Or did the boy always look like that? Was Eren just dreaming up the raven in hopes that he'll be able to see him again? Or did the boy who rescued him always look like Levi? He had no close guess to what anyone knew.

His father's cold glare as he finally left the house for the final time, and the memories of the ways he was tortured after that. From being thrown down the well to being thrown off a bridge, Eren was just lucky enough that somebody was there to save him each time, although the first time was by the police. But Levi- if he had indeed been the person who saved him when he was a child, would've been the one to save him each time. He saved the boy when he was about to die of the cold, left to starve, and he saved the boy who had been tossed so casually into the water, which easily could've killed him, and he had saved the boy who was dying, sick from everything his father had done to him, and most of all, he saved the boy from himself.

Images of the raven resting on the counter, with a small cup of mint tea in his hand as he whispered something the brunet couldn't hear no matter how much he strained his ears. When he was beginning to make something comprehendible from that which Levi was telling him, another picture would flash, this next one being the same person lying on Eren's bed while they both just talked, and no words were heard, only the melancholy feeling of a glass wall that the boy couldn't push past. He couldn't even remember what they were talking about then, and he couldn't hear Levi's sweet, sweet voice ringing in his ears when he spoke, only silence and a muted sense of the heater. Everything he once had was gone.

The one after that was Levi sitting in the hospital room, light flooding on his beautiful features as he smiled softly at the boy, turning his head to somebody Eren couldn't see. And then the last: Levi was helping the brunet up to a sitting position, and Eren had taken that opportunity to lean in quickly and kiss him. The feeling of that was still so real, and although he couldn't hear anything being said, he could still feel the warm sensation of the first time still lingering on his lips, which had to be a good thing. He could feel the prickling at the contact, and he knew that memory was as real as his own eyes.

They all consisted of Levi, the man he fell in love with, and the man he would continue to love, even if the raven ended up hurting the boy. Nobody else was shown, and then voices returned.

Slurred words from the boy who rescued him at the dead of winter, brining him home on his shoulder, with his coat wrapped around the boy. Someone talking on a broken record, and it felt like he was under a million feet of water, prying into what the person was saying, although he could only hear the mumbles of them. New memories formed in his head, since he hadn't a single memory of when he was first rescued by the boy. The crunching of the raven's footprints on the snow-packed ground, as soft snowflakes fell on the brunet's nose, and voices filled his head- new ones that he had never once heard before.

"Come on, brat. You're okay."

Fading in and out, Eren couldn't make out everything, but he was seeing from the perspective he had when he was only a child running away. A hand was placed on the small of his back, as every step made his frail frame shake. Although he still couldn't move, he could easily feel the same cold on his cheeks as they were dusted pink, and he could feel every drop of snow fall on his nose, eyelashes, and face. It wasn't like this was a dream- it felt way too real to be one, but it had to be. What else would it be? This was what he had gone through when he was a child, and it was just now coming to him that the memories hadn't been stored permanently, although he was seeing the things now, in his dreams.

It actually would've been a blessing if he could've heard the soft breathing of the boy who was carrying him, and the soft crunching of snow under his boots forever, but eventually, that dream too ended when he first tried to speak.

There was no picture of videos, or anything telling him he was still dreaming, but he could definitely hear voices. His own, and Levi's. No one else's. And that was the way it was going to stay, and for as long as he wanted to listen to them. This time, they wouldn't go away.

First, it had been when they were both inside, talking about he ideas of home, and then Levi making small remarks such as telling Eren he was beautiful, and then it filled out with them talking on the phone while Eren had been in the hospital. The first time, that is. Levi laughed through the speaker, and Eren could hear the clarity in everything about the raven so much better than he had that night, and although he couldn't see anything, he knew when he was blushing, and when he was smiling. Levi's smile, too. He could feel it happening, although time seemed suspended on a thin line that if he was to cross, would immediately plummet from the heaven it was standing upon.

So he stayed silent, just falling asleep to the sound of Levi's laughter ringing in his ears. Although he was already asleep.

Heaven never existed in his world, except a small, fallen raven from the depths of both hell and heaven, the glory from both laying their hands on the person he fell in love with. His light, his dark, and the one who managed to save him without fail for many times on end, and the one who stuck with him when he thought nobody would want him when he started college. Levi Ackerman, his downfall, and his savior.

Nobody would've thought that the boy would've fallen for somebody so dangerous, but Mikasa had come to terms with their relationship, although it was at the time when it was plummeting. Plummeting down to the ground, and nobody could do anything about it.

Levi laughed, Levi smiled, and Levi had a sense of humility, for he was human, so what was so wrong about falling in love with another human? Nothing. That was the thing. Although people ridiculed the idea of a man loving another man, it wasn't unusual. Just not socially accepted on a global scale. Maybe it never would, but till that day came, Eren wouldn't let Levi go. He wanted to feel the raven up close again, and feel full from the warmth he gave off at night, so he could finally fall to sleep once more.

But what if Levi didn't want to see him?

***

The raven sat in his car, still and silent. The air whooshing by from the cars on the streets didn't disrupt him in any manner at all, nor did it bother him. This was right after he had left Eren alone, rushing out of the hospital and past the receptionist's desk who was fussing him about not signing out and not being family enough to have any rights to visit the brunet- but she had let him past in the first place, so there wasn't much need to make such a big deal over nothing.

But what did bother him was the small itching at his insides that kept returning since he had first moved out of Eren's dorm room- his room, as well, at the time. Every time he'd go into another panic attack, his head let loose the itches in him, making him feel almost near impossible to heal. It consumed his daily life, from accidentally stepping on a dead moth on the ground, to feeling the hands of somebody else than Eren rubbing against his neck, or shoulder. He ran straight home, or to the bathroom if he was already where he slept, and quickly made sure to clean off the remaining feel of the touches, grime, and dirt, but the itching never went away. It continued to persist until Levi's mind was numb from the constant reminder that he had no more control over the world he lived in, and that he was at a complete loss for what to do next. Although just packing up to leave, to going somewhere more secluded, first drew him in, the idea was dismissed when he realized that it was just him running away like a coward. The coward he was.

The itches went from making him feel at a loss for what to do next, and wanting to tear everything up and yet make sure nothing changed, to wanting to start burying himself in the covers of his bed and refusing to come out, but he managed to see every morning just the way he left it the day before. The itch inside him was something scary, almost as black and upfront as a shadow. It told him that he had no grasp on anything, and that if he continued to go on like this without finding closure, he would eventually find himself going insane- mentally and physically.

This time, as he rested his head on the horn of the steering wheel, letting out a loud beep that nobody seemed to pay much attention to, asking himself why he couldn't think straight.

This was all his fault. Eren's first visit to the hospital, and the one following that, and then now this one was all his fault. He wanted to hear someone say it, instead of masking up the truth with pretty lies of 'It's not your fault.' No more pretending, all he wanted was to hear somebody tell him that he was indeed a monster, and nobody could fix him anymore. The truth could hurt, but it was honest, and he needed that right now, instead of the bull-ass excuses of avoiding it. He needed to know that it wasn't okay, and that his world was falling apart by his own threads. He needed to hear from somebody- anybody- that it wouldn't be okay, since he had no grasp on what to do from here on out.

He already crossed out Eren as that somebody, since he knew that it wasn't true and Eren only wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear. Eren was someone that would be able to make you feel better just by clinging to false words and lies. All lies, but he didn't mind when it was directed at him by the brunet.

But now that boy was dying, and nothing was to stop it unless Eren would be able to wake himself up from the coma-state he was resting in. It might be possible, but then again, it only depended on whether Eren could do it or not, not what the doctors and well-trained nurses could do. All they were capable of was keeping Eren alive as of right now, not after, and not later.

Pain. That's what he felt for the first time since he had run away from his uncle. Pain. Delusional pain running through his body like wildfire, but it soothed the itch that had been digging its hole into Levi's mind. Drunken, bloody pain. His back racked as warm, wet liquid ran down his cheeks, warming his eyelashes as he blinked away the sobbing. It didn't stop, as much as he wanted it to.

Levi Ackerman had no more control over the events which would happen around him, the only choice left to him was his own life. Whether he would chose to keep it or not, he'd make sure to stick around for a bit longer, just in case Eren woke up in time.

The night was cold, shivering to the point where the tears falling from the raven's eyes could possibly be formed into crystals before they hit his lap. But they didn't, since they never ceased to stop for minutes and minutes and minutes on end. During Levi's breakdown, he realized that the only thing he felt was the itch, burning itself into his heart, and his fingernails digging into his thighs as he limped on the wheel of his car. His mind died with the pride he still managed to hold onto. The tears formed just as fast as they fell, and the shaking of his back was uncontrollable. At least Mikasa wasn't here to see him so pathetic, mourning over somebody who was just once a pure, innocent young boy, who held the eyes of oceans, while his mind was chaotic and playful. The boy in the hospital drove him to this point, and this is what he had to blame for it for not trying to stop the itching sooner. Hopelessness felt almost normal by now, and by the time he stopped, his eyes were dead with dry, reddened spots on his dark bags, and his mind was blank as he drove back to the dorms at which he stayed.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to end. Eren wasn't supposed to die, and Levi was almost sure that he wouldn't live after such a dangerous and unsupervised operation. Levi and Eren were supposed to live happily together, and not fight the way they did, although what had been said couldn't be taken back, nor could the actions Levi preformed harshly towards the boy when he wanted to take a grip on his situation when he still had the chance to. Levi wanted only to feel the boy's warmth wrap around him at night once again like it had previously, and to feel the soft breaths of the brunet's inhales and exhales on his neck while he waited for sleep to overcome him. It did at some point, since he had Eren's sturdy yet weary arms around him- although they couldn't physically protect him if need be, they certainly could if he wanted support.

When he unlocked his door, the loud yet silent clicking of the door handle turning, and the key pulling out of the lock's frame, he slid off his shoes, making sure not to wake the already sleeping Petra. She had apparently begun to clean up the mess Levi had made, since all the bottles were put back where they belonged and his bed was made up neatly after he ripped it apart to find clothes.

Her snoring was heard from the opposite side of the room, and Levi set his tired ass on his bed, making sure not to hit the spot that always squeaked when he went too fast. The night was so still, and his eyes were so worn, like jeans that never got proper care for over five years. His lips were so thin and pale now, from sitting in complete shock when he had first entered, and his fingers had grown frailer and more scars were added to them as he had been cleaning and bleaching the floors and tables. It probably wasn't the best idea for his health, but it wasn't an option to skip it. The fact that he relied on the knowledge that he'd eventually die put him at peace. He didn't want to die right now, not yet, but he certainly didn't want to have to put up with much else for much longer, unless Eren's surgery goes as planned and he'll have the brunet to guide him.

He wanted to feel his soft features again in his fingertips once more, although it wouldn't be pleasant for Eren, now that his fingers had been scarred, but he all the more wanted to touch those frail lips in order to restore their original color. He wanted to call his name out and be able to hear his in response. He wanted to be able to tell Eren that he really loved him now, and he knew that.

Please make the pain stop, he ran through his mind, as if it was the lifeline holding him alive still. Seeing that he was this weak and broken to the thoughts of his, it probably was.

The spot under the rug caught him off guard once more when his eyes shut to go to sleep, yet something still lingered in his mind. Something not finished, and a pester that wouldn't go away until he fixed it. There was that itch again, just this time it wasn't as strong, and it didn't put thoughts on his own tongue. It was all in his head, he reminded himself.

Levi would forget about the stain, and go to sleep like he should be doing right now instead of letting the small mark get to him. It didn't work. His coat was thrown on, and a cigarette was tossed in his pocket while he stormed out to the bridge that Eren had been hanging dangerously over once before, but now it was quiet. Nobody was out in the middle of the morning, when the sun hadn't the chance to even rise yet, so nobody would see him light the small item in his fingertips alive, breathing out the smoke that once calmed his nerves when he'd go through this earlier.

He hadn't touched a cigarette since he started his senior year of high school, and since then he hadn't even dreamed of doing it again, but here he was. Eren would tell him that this would be the death of him eventually, but the boy wasn't really here to form those words Levi wanted so badly to hear.

Deep down through the ocean- this time it being replaced by the river that flowed through the underside of the bridge- shone something Levi couldn't touch right now. Eren had shone like the brightest star, yet he belonged in the water just as much as he belonged in the skies. Both, because his eyes were both glittering and waving with the outlines of waves forming on the tops of the waters, from the sunlight beaming down. That's what the ocean should look like- beautiful.

Leaning back on the side of the bridge, he looked at the just rising sun. It shone for miles on end, just like the love he found for Eren. Why the hell was he suddenly making metaphorical juxtapositions for everything he saw around him? No reason at all. Maybe he just missed seeing Eren in the flesh, and also alive and breathing and talking to him.

As he waited the day to pass, the sun to rise, and the moon to set so he could go back to his dorms and finally get some sleep before his first seminar, a somewhat familiar figure came running up to him with an all too familiar bottle clutched in their hand.

The striking blue eyes immediately gave her away. "Annie,"

"Levi," She returned, her mouth still not quite used to saying it so freely when she was building up courage to tell him something. Anything.

But the raven's eyes darted too quickly down to the small bottle she held, and his heart stopped beating for the smallest second, before it had time to pound rapidly like he was about to explode. On the bottle were a couple scratches more than the last time he examined it, and a crumpled piece of paper was balled up in Annie's other hand, which she had put in his hand when he hadn't noticed it.

"This is the bottle of pills that Hanji gave to Eren, right?"

"Yeah,"

"I went through, and was able to decode the scratches to something in English. Have a look. On the bottom of the page is what is written on the bottle."

"It's not just all crazy marks that she had decided to put on?" Levi questioned, but saw the mortally worried face Annie held, and quickly unraveled the paper and went straight to the bottom, making his heart plunge even deeper. It was as if one thing being taken from him wasn't enough, so the world stole two more.

One was betrayal. His eyes scrunched up, as he puzzled over the letters and tried to slap himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming up some shit that would never actually happen. Right? It could never happen, so he had to be dreaming.

On the bottle read something along the lines of _self-destruct_. Eren was taking these. Hanji had given them to him and now he was in the hospital due to Hanji's actions. It wasn't Levi, it was Hanji this whole time. She was the one who put Eren in this spot, and now she ran away like the coward she was. That's all Levi could think, or at least put in his mind in place of those thoughts that did not come to him.

"Are you sure you did this right?"

"Positive. I know it's not what you might need or want to hear right now, but I'm sure I'm correct about this. If I am, then Eren's life is in danger."

Levi's throat held a lump, forcing him to swallow it back down before he was able to speak out in a croaked attempt at keeping still. He didn't want to break apart now, not in front of somebody. Not even somebody who wouldn't tell a soul. His eyes remained still as he glared at something behind Annie's head, the bottle almost breaking from the pressure he was adding ot it subconsciously. "Why would Hanji want to kill Eren?"

The other was Eren's very life, hanging so precariously by a single thread.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks for all the support I've been getting recently. This chapter is focusing mostly on Levi's OCD, so slight trigger warning to anyone who's suffering from this for the long haul. It's been a tough three weeks that I haven't written anything during, I apologize. I wanted to get more out, but then my oneshot took up most of my focus and time, basically pulling me into a short writer block. But I'm back! I hope I haven't neglected this fic for _too_ long, but here's chapter 16, anyway!

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ＭＥＭＯ ⑯ ＲＩＥＳ  
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What he hated the most about himself was the rain streaming down into the gutters and he did nothing. He'd once run outside or perch upon the windowsill as he glanced outside while wearing his winter coat while the window was wide open. If he could have said a word to himself the previous day, it wouldn't come out, now that he knew what would happen. He didn't know the previous hours that he'd be stuck here without the damp mist tickling his face.

Hot, sticky streams of unending liquid ran down his cheekbones. His fingers brushed up to wipe them away, but only smeared them across his cheeks. Until he started to feel the same, familiar tingling sensation down his eyes. It stung. It burned. But he loved it.

There it was: the itching was back. It told him to do something about the blood seeping down his hands. But then he looked down from sitting on the filthy and grimy floor. His chest clenched. His mind whirled. He laughed. All he could do was fucking laugh at a time like this. He was broken, and he was tired, as he told himself soon after. Right now, though, he stared wide-eyed at the red trickling down through his fingertips and under his nails. Then his gaze darted to the ground. There were bottles and cloths spread around, and one still in his hand. He couldn't help it, he really couldn't when he knelt down and succumbed to the pleasure of listening to the voice inside him telling him things he couldn't even hear. They were blurs, but they were right. They were whispering the truth, and nothing but. The itching didn't stop.

Grasping for the bucket of water near him, he bent down in the dark and started to dab at the red patch on the ground. It had been there for too long now, and he hadn't done anything else but to cover it up. How stupid he'd been. His mistake the minute he had walked into the dorm room he shared with Petra and spotted the stain of wine on the rug. It had been flipped over at the time, and despite how many times he repeated to himself that this wouldn't happen again, the itching made it all too comforting to give in.

He rubbed and pressed harder into the ground, more of that warm and annoying water dripping from where his eyes used to be. All he knew before was now the itching, plain and persistent. His fingers rubbed at the same feeling, soft and rough. The rag was clenched into his fist, but his fingers weren't brushing the piece of cloth when he took a daring peek down. The rug was welcoming him to clean. If he hadn't already been too aware of the mess on the ground, he would've gone on and not given a single care about what he was doing. But it stung. It stung so goddamn badly. The more often he ran the back of his hand up to meet where his eyes should've been he only let out more of those annoying tears. He didn't mean to, honestly.

He didn't mean to keep working on desperate attempts to rid the floor of its stain after days of looking at it and twitching himself to sleep in the thoughts of it still residing next to his bed. _Stop. Please, God, stop. Anything. Everything. Stop_. Plain and simple. But it wasn't.

The lights were off, and the pittering of rain outside rang into his ears like a drum. Like his erratic heart, beating so fast it would fall out with any other sudden changes, and then it was so silent for so long that he surely might die if it did not indeed start up again. But, like mentioned, it was erratic. The rain stopped, died down to a slow drizzle, and then picked up, streaming down when the gods from heaven were crying for Levi's lack of self-awareness.

All he could hear was the beating. The steady, thumping beat. Rhythmic screams. Maybe it had been himself making those wretched noises. Or maybe it was the itch inside. Or the rain cascading down. But it had to be the whimpering Levi made when a gust pushed him forward and slammed his chest down on the floor- no, actually millions and millions of miles down below the earth's outer crust. There was something squeezing his abdomen. There had to be something so real that it shoved him out the window and shoved his face into the disgusting outdoor pavement. But when he quickly glanced down, his breath hitching and his eyes widening if he dared go any farther, there was nobody, and nothing. No reasons to why this tugging kept pulling at his heart. No reasons why he couldn't breathe. He just couldn't breathe. It only came out in small, short, and unpredictable heaves, otherwise becoming harder and harder and harder to do every time he let a small fistful of fresh air out. If only he had kept it inside for himself.

It hit him at once. He heard the pounding as if it was outside. He should've left when he still could. He should've left. But now his hands wouldn't stop grasping for something. Anything. Anything at all. Just please, something. Something to reassure him that he wasn't indeed asleep. Something to assure him he wasn't falling. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe it had been his childhood nightmares all over again. If it had been, though, why was he thinking of someone relevant to the present? Why not the past? Why not the small, frail boy he saved from drowning through the clouds of snow piled on top of him? Why not the mornings he woke without having to see his mother smiling in the corner of his eyes? Why _him_ , of all people? The seeping into his pores. The slap of the air hitting his cheeks, exposed and no longer puffing out the beautiful air he stretched for. It all came crashing down on him when he least expected it.

A squeak escaped his lips. More slime touched his eyes. Was he crying again? Why was he crying after the million times he told himself he couldn't? He couldn't cry. He wasn't the weak shell of a boy he once knew all those years ago when he was first born. Shattered and split memories fell from his mind. All he could do was block them out as best as his brain told him he could do. But he could do better. He had before. He had once been able to stop the pouring and rushing, catastrophic feelings and emotions running through his head, and the jackhammer splitting his ears apart. It was breaking, but all he did was try to think. All he needed was to think.

 _There_. There it was. The itch. Sometimes, it set his mind straight, but others, it did _this_. This is what caused his weak, pitiful state to exist. This is what took his sanity all those years ago when he tried to once escape from his uncle's evil hands. It played him. It took him away to places far much better and kinder than this he lurked in. It toyed him with the ideas of being free. Right now, he was being promised Eren back. The ideas of being forgiven. It wasn't true. That hope fades away into darkness. It was consumed by hatred for the itching that gave him the feelings of being so high, before plunging back down so fast. From past experience, caving into the itch only craved it more and more, until his head pounded as it did so now.

Emptiness clouded his mind. He was elsewhere. Somewhere happy and distanced, but he couldn't tell where. Up high. Floating in the skies with the warmth of a hand clutched into his. It was bliss. The itching was gone. The panic had disappeared. The rain had stopped. It was shining sun down on his legs that were now crossed. Was this what heaven felt like? He'd never get any closer to knowing, for the minute he stopped to contemplate on this flawless, parallel world, it came crashing down. His fingers grasped onto the last edges of the cloud before they slipped and a sharp pain was inserted in his head. This is what it felt like to die.

Darkness filled his blurry-eyed vision. He was back in his room, and something was prickling his arms all the way to the fingertips. When he looked, it wasn't panic that surged through him, but something else he couldn't describe. His arms were scratched and bloodied and bruised. He must've been hitting himself against something. Maybe it was his other arm doing it, or maybe he bashed himself against a table. But he was seated in the exact spot he had drifted off in, so that option was crossed off. He felt his right arm, prickling running all the way up as his calloused fingers drifted oh so timidly over, higher as they ventured to the crease in his arm where it bent.

To his dismay, a bubble of air erupted from his lips. What was this? This new form of panic? He could only feel the shifting of his back every split second. Was he laughing? Why was he laughing? It wasn't okay to laugh. He had already told himself that a long time ago, and he already had it implanted into his knowledge. Why was he going against everything he knew right? But then something hit his head and back. It had been the ground. He was lying on the dusty and musty ground. But it felt so good. It felt so good to lean back and heave his arms over his chest as he let out something he defined as a laugh in all hysteria. But he had nothing to grip onto. Hugging himself, he rolled around, his gaze pausing when it met the phone lying doormat on the ground.

 _He was fine_. The world wasn't falling down on him anymore, right? No. No, it still was. The damp and musty and wet air crushed him. He couldn't even move on the ground. Why was he bothering to reach out and grab the piece of metal on the ground when he didn't even know who to call? _This was nice_. The suffocation that he had finally adapted to. He could stay here forever and ever, as long as this atmosphere stayed the same. Just the constant rumbling from his chest and the even pressure enveloping him in the dream state he feared. But nothing was a care anymore at this point. Why would it be? He was comfortable right here and now, so why did things have to change? Why should he get up and clean himself before he was driven completely insane? He could fall asleep here and not give another care, but then a image skidded through his mind. He didn't want it there, since he had only begun to forget the face.

The features were blurred, but he could easily tell it was Eren. The boy had been abandoned far too many times, and here he was, leaving him alone, just as it had been a while ago. In the soft snow, the blanketing cold covering them as they both walked to where Eren's home was. He left him there, not aware that he was near death already. Levi was such a damn idiot. The smile was smudged, and the lips he kissed were paler and cracked, but they all looked the same. Nothing changed. And that's all he clung to. It helped, oh so slightly.

He clung to that memory as if it was his lifeline- and in this case, it pretty much was. He clung to it as if he wasn't ever going to see the brunet again, and maybe that was indeed the situation. But for now, he had something firm to grip onto as he fell and fell from his cloud floating away. This was good.

The fireplace roaring to life was good. All was fine. He would be okay, perched high as he clutched onto the only thing keeping him like this. In this state of mind. He no longer felt the bubbling from his mouth, so he presumed the laughter had died off. The crackling of the embers breaking was good. The warmth soaking him up was good. The suffocating death hold around his neck and chest were certainly still there, but it didn't matter. He was fine. This was fine. He'd be fine.

But this was not the life he lived anymore. He didn't wander about, looking for his only sister lost out there in the great big world, now that he found her- although he'd never admit to care about Mikasa, but he did. _She_ didn't even know he was her brother. He didn't hide in the corner of his room when he felt a surge of something wave up on his back. That was his old past. He let go of it, for sure. But them why was it all so fucking suffocating? It killed. It pained him. It squeezed him so hard he thought he might burst. But he could hold steady for a few more days, at least. He could forget about his past to move on. It was just that simple, really.

Lies. All lies pouring into his head. Something slapped his head. Something clawed at his arms and legs. Something punched him in the gut. Maybe it was himself. Maybe somebody had entered the dark room and fixed him upright again, since when he opened his eyes to see, he was indeed sitting right on his ass, leaning against the back of the bed, and his mind was stilled. This was good. Great, actually. Over the years, when he was a kid, at least, he'd just pray and hope that things would get better faster, although they never seemed to. Until now.

Maybe it had been an hour, or even three or four. But the sinking feeling inside of him and the hollowed out stomach forced him to close his steady eyes, his heart not racing inside his chest any longer. _This was good_. He could take this unwritten part of his life, as long as it never ended and it kept going and going and going until he closed his eyes one last time. He couldn't help himself from doing it; he promised. But his hands fell to his sides and he breathed steadily out, eyelids drooping down, then squeezing shut. Maybe it was a lie, but this heavy feeling on his chest was new. It wasn't pressing too hard, and it wasn't distracting him. Was this what sleep was? He didn't know, it had been so long since he last caught a blink of sleep. But here it was. It welcomed him in, and he gratefully accepted. This was good.

***

Tap. Tapping. Tapping on the steering wheel as Mikasa seated herself in the passenger seat, a familiar blond driving. The rain splattered on the windshield as she looked out. There was nothing. Only the blurred lines of Monday. A smear on the calendar. Monday.

They were somewhere on the highway. She didn't even know where. Armin had snatched her up the minute she left the hospital room. Told her something important about Eren, but he couldn't tell her. So, they sat here. Waiting. Waiting for the other to strike up a conversation in this deathly shallow car. The air seemed to spike when they jumped from a bump in the road, or one of them sneezed or blinked. So fragile, it seemed.

But time lasted a lifetime.

"Where are you taking me?"

"To someplace we can talk and won't be interrupted."

"When did you even come back from England?"

"The minute this became an issue."

"Why can't you just tell me now? Instead of driving thirty miles?"

"Because," Armin mused, holding his breath while turning sharply enough that both were sent flying to the side of the car. He cursed at the driver who had been careless enough to be driving on the wrong side of the road, but brushed it off eventually. "There's only one person who can really answer those questions. They took a road trip, you could say."

"So... We're meeting them instead of having them come to us?"

"Basically."

"Tell me who, please."

"You'll find out soon enough."

"Fine." She said, as she spat out the window. Armin wasn't ever around enough. She had lost her appreciation she held for the guy, honestly. It might've been the minute he left for England without saying goodbye to his best friend, still stuck here alone. Maybe it was when he came back. Eren was still mad at him, despite what he might say or how he'd act. The boy just wanted to get his friend back, although Armin had grown distant. A scholar now in college. Almost graduating at the top of his year. It still wasn't fair, despite any pleasing or begging he might do to change her mind, that he was able to run off and leave somebody behind when everyone else was already pitching in their all. Even Levi had been there more than Armin.

 But then the blond rounded another corner, and she'd say later that she saw the universe in one world. Although she never enjoyed one bit of the little 'road trip' they took after that. There was no pavement, but smooth, gritted stones on the ground, clearing a narrow path for his car to drive through, leading into a massive lake. The willow trees mourned, dipping and fraying as they went. The wind tousled everything. Her hair when she stepped out and looked around. His hair as he guided her to some trees farther back.

Then there was silence. Deathly and striking silence. But she didn't mind, because the clicking that came after her told her that she was not about to be murdered. Since there was Levi, his hands in his coat pockets and his face pale. Paler and more sleep-deprived than usual. He was the one who ran away, obviously. She already guessed that far ahead. But why?

"Hey, Mikasa. It's good to see you again."

"Back at you. Why am I here? Why are _you_ here?"

"Good question." He seemed to whip out a lighter and a cigarette quicker than she had time to recognize it. "It's about Eren. I don't know if Armin already told you."

"He said nothing."

"Good." He looked towards his sister, his gaze lingering before breaking away and breathing in the smoke. "I got a phone call this morning. When you were already out of the hospital."

"Go on..."

"...You won't like what I have to say."

"When do I ever?" She retorted, laughing and crossing her hands over each other. It was cold out, sure. Freezing maybe, but then he spoke. Then the world burned aflame.

"Eren's gone missing. This afternoon. The nurse came in to check up on him and he wasn't there. Nobody came to pick him up, only gone."

"But he can't be gone. He's not gone, right? You're joking?"

He stayed silent. She glared. But then he was embraced in a hug all too tight for his liking and almost died of short breath and shock then and there. "I'm sorry. I can't wrap my head around it, either. That's why I'm doing something about it."

"Hm?" She withdrew, letting the male breathe.

"I'm going to go find him. Don't know how long it might take me, but I'll get him back. Whether he wants to see my ugly face again or not."

"I'm coming-"

"No. This is for me to do, only. I can't let you risk your life-"

"Then why are you risking your own?"

"...Because," He looked down at his feet. His hair fell over his eyes and she regretted ever asking him. "I'm useless to him now. You aren't. You still have his love. He still cares about you, and would miss you if you got hurt or even died. He could never forgive you, but for me? He doesn't care. I'll be gone soon, and he won't miss me. But that's fine. As long as he comes back safely. So, please, Mikasa, don't risk your life for him. And me, if that even ran your mind."

"Of course he loves you. You couldn't even begin to imagine how many times he told me that you stopped loving him. It was him that thought you gave up, not the other way around-"

"Then I'm not giving up this time. I'll save him, for sure. Alone."

"You can't go ahead and do this alone. Your uncle. His father. If you happen to meet one of them then you'll need somebody else."

"But I can't risk someone else's life for my own sake."

"Yes. You can risk mine. That's why you called me out here, right? Otherwise you could've told me this over the phone."

"No. Please don't come. I wanted to see you in person for a last time, just in case. Don't tell yourself to risk your own life. You deserve yours. I don't. That's why I'm leaving on my own, and I don't want you to follow me, no matter what. Okay?"

"...Fine. Please be safe, Levi Ackerman. And if this is the last time anyone sees you, I'll make sure you're remembered somehow."

"I want to be forgotten."

"No. Nobody's going to forget you."

"Whatever. Goodbye." She said something. She said something else to him but it was already too late. He was gone, and he had vanished.

There was a cracking of stones on the ground, but she really stayed put and didn't follow them. Except, she did turn to Armin. "We're getting Eren back. Go home and back up your clothes."

"Okay. I knew you'd do something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I ended up rewriting this chapter about twenty times, all in different ways because I'm exploring deep POV aka: Show vs Tell. And gosh it huts me brain. Please leave some comments! Tell me about your day or whatnot.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have time to edit this, so please don't yell at me. You're free to point out mistakes, though. So! I hope you like this, and I apologize for the ass-long wait. Writer's block, refusal to edit... You know. But it feels great to be back! Feel free to leave comments, questions, or complaints, as long as they're sensible.

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They were all the victims. _He_ was the victim. But Levi didn't know that. All he knew was the road. The endless, empty, glorious road. And yes, Mikasa was following him, although he didn't expect her to go this far out. Now, they were a good ten hours away from the college, and he had received permission from Erwin to go absent for a year. He could always finish his senior year later, even though he met Eren in Junior, which he found hilarious. He had dropped out, yet still lived in the dorms. He was a coward, too.

The music played in the background, something by Coldplay. He was tapping his fingers to the subtle beat, and watched as a car whizzed behind him, and then it had gone by. A black sports car. It wasn't relevant at all, but he noticed each and every car that went by. He was going fast- or at least what he could get away with from already being pulled over once, but they were going even faster. Maybe it had been his imagination. Maybe the cars weren't even there to start with.

But, with his leave of absence and photo book with him, and a couple CDs and cassettes from when he was a child, he left the only place he knew as home.  No, Eren was home. He was finding Eren, the sunshine in his life. He actually barely remembered him now. His smile had faded, and his goofy smile had disappeared. The twinkling in his eyes weren't so bright anymore, and the laugh he heard when they had first met only sounded like a scratching at the door. He couldn't remember the brunet, except the only thing he could repeat over and over and over again in his head. He loved him. That's all he knew, other than the boy was beautiful no matter how much of him he forgot, and his summer would always last a lifetime. No winter. No icy roads. No painful snowstorms. That's all he knew. But, with that information, he was able to go out on the road like this and search for him. He needed him back. That's all he knew as he drove mindlessly on the open highway near the coast.

What had he fallen in love with? Was it the small, dimply smile or the way he talked to Levi like there wasn't ever another person in the world? The smell of honey on his lips? Or how he tried his best at all times to be equal to Levi, and he always made it so? Why had he fallen in love with Eren?

The roads took him anywhere he wanted to go. Eren wanted to be free like this, but he was always chained down to that god stiffening chair. Levi wanted to give him something better, anything. His undying love, trust, and support, maybe. But that was harder than he thought. Giving up the wall of protection was the first step. Was he ready for that already? He just wanted Eren back.

Another vehicle sped by him. And another. Then trees around him as the lanes merged. This was good. A vast ocean spread out to one side, and the forested woods on the other. Eren would've loved to come here with him, and just spread out in the seat while talking day and night to Levi. That's what he needed. He needed to hear that voice again. It had been more beautiful than he ever could've thought. Back then, there was nothing to worry about. What had changed so drastically?

Maybe everything. Maybe only one thing. Levi couldn't tell. Eren was gone, for one. He had abandoned him with the hopes Mikasa could forgive him- which luckily she did, eventually. he had given up hope on returning the feelings to Eren at the point he switched dorms. But then what was his stupidest mistake? Probably him being such a jerk and trying to tell Eren that he couldn't go around poisoning himself. But he had only been protecting him, right? The pills had turned out to be bad, and a death wish. Why had Hanji done that? He couldn't put the blame all on her, though. He was at fault here, as well. Just as much as Hanji and Petra and Mikasa and Armin and Eren's and his own father were. But he couldn't do much about that anymore.

Eren was in his second year now, and he missed all those precious years of him still being a freshman. He couldn't simply get those wasted hours back. He hadn't actually thought much about it when he was in Germany. Too many things were going on at once then.

The whole trip had been a huge, messy blur. Images and memories that he couldn't find access to. That's what his trip entailed. A wasted year of nothing to bear fruit of. He could now proudly say that he accomplished nothing in a year of being hundreds of miles away from the only person he held closest. It had only been a waste. Except, he did meet Eren's father. He knew what he looked like, his voice, his manner of speaking. Everything there was to know, except where he lived, his whereabouts, and how he already knew Eren should've been sick. He had said that Eren was having a late reaction to something. That the sickness should've started sooner than it already had.

It was near time he stopped and pulled over to the nearest motel to sleep and then find the nearest and most disgusting fast food place. Or he could trash a couple bucks and buy himself a real meal- no, he didn't even have a lot to start off with. So, on the next highway ramp, he turned off and made sure to not loose the car behind him that he was aware was Mikasa. Of course she wouldn't just leave it up to him. There were signs everywhere, pointing him to a place he could get a cheap rent. He didn't even know where he was anymore. Levi took off that morning, and now, almost sunset, he had gone everywhere he thought to go and stopped in stores to ask if they had ever seen a boy in a wheelchair. The answer, every time, was always no.

His surroundings weren't _too_ deserted, although he was quite aware it wasn't anything like where he had come from.

When he parked himself into the most cramped and farthest possible spot, he slammed the door promptly before walking over to the office to rent a room to get a key.

This might not have been the _cleanest_ or most sanitary option, but a hotel cost a hell of a lot more, so this would have to do.

But then he saw the manager- or whatever the people operating the front desks were called that also semi-owned the place. He was scruff and looked like he hadn't taken a proper shower for more than a week. He also smelled of something worse than sweat and dirt combined. "Do you have any vacancies?"

"Yeah, I do. Do you have any money?" Levi nodded, reaching for his wallet and pulling out a few twenties.

"How much?"

"Thirty big ones."

"Here," He places the even amount on the counter, and the man grabbed at it and he couldn't help but squeeze his arm when he saw how his flabby hands flailed to get the cash and then how he shoved it into his shirt pocket. It looked sweaty and gross, and probably was fatter than a rich man's wallet. But he could push that aside for now, and focus on getting inside his most likely smoked filled room and get away from the man who smelled like onions and eggs that had spoiled two months ago.

"You're room 31; the key's here." And Levi actually had to reach out and grab the dangling piece of metal from his sweaty, grubby fingers. It hurt to think about, so he quickly snatched them and ran out, not caring to thank him.

As soon as he was outside, the instant non-smell caught him off-guard. This was good. Fresh air seemed like something Levi had never experienced before and he didn't care. The office gave off odors that made him think the guy hadn't cleaned the place once, or flushed the toilet when he was taking a shit ever, and he never bothered to take a shower since he was five. Or maybe that was the case. He could've sat around the whole day, nose-blind to how awful he was smelling and thought that anyone who passed by was gross and smelled too clean and normal.

Thinking of bringing the key back filled him with pain. Wait- did he really have to? Maybe there was some type of drop off box, instead of going inside there again. Of course, when he looked back to check, there wasn't. Only a small, battered flyer of unstable office hours. Just what Levi expected.

But, there was a letter box outside room 31, and a small rug to wipe your feet. He would wait until he saw Mikasa's car either pulling up to the spindling driveway or park nearest the exit so Levi wouldn't see her- although he already knew she was here. She hadn't exactly been subtle about it, that's for sure.

Nearing the entrance, he pulled off his shoes and put them inside, just left to the door. His key had already been abandoned to the countertop inside he presumed would work exceptionally poor for dining upon and then reading through some books he'd brought along. The must hit his nose immediately, though. It surprised him the room didn't smell awfully like cigars and butt. It was just... Old. Really, stinking old. Old like it hadn't even been cleaned or touched for a century. Maybe even more than that. But Levi changed out of his clothes and put on a white tunic and made himself comfortable on the springy, hardened bed. This wasn't comfortable in the least. But he'd find a way to deal.

Maybe it would've been better with Eren by his side, curled up in the same bed as there was no extra cot that came with the room- of course, unless he felt like coughing out some twenty bucks for a rental that others have sat their ugly asses upon for hours and most likely farted their way through sleep. No, that certainly wouldn't be happening. Eren was gone, to add to his problems. That's why he was here. That's why he left college to abandon his degree for. A simple boy he fell in love with and never would get back. But wouldn't it be worth the joy on Mikasa's and Armin's face when he came back home? Maybe not right by his side like they had promised a year ago, and maybe not softly embraced with a hand wrapped around his arm like Levi wished to do, but he would come home. And then Levi could die. Levi would finally be free and let the boy go once again. Eren didn't want him to stay, so why would he only hold the brunet down from his own selfish thoughts? It didn't make sense if Eren had already lost interest in him.

Although he never really asked or was told that Eren hated him. They just had a fight. It was just a fight, and Eren could still forgive him. _That's_ when he could move on. Not when they got home. When he was forgiven by the stubborn ass brat that he called a lover for so long. It was lies straight up in his fucking face, and he never caught on. He didn't even remember anymore if Eren ever said he hated him. Maybe he had. Maybe he hadn't. But that's what he could hear. All he could hear was the echoing of voices stilled in his head, screaming at him and telling him he was worthless and a coward. He was a coward. He never deserved Eren, nor did Eren ever stoop so low as to love someone as broken as Levi.

Flopping his back down on the springy and stiff- much stiffer than he first assessed- bed, Levi closed his eyes as a breath flew from his mouth. It was cold. Very cold, and no heater kicking on while Levi shivered under his skin. This was too much. Eren was gone. He had never really ever been his. His to hold, his to kiss, his to admire from a distance. Eren had never been his, and he didn't even know why he had fallen in love with such a brat, but he had. A stroke of luck, maybe. Maybe it had been fated and now everything they worked for had been screwed up because of Levi's actions. He had left. And he had abandoned somebody who never should've been abandoned. He had been scared, yet he never did anything more than running away. He should've told Eren he loved him before this day, and he should've been more energetic to keep him by his side, although there was no more reason as to why.

An idiot in disguise. That's all he had been.

His hand jerked, and his legs closed up near his chest. Lying on the bed that would kill him was okay. This was okay. He was okay. He could be okay without Eren. He never even needed anyone, right? He didn't need somebody to cry on that wouldn't tell him he was weak and stupid and hopeless. Defenseless. He was just defenseless without anyone to tell him he was strong and to wrap laces around his arms and tie their arms together forever. He wasted so much time thinking he was doing the right thing, when indeed, he was only killing the precious life he knew so far. And then the bubbling came again. It wasn't laughter.

He couldn't laugh like this. He wasn't laughing, because he felt the cold trickling down his face. He wiped upwards, almost missing as he tried to see again. It was so cold here. The warm liquid was cold now, and he couldn't do much about that.

Stillness sank into the deepest part of him that it could find. He held back his back racking and jumping at every creak on the bed. He held the urge to punch himself back. He needed to stop crying. He needed to stop thinking about Eren. But he had come here for the very reason to save Eren, so why did he have to forget? Why forget somebody so dear and important when he could've stopped everything and gone to come back from Germany a year ago instead of staying there like a wimp?

Everything was cold. He jerked, and a prickling ran up his arms and legs. He shivered. His eyes squeezed tightly shut, and he wrapped his arms around his legs. His face buried into his legs, and the cold began to break into his thick wall. All these years his stone barrier had been being penetrated, broken down and torn apart. He was defenseless now, and a weak and pathetic soul. Nothing was warm here. He was so cold.

***

It was dark inside here. It was cold. But Levi didn't ever once feel the warmth in his sleep. Did he? Maybe a while ago, he had. Maybe he had been able to experience this euphoric feeling with Eren at some point. Or with his sister. Or brother. His best friends. Why did everyone either end up leaving him or he ran away? He ran away from three people, and he was too late for two. Would Eren forgive him? Would he run away at the sight of his wretched face?

His sister had been ripped away from him, and so had his brother. When Eren had been around, he hadn't said a word to him, in case he'd be a sulking mess for the time. It helped, slightly. There was a slight thumping outside, and he could feel the rain beating down onto his arms and legs as he stretched out on the bed. To be completely honest, the mattress wasn't total shit as he thought it would be. His back hurt, and his legs were cramped, but other than that, the night had been fine. He had been fine, thinking about Eren every single second before his eyes finally closed and his mind decided to shut off.

When it came time to leave, he trudged out of his awful bed and grabbed a pair of jeans, pulling on his shoes and sterilizing the key. The office wasn't closed- luckily, and he was able to slip inside. The sudden change from not-so-slightly musty air to the smoke filled room was so quick Levi might've fainted there from shock. But he scrunched up his nose, stifling his senses as he walked closer to the fat man staring him down while laying like the lazy pig he was on his chair. The chair wasn't so lucky to have to handle that sloppy ass everyday for hours on end.

"I'm leaving."

"Did you clean up everythin'?"

"Hell yes. Better than it was before I came around." The old man wrinkled his eyebrows together, and folded his arms over each other.

"Too bad you can't appreciate a little friendly host like me,"

"Maybe you should clean up better for yourself. You smell like shit."

"Excuse me?" He said, but his voice sounded like a muffled donkey's ass. "Please tell me you're joking."

"Why would I be? I'm leaving in a few minutes, so I don't care if you'll smell that way forever. I'm not coming back, by the way."

"Shut the fu- anyway, a man came in to drop off a letter to you." The pig outstretched his grubby, fleshy hands, with a crinkled piece of paper inside his forefinger and middle. Levi took it, shoving it into his back pocket.

"Thanks. I'll be off."

"Please do come back! Tell your friends about it-!"

"Fat chance." And, with that, he stormed outside, letting the door slam behind him.

When he was leaning on the office building, he took out the letter. It was already too late, though. It was from the person he knew all too well, and he already had guessed as much without even seeing as much as the stamp holding the pieces of paper together. Fragile as he was, his fingers ghosted over the top, and folded open the white sheet inside the envelope. _21 Highway North_. From Kenny fucking Ackerman. that was all he had to say after all these years of not being in any existence. Levi had left him, and he had gotten rid of him, but now hew was back without any explanation as to why. Why did he want back the child he never wanted? Levi never was taken proper care of when he had been under the roof of that idiot. Levi had been neglected, so why was he coming back to bite him in the heel?

 _It was Eren_. Oh shit, it had to be Eren. This was him. Kenny was the one who had snatched up Eren from the hospital. Eren was replaying the life Levi had to literally run away in the middle of the night from. And now he was being pulled back in because of the stubborn brat he fell for. He fell all too hard. This was his fault.

Why had he even left for Germany in the first place when he could've lived the perfectly fine life he already had? Why hadn't he stayed for Eren? The bright-eyed brat that he still couldn't understand how he got inside his head so bad. The bright-eyed brat that smiled under the sunlight and wanted to dance and take Levi to someplace he'd never been. _Maybe the ocean_. Eren had once told him he wanted to see the ocean. Eren had once loved him. Eren had once trusted him, and Eren had once been his. All broken and shattered and killed because of Levi. This was his fault. It was all his fault.

And then he couldn't breathe. The iron weight on his chest was back. The suffocating, death-like hold on his neck had returned, and he couldn't do anything more about it than stare at the ground. The ground approached him until he felt something hit his knees. Maybe it had been the ground. Maybe he was lying on the pavement, hunched over pathetically. But he couldn't breathe. No matter how hard he heard himself gasp and reach for another breath of air, all he took in was the scent of musty and smoke-filled rooms, of his childhood's acid smelling oxygen. There were whimpers, and then heaves of something. He was pulling on a weight with all his might. At least that's what it sounded like.

His eyes were opened. Levi saw the pavement, but couldn't touch it. Couldn't simply reach out and touch it. He was weak, pathetic, and a horrible excuse of a human being. Kenny had told him that he was that way because he had lost his mother and he was guilty for it. Because he held all that guilt for killing her. He hadn't actually killed her, right? She had died because of Kenny's pressuring and insistent ways of persuading her to get him the things he wanted. She hadn't died because of him. She had overdone it on the pills that night and hadn't woken up that morning. That was how it went. It hadn't been his fault.

But this was.

He was to blame, and only him. He was being crushed to the floor. He deserved every chocking sob of it. It was his fault that Eren had lost his faith and trust in him, and that he never once did anything more than a few quick kisses and a few quick hugs to tell him how much he loved the brat. He never loved him then; it was only mutual affection. He never once stayed longer than a second to stay by the boy's side, and here he was, chasing after him himself. Eren was gone, and it was his fault. It was his fault for everything. What had changed? What had changed him so drastically that he was willing enough to toss Eren and all his friends aside in hopes to please himself? He was a coward, and nothing but. Eren could yell at him for being such a goddamn idiot and fake, and he wouldn't mind. Eren could tell him over and over and over again that he no longer loved him or trusted him or even in the least liked him. Eren could tell him that he hated every bit of him, and he be fine with that. This was Eren, the broken and fragile boy he had destroyed himself. Selfishness had been the key factor of it.

The destruction of Eren Jaeger was all on him.

He had wanted someone to keep, someone to hold onto and not have to let go, so their relationship was too abrupt and ended all too quickly. Maybe it had ended the minute he left on the plane, paid for by Mikasa, or when they first fought. Or before that. It had ended before either of them even had time to confess. Eren hated him, he did. But that was fine.

It was his own fault to shoulder, and nobody else's. Not even Hanji, who had sabotaged Eren in some way. She had given him the pills to kill himself, as he knew it, _self destruct_ , and had told him that it would heal him. It was death in a bottle, yet he had let it slip his mind that Hanji would do something like that to his best friend. No, they were never friends. Eren had hated him since the day they met. Levi was the weak one, falling and tripping head over heels for somebody he was only going to destroy. He didn't mean to, honestly. He never mean to kill anything between the two, although somehow, he managed to do so anyway. He never mean to hurt anyone. He only denied the fact that he had been so selfish and stupid then. He didn't even look back once to see how hard Eren struggled to keep up with him. Or maybe it was the other way around. He didn't even care anymore. Everything was just a big blur in his memories. Nothing really mattered- only the matter at hand: find Eren and bring him back to Mikasa safe and sound. He denied himself of the love he had once had a great grasp of control over. The love he now found unsteady. It toppled and wobbled on its last leg. And then it fell as it came crashing down to the floor.

That's all he really remembered of the past year. It had just been a big splotch of blood and tears.

He was cold. Shivering as wet, sloppy drops of rain fell on his head and arms. His hair stuck to his forehead. Good. He deserved this. Eren would've told him now that this wasn't his fault. _But it was_. This was all his fault. Eren had been nobodies, and he knew that from the day he was kissed. He never felt that way about anyone before, though. The tingling on his lips and the closed, ocean-eyes right in front of him still was as picture-perfect as his nights he looked up at the skies when he was only a child. It had been so glorious. He had once been free. Chains locked around his wrists let themselves apart and unravel for him. Eren was his summer, yet he let it go from his fingertips. Levi had been so fucking close to finding out that he found something real for once. Petra might have been a mistake, but Eren certainly hadn't. The only mistake he had made with the bright-eyed boy was letting him go. For running away. He never came back.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem, so I'm sick- again. I'm hoping it's just a mild cold, although I'm doubting that. But! Less time for me to write, and more schoolwork that I'm failing at either way, so xD. New chapter! Comment and share your opinions.

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There was all shuddering and shivering and the painful cries as Eren stilled himself. Blackness and darkness and fear. Taunting him. Laughing at him. Yelling at him.

Something was folded over his eyes. It was scratchy and rough, dark and thick. He couldn't move. Maybe it was shock, or the fact that he was paralyzed and never was able to move since the day he was born. His father had disregarded him for that very reason, and he had met Levi because of that. A soft, warm breath hovered over his ear, laughing quietly. Darkness. Quiet. Nothing was very visible and everything he got a peek of quickly turned to black. Blackness.

Then somebody muttered something near him, and the ground became tipsy and spun around and around on him. Was this death? Near death? That thing where people see themselves through a movie screen and watch themselves as they're judged? Was this it? But he couldn't see, so that wasn't possible, right? Then something was thrown across the room, echoing off the walls. He saw nothing. He heard everything and felt nothing. He couldn't move. These legs of his were useless since the day he was born. So were the arms and body he had. He never once had some type of sufficient use for this piece of flesh that now let him fall. It let him drop to the end of the earth as he sat around on the cold, hard ground doing nothing.

Piercing shrieks, followed by the scream of a young man, echoing in his chest. What was he doing here? Who was this person that was thrown across the room? Was he really being thrown, or was that his crazy sanity leaving him? Something burned and tore at him. It was like knife was being jabbed into his throat and scratching out his insides. Then the loud wailing stopped. Was it him? Was it himself making all those wretched noises? That didn't matter, because every time he heard it, there was another kick or gut-wrenching noise. Not to him. No, certainly not to him. He was fine- maybe a little bit hungry and tired, but he was fine. Never had he even been approached or touched. There was going to be something coming towards him soon, but not right now. A gushing sound and a rippled grunt and some muffled cries filled and surrounded him. There were two voices.

When he went to talk, only the air ran out. His mouth was dry and cracked, and he couldn't open it to scream and tell the voice to stop. His jaw cracked, and his teeth were sore. He couldn't prop himself upright, and he couldn't taste anything as something warm came out. Rushing out and he didn't even bring himself to care. There were only two voices arguing. Both fighting about... Marshmallows? Certainly one odd conversation.

"...Stop, please stop." Eren curled his eyes shut, although he already was blindfolded. It didn't matter. Another wave of nausea ran over him, and he tried his best to cover it up. Really, he did. But the voices stilled, and he was alone again. Something else gushed out of his mouth, tasting dried and acidy. He'd thrown up before, but it shouldn't have felt like this. Shouldn't have tasted like this. No, this was different. Was he poisoned? Was blood coming out? Was he actually throwing up, or was he just sick? No, he wasn't spewing blood. At least not from what it tasted like. Only acid. But the voices had stopped. They were looking at him, for sure. The pressure of the eyes digging holes into his sides was what gave it off. At least that's the closest he could get to saying they were looking at him. He was blindfolded, for God's sake.

"I see our pretty boy has finally arrived." A sweet, smooth voice rang through the room. This wasn't familiar. It shouldn't be, though. Eren had never once in his lifetime heard it, and he shouldn't have. "Isn't that right?"

A muffled groan as a response. Then clicking. The clicking came closer and closer to his face. Someone was whispering into his ear. "Shall we try to break him?" The voice seemed to be waiting for a response.

"Don't you fucking lay a hand on him." Levi? Was Levi here, talking to somebody that almost ignored him? Was that Levi, or was this the delusional state somebody's mind becomes when they are tired and hungry and just fucking miss somebody? When you see that person's face wherever you look?

"Oh? And why's that?"

"Because I've already made a deal with you, remember? Or did your old, wrinkled mind already forget?" This wasn't Levi's voice. Of course not; he was being silly.

The first voice chuckled. "I see. I guess I'll be able to break you in his place, then?"

"I already said that this was the deal. Go ahead," The voice paused. Its owner came closer to Eren. "Let him see what's happening."

"But if he does, he'll surely report me."

"That's not the worst thing that could happen, you know. Just let him see."

"Fine. Take off the blindfold." Shuffling and moving around him. There was something so close to him it was like a breath. But it couldn't be. It wasn't exhaling or inhaling like a breath would, so what was it? A hand? A hand tracing his face and slowly pulling off the blindfold? Yeah, but whose hand? Why was it being so careful and sweet? This was almost normal. Why was it that this had happened to him before? Why did this feel familiar?

"There, he'll see soon. He'll see soon how you've betrayed him and tricked him." The first voice said.

"It's not me, but you who's the upper-handed bastard."

And then light flooded his vision. All there was to see was the brightness of when you come out of the dark movie theatre and your eyes still can't adjust. Blinding stadium lights and must filled his senses. Eren caught sight of the second voice, far, far away. The body the voice belonged to was looking at him, his right arm already dripping with blood. Or was it the scar that placed itself upon his chin that bothered him? That caught his breath before he was able to blink? He was still on the ground. The man stared so passively at him. Why was the haircut the same as he knew? Why were the eyes he stared into gray and calm? Why was there a man loading a gun next to him?

"L-Levi? What are you doing here?"

"Could ask you the same. I came looking for you." He was so close, and Eren had let him go. He couldn't do the same thing this time around. Levi couldn't be hurt again. His eyes darted over to the man, and Eren followed his gaze.

And then a blur. Everything became a huge, giant blur. Levi was here, there, flipping around and kicking the man who didn't even get a chance to grab his loaded gun. Levi flung his leg at the man's neck, outstretching out an arm, followed by a second, to his gut. Since when did Levi know how to fight? Or maybe this was how he always was? He had mentioned something about running away from home when he was younger, and then coming to the place he still lived.

A knife was placed firmly in Levi's hands, as he pressed it to the tip of the man's neck. But never did he even once flinch when Levi began to press closer and closer and farther into the flesh. A hand reached for the gun, although Levi was quick enough to see it. Eren was barely even able to make out what happened next. It was all one confusing blur.

Levi kicked a few times, and he pinned the man down. But the man was able to maneuver around just right so the gun was cocked at his chest. Levi continued to hold him down, although Eren was looking straight at the direct line of fire. The gun was pointing to Levi's heart. _Don't shoot_. Not yet. The male was quick enough to move, though. He ducked and rolled backwards, his legs shooting up. The man was kicked in the gut, and a punch to the face. But then there was that gunshot. That awful, fear-ridden gunshot, echoing through the whole room. Almost like a cellar when some kids play hide and seek.

Everything was black.

***

What might've been only a few minutes later, light pooled Eren's eyes- despite them being closed tight. He groaned, and then forced his eyes to open.

He was met with the most beautiful gray, sleek eyes he ever once laid eyes on. They blinked, and he attempted a smile; he really did try. But his lack of facial control had him withering back to where it was safe to not show any emotion. Levi did smile, though. He could smile just like Eren should have been able to do. He shouldn't be happy, especially now.

But Levi's hand drifted to his face, cupping it while his thumb played with the tufts of hair near his ear. "Good morning."

"Has it already been a day I was out?" Levi nodded, as some air left his lips.

"I promised myself I'd hang on until you were able to wake up."

Eren's eyes flickered down, and upon seeing Levi grasping his side and the warm, red tint to the liquid seeping out, he quickly looked away. There wasn't any possible way Levi could die. Not now, after so much. Had he really been shot? That was a dream Eren had been foolish enough to think up, right? He couldn't have been actually shot, after all? No- but the pathetic smile Levi held confirmed everything. No, he was going to be fine. He had to be fine.

"Mmm, of course." Did he say that out loud? Levi's head started to tilt while he grunted. Then the hand left his face, but there was no blood soaking it. No, there wasn't any blood on Eren's face. There was only the puddle pooling around his waist and soaking into Eren's shirt.

"I'll stay a few more minutes."

"You've got to promise me you'll stay. You can't just die on me, okay?"

Levi looked at him, but didn't blink. Then there was that smile Eren had felt through that lonely night on the phone with him. Why couldn't life be the same? The way it was; filled with friends and when he first made some friends, and then was able to talk to Levi like there wasn't ever a tomorrow. But now, imagining talking to the raven through the phone seemed impossible. They couldn't be together if Levi was mad at him and was going to die that way.

"I thought I'd never see you again."

"But hey, I was here, thinking you were mad at me." Eren heard a soft chuckle as Levi spoke.

"I _was-_ at the time. I'm not anymore."

"I'm pathetic- leaving you so quickly and not putting up m-much of a fight." A groan slipped through the raven's mouth again, and Eren would've straight up paid his whole life to move his arm out and hold Levi in his arms tight. That seemed so important to him right now, but why? Why had he always wanted to hold Levi during cold and warm nights just for the comfort of knowing Levi was his? And now he was letting go.

A thumping arose from his back. Or maybe it was his chest. Maybe it was his heart, pounding in and out, erratic and unpredictable, leaping for Levi's. He wanted to hold him. To grab his hand and interlock them together. To smile at him without breaking into a fit of desperation. Levi wouldn't die. He would stay for Eren. Right?

And it died down when Levi's eyes bore holes into his own. He was looking at him with those gorgeous and beautiful, crafted from gods themselves, eyes that he used for everything. But right here and now, it was only the two of them. Yes, it was only the two of them that mattered. Then Levi was hugging Eren. And God, it felt good. Why was he holding on when Levi was only going to die? Why was he holding on when Levi was so damn _cold_? And why so cold? The body he once slept with was warm, so warm he was always on the edge of dying from keeping him so close when he had been all but confident in doing so. But he continued to have him pressed up against his side, and he was always closing his eyes to the sight of Levi's calm and gentle face.

It was times like those that he'd pay his life for to get back.

"It's okay to cry, Eren." Despite how much he didn't mean to, it set him off. The words affected him in too many ways, and with Levi's hand holding him up, he couldn't help himself.

His nose tightened, and so did his chest. Remembrance was gone, just like any faith he had in himself to keeping tightly shut and strong. His back shook. No, this wasn't right. His eyes squeezed closed. No, this wasn't the right time to cry. Levi couldn't make him cry, whether he should or not. Should he? Was it really okay to cry? How could it be okay when Levi was dying? His ears picked up a slight whimper. "It's not okay."

"Please," Levi was pushing his head to the corner of his shoulder where it fit so perfectly, like all those nights before. "Don't hold back what you really need to let go." Was he talking about himself or crying at this point? Who knew. Maybe he was talking about crying, but Levi surely wanted to go himself. Hell, he was shot in the stomach. Eren would want to die if that ever happened. But he _was_ shot. Somebody had gotten the upper hand of him and he couldn't wrap himself in bandage before they'd get back to campus, where everything seemed to happen. There was a soft and tickling brush near his shoulders. When he looked, there was nothing but red. Red, _everywhere_.

But then Levi was wiping his eyes from the water pouring out. He muttered something, but quickly hugged the brunet. "Don't leave me now."

"I'm right here, and I'm not planning on going anywhere, okay?"

"Okay." Levi's eyes closed as his breathing became slower. Eren sighed, and planned on never letting the raven go ever. Not even through death.

Some light cracked in through somewhere not belonging in existence beforehand. Then some yelling and screaming. When Eren went to look, the first thing he saw was Levi's peaceful, resting face. Somebody screamed. He was being pulled away from him. Levi was being torn and taken from his grasp once again. Why did this always happen to him? Of all people, why did Levi have to leave him now? It wasn't time yet for him to die. At least it shouldn't be. It couldn't be, since it would still be so early. Levi wasn't going anywhere. He promised him that, and Eren intended on his promise to keep him going. Somebody was still screaming, and all the while the world sliding from under his feet. Maybe it actually wasn't. Somebody must be dragging him along, then. Who, then? Who was behind him, shouting all those orders? Was he screaming over the chaos?

Levi, for all he could see, was being thrown into the back of a white truck with red lacing. _He was being taken in the opposite direction that he was being pulled_. Why was Levi leaving him? Hadn't everyone had enough of their games by now? Some white clothed people came around, sealing the raven securely into a box. They shouted orders and rushed back, huddling into the front of the truck. Was it some type of gang? Or people who were paid by somebody else to kill Levi? Was that who the man was when the gun went off? Where was he now? He should've been in that room when Eren had woken up. Where did he escape to?

He must've been screaming, since his ears refused to function any further, but soon something warm was wrapped around him shoulders. A coat? A blanket? Somebody's arms? Who knew. Then there was whispering right up to his ear. Something calming and quiet through the disaster behind him. Bright red lights flew off as the truck sped away. The truck sped away without taking Eren with it. Levi was in that truck, and he couldn't even move to chase it down. Was he still crying? Levi said it was okay to cry.

It should've been okay to cry, but somewhere along the lines and somehow, he ended up with dry eyes. Completely dry. Maybe it was only okay to cry with Levi there to comfort him.

Bright lights and sirens. Screaming and blaring and the loud whirring of the things police and ambulances use to warn people to get out of their way with pierced his mind. Was this a crime scene? The steady thumping of something unknown. Then he was being pushed, weightless all the same. Where was he being taken? He needed to be by Levi's side, and nobody else. That's all that mattered, right? _Thump. And thump. And thump_. Each one as loud as the previous one- maybe even louder and more painful. It was like a drum at some concert at a beach resort. They always beat the drums loudly as the base, and then you hear music to accompany it. But there wasn't any music. Only screams and whimpering. He couldn't thrash about. The one gripping him was too strong, or he just was weak. He was always weak. Levi should've been by his side still, and Levi should've been holding him. Not this stranger.

And then stinging. Cold, frozen stinging. A red piece of cloth hit his face. Everything was white. Everything was cold and white and frosted over. What was this? Something landing on his face, a few more and more and more, but what was it? It stung and burned on his flesh. Was this where they were taking Levi? He would die out here. He didn't even have one bit of sense to where he was. Then whipping. Something flew at his face so fast he was driving. Was he in a car? Maybe the windows were down and his face was being shoved outside. But it was too bright to take a closer look, so he kept his eyes closed for the time being. Something kept flying by his ear, creating that whipping noise. Was this death?

Something kept crunching after each sway of his body, up and down and to the sides. He couldn't hold on, but whoever was grasping him did a certainly good job at it. Was he on a boat in the middle of the artic? It certainly was cold. Very cold and frozen here, something stinging at his face while his eyes watered and his nose dripped. His nose was completely frozen. A steady heart, thumping in and out of his chest. Levi was already taken away from those people awful enough to shove him in the back of a truck.

There was another thrash of the red cloth in his face. Was this somebody he knew? It might've been, for all he really was aware of. It was cold as well, and maybe there had been frost on it. But he kept his eyes closed, in fear that if he opened them he'd regret seeing what he might see. He'd let this person take him wherever they pleased, even if it happened to be a slaughter house. It was better than feeling colder.

He could wait for Levi, knowing that he would always keep his promises and stay for him for even only a couple more minutes. A couple more minutes would be more than enough to get him back. At least, that was as long as Levi kept his promises.


	20. Chapter 20

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Don't leave. Please don't fucking leave. He lurched forward, although there was nowhere to go. Somebody cursed. Levi had been here. He'd seen the blood on the floor. He had seen the way Levi smiled at him, and the way Levi had told him things he still couldn't remember, although he should've been able to. Those words must've been important. They couldn't have just been words. Levi wasn't one to waste time away, talking. But maybe he had just been talking. And even to Eren. He wasted all that time talking to a pathetic boy he hated and despised, although he touched him so intimately.

Levi had been his, so, so, so fucking long ago, it must've been more than a year.

There was a bobbing and clicking and tapping. There was no possible way that anyone was prying his eyes open at this point. No, it felt much better closed and relaxed- where nobody could hurt him.

And then he felt sick. A nauseous, vomiting sick. Maybe the string of curses followed by the somebody holding him meant he had thrown up. Not surprising. Not even in the least, according to the last few days and events.

Sirens and lights. Screaming and then a man's low voice, slowly fading off. Where was he? When was the last time he ate something? Anything? Maybe it was a week ago, or a few days. Where was he? There was still somebody carrying him, and soon a thud as his back hit something cold and hard and firm. Buckles were being strapped onto him, and Eren let whomever was doing it continue. There really wasn't any other option, either way. But the man might be a serial killer, for all he knew.

With his odds, he wouldn't be surprised.

And then his body lurched, without stopping. A few bumps along the trip, wherever that was, and then a couple nudges. Was he asleep, or dreaming, or maybe unconscious? If he was unconscious, wouldn't he feel something less? Less than the constant stabbing pain in his side that wouldn't seem to go away? Where was Levi?

And then somebody unstrapped him, and he was weightless. He was flying, almost. Almost, but not quite. Then back down to the ground. The sopping, ugly, hard ground. Lurching forward again, tickling and prickles ran over his head and somewhat still working vision. Then a million tons of weights were suddenly being pressed up to his face. The sides, the top, and the middle. This was what it felt like to die, wasn't it? But how could this be death? He was so close to finding Levi, and he'll let it all go at this very moment? Just give in and let this pounding at his head go away?

Somebody was touching him, tracing their fingers over his chin and moving to the back of his ears. Then the warmth was gone, replaced by stinging and a painful jab into his arm. Another, and another. Somebody was screaming.

Where was Levi? He promised him he wouldn't die- not just yet, at least. And Eren intended on him keeping his promise, even if he had to drag the raven out of hell and back to keep it solid. Anything, something to assure him Levi was going to be alright, and he wouldn't leave Eren yet. He did promise, after all. Each and every time he promised or made a solid agreement with Eren beforehand, he always came through, whether late or early. Why would this be any different?

 _Because of the way he had smiled_. Because of the way he had told him it was all going to be okay. And then the way he felt the warm, rusty blood on his lips, the thin line between hell and his lover's precious life, the way his eyes twinkled each and every time he'd smile just for Eren. Just for him. Only for him. The way Levi told him that he'd stay for a bit longer. It was a pathetic lie. He didn't see that then, but it was all too fucking obvious to him now. Straight up in his face, all the obvious signs. Levi was dying in front of him for God knows how long, and all he'd been able to do was nothing. He wasn't able to tell him how much he goddamn missed him, waking up to his voice in the morning, and seeing him casually drinking something along the lines of mint tea. He'd never gotten the chance to see his smile before he managed to pass out- or what seemed like it, or to say that he was sorry. The opportunity was right in his face, yet all he did was ignore it.

Something was yanked onto his face, a strap leading back to where the tips of his ears began. Then he breathed in for the first time in a million years.

It felt so perfect. Except Levi wasn't here by his side, not even in his mind.

The voice was gone- the voice that told him he was being such a brat and laughed at him and told him to shut up, while stroking his hair and pulling on the tips while pressing soft kisses onto his lips. It was gone. And he was only beginning to become desperate for it again.

Muffled sounds of heavy thuds and gasps penetrated his mind. Something dribbled at his lips. Something cold and wet. What was this? Where was he? Slurred words of a man, women, young girl, or a burly man, drunk from staying up too late at night at the bar, talking to him. No, maybe they weren't talking directly to _him_. Was there someone else in the room?

And then people were rushing in, as coats were thrown off and the clinking of metal was placed on the ground near him. A few voices rushed into his ears. So close and near him, it was scary. If only he could just open his eyes and lean into the touch that had been placed on the side of his face, he could see who was next to or above him and tell them that he was fine, and they should find Levi. They needed to find Levi and take care of him instead of tending to a brat such as him.

Levi was the one, wounded on the floor, that needed to be healed and cared for. Not him- no, certainly not him. He was perfectly fine.

But he couldn't voice the thoughts as his awareness of the people around him began to fade. He never could, but that's how he had been born. A stupid and worthless and shitty boy who never did anything right.

"Wake up now, Eren," A voice whispered into his ear. His eyes didn't open.

There were lips pressed up against his own, while he was lying on the bed underneath somebody so familiar. But it was all black. There were no faces or sounds. But each tingling moment lasted forever. This was the same as it had been when Levi had done this so many times to him. It was bliss, almost.

Maybe if he hadn't actually realized he was just dreaming. And then his eyes opened. Cold and sweat dripped down his arms and forehead. Somebody was leaning over his bed when he first got a glance at where he was.

"M-Mikasa."

"Are you okay?" She leaned over, her hair falling on Eren's chest as she rested her head there. But Eren really couldn't push her off, whether he wanted to or not.

"I'm fine, Mikasa. Just tired. Where's Levi?"

She didn't respond right away. Instead, her eyes darted over to the spot where she seemed to linger a moment too quickly. "He's..."

"Levi isn't hurt, right?"

"The last I saw of him was being pulled onto a stretcher and then going into an ambulance. I really don't know where he is."

She didn't know where Levi was? What bullshit was this? "Since when do you give up so easily?"

"I'm sorry, Eren. I'd tell you if I knew-"

"Just shut up! I know you already are in possession of his exact location and know where he is, right now! Tell me where he is." Levi was going to be perfectly fine. Of course he would be; he promised. He promised Eren that he wouldn't be going anywhere.

She sighed, letting a hand drop from where it was and leaned away from the boy. Eren couldn't even see her eyes as she spoke. "He's in the recovery ward. They operated on him the other day."

Her hands wrapped around Eren's own, although he couldn't pull away. She was either too strong or he was too weak. He was always too fucking weak. "But you should worry about yourself. You woke up from being unconscious for over a few days, Eren. Think about your own health before you go ahead, risking your life for some damn fuck that doesn't care about you nearly the same."

"Shut up! Levi cares! He cares enough to not worry me when he was bleeding! He told me that he'd stay, and I trust him! ...I still do, I guess." A smile spread across his lips as he continued, "Of course I can trust him. The doctors will fix him up, and he'll be back to being Levi. I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me, it'll clear out of my system eventually, anyway."

"You know, he's completely irrelevant. Levi is healing, or trying to, at least. He'll be back to you before you know it, so there's no need to worry so much over him right now. Worry about yourself."

"I can't. He's the one who protected me when I was there-"

"No. That's a lie. It wasn't him that kept you safe; it was the deal he made."

"What deal?" Levi would never make a deal in order to protect him. Would he?

"Never mind," She said, but Mikasa still glared at Eren. What had gone wrong? Had he done something to upset her? When? "Just tell me you won't worry about him and you'll work on healing yourself, yeah?"

"Fine."

Levi was going to come back safe and sound to him. Wasn't that what he had said? What had he said? Eren didn't need to worry about anything. Levi would work it all out.

But he _did_ worry. He had the right to worry about the only person who'd manage to love him- even if it never was _love_ , it still was somewhat the same as it. And even if Levi never said anything about loving Eren- not in his recent memory, that is, wasn't staying alive for Eren long enough to see his eyes open in time sufficient? Wasn't it enough?

"Tell me the truth, Mikasa." She looked over to him, and told him to continue. "Tell me the truth about how you found me."

"Maybe it wasn't me."

"I remember seeing your scarf. I know it was you."

"Fine, you caught me. But I can't tell you anything."

"And why not?" Eren asked, his eyes flickering over to where Mikasa was looking. A small picture frame in her hands. Her fingertips graced over the edges, before realizing that Eren was looking at her. Then he managed to find his gaze on his wrists. They weren't clear, or pale or smooth like they might've been a while ago.

They were marked. Two wings, one of the same etched into each of his wrists. Did Levi have them as well? Where was Levi?

***

The winds blew at his hair, ruffling them in his face as much to blind him. It wasn't snowing out, at least not to what Mikasa had told Eren. The hospital was so far out of reach, but Levi might've been in one of those wards. Eren could've checked if his sister hadn't rushed him out as quickly as she did. Honestly, it became a bit suspicious, but nonetheless, they were standing outside of the small hospital Eren seemed to have spent so much time in during the past year. They were bundled up in a million winter jackets and pants- as Mikasa had told Eren: "You'll catch a cold, you'll freeze out there, your immune system is still working its way to being back to normal, or I brought you a bunch of coats, so you're going to wear them," while she consisted of a light hoodie and jeans.

It was cold, even added to that.

It had been two days since Eren had been released, and so far, Mikasa seemed to be pampering him to lots of sweets and treats, including coming over to his and Annie's dorm to cook for the two of them- although the blond always refused and went out with her friends, only coming back before midnight, and he was already back here at the hospital. But on his request.

"Are you sure you want to see him?"

"Why wouldn't I?" The white, low-hanging branch that swooped so low it would've almost come to Eren's highest point while sitting still branched over the entrance. The snow was coming down, but it was somewhat nice. It was nice to be cold and to shiver, although they were going in to see Levi- finally. Finally, Eren would be able to see Levi again.

And then they started moving. The receptionist didn't say anything to them when they entered, and Mikasa took Eren to the ward in the back where Levi must be staying. It was so damn cold in here, even with the heat blasting enough so every patient inside would be warmer than a marshmallow being tortured near a fire. Even Mikasa took off her one layer of warmth before they managed to get down two rows of rooms.

Please, let him be okay. Please, let him open his eyes and smile at Eren, although he might not be actually happy about seeing him. The point of it was that he was still mad at the boy for their last normal interaction. They had yelled for a bit, and it had been Levi to move. Just the face. Just the smile that assured him everything would turn out okay was enough to complete the worry. But what if he wasn't okay? Mikasa had told him that the doctor had done surgery on him, and what if it hadn't been successful?

But then they were turning into a room. The lights were off, and the floors were clean and squeaked as Eren's chair wheeled over the tiles. The walls were white, and the bed sheets were as well. The skin that once had color was now stained white, along with those lips Eren used to kiss. Levi's eyes were closed, and his arms were injected with needles and wires running up to kits and tools and operating machines near him. The heart rate monitor was steady, to say the least.

What happened to the Levi Eren once met? The one that took him in as a roommate and hurdled him over every rock and bump in the road? The one that held him to safety?

It was supposed to be Eren lying in that horrible and filthy white bed. Not Levi. It was supposed to be Eren who was sick all the time and had everyone worried sick about him. It was Eren who was supposed to be unconscious right now, with Levi carrying on with his life and finally working on graduating college. And even after all these years, Levi was still stuck in the goddamn awful place due to Eren. He first ran off to help Eren, only to break his heart. He then came back, only to leave him again. Levi shattered every last rational thought and every last piece of his fragile soul. But trample him if he will, it didn't matter. Eren was here now, looking at Levi's deathly pale face, and the constant beeping of the monitor near him, with blood bags and others that he couldn't recognize. It was supposed to be him that was near death and risked everything to be with Levi. Not the other way around.

And then Levi stirred. A small grunt, and Eren could do nothing but look. That's all he ever could do. And then the pounding began. It started slow, a steady thumping inside his chest. It was never supposed to become a usual thing or habit of his. He was supposed to be calm in front of Levi, not panicking and all sweaty and nervous. Just the compressing failure of staying silent. His heart leaped so far and sounded so loud. A drum was setting a rhythm inside him, and smashing his ribcage until his face became red and his face swollen. Maybe he wasn't actually as flustered as it felt. Maybe it was just because he never really saw Levi since they moved away.

Someone was talking. Something brushed his hair out of his face. But Levi's eyes had opened, and they were looking at him. But there wasn't any relief painted on his face, nor was there happiness or anger or doubt. Just... Nothing. Levi looked so dead.

"Hey, brat."

"I'll leave you two alone," Mikasa said as she slipped out, but not before unlatching Eren and plopping him down next to Levi on his bed, with his head resting on Levi's shoulder and his hands uselessly hanging.

When had they been this close? Never? No, there must've been some time when they had shared this air they breathed right now together. Or maybe not. Maybe the pelting outside was rain. Or snow. Or hail. Who knew. But it was steady, much unlike Eren's quickened heartbeat. But Levi's remained calm and still.

It was Levi right next to him. He could just reach out and touch him; that's all he needed to do, right? No, of course not. Nothing was that easy. He couldn't touch him first, no matter how much he might've been compelled to. He couldn't even move his head away from the raven's. But his breath mingled with Levi's, while they sat next to each other. Maybe this had been normal for them at some point. And maybe they had once been comfortable doing this sometime before. But certainly not now. Levi was shifting underneath Eren. That wasn't a good sign.

But he wasn't talking. Maybe that was what was tripping the male over. Eren usually would've been first to talk. To apologize or tell Levi that he missed him. Or, in this case, Levi was the one to speak first.

"I'm sorry," He had said. He had said so many things before, but never an apology first. Not ever before Eren. But this was good. This was comforting. And Eren leaned into it.

"It's okay."

"Are you okay?"

"Mhm." Eren nodded, stiffening up when something warm traced his sides. Maybe it had been instinctual. Or something they used to do so often it became a habit Levi didn't even notice he was doing it now. But it stung. It sent shocks all the way down to his fingertips. But he didn't mention anything about it. "What about you? You were hurt."

"It's fine." Levi took a moment to pause and lift up his shirt slightly, showing a scar already forming from the thread they sewed his sides together with. Stitches. Levi had stiches, and that was going to permanently leave a scar on Levi's beautifully flawless skin. When had he been shot? Who had shot him? Nothing made sense at this point. All Eren could remember was the bullet sound, the piercing boom as he heard Levi's body drop uselessly to the floor. And he hadn't even seen anything. Only red at the time. And why had Levi stuck around? "The doctors fixed me up quickly, and I'll be out soon."

"Oh."

"...I'm sorry for leaving. I didn't want to leave you, Eren. I knew that the minute I started missing you."

"And how far into your mysterious disappearance was that?"

"Only a few days. After I got over the fact that I left. I'm sorry."

"Please don't be."

"Why not? I'm the one who dragged you into this whole mess. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here right now, and I would've never come into your life."

The brunet shook his head. "No, please. My life could never be the same without you ever in it. You changed me, and for the better."

"And I'm sorry for yelling at you when you wanted to become normal and take those pills Hanji gave you."

"It was my fault, then. I wanted to take you somewhere special, just me. I wanted to walk for you. But I'm never going to see that day, anyway, since I almost was poisoned because of Hanji. It's my fault you ended up being shot."

"It's not your fault. Not anything. You're beautifu- I mean, you're strong and brave. You'd never give up just because I told you otherwise," Levi's voice cracked, and somehow his hand had found Eren's, and his other ran lightly over the edge of the boy's cheek. "Tell me that light I fell in love with won't fade. Promise me that, okay?"

"Okay," Eren laughed, staring at the spot in the corner of the room, all dark and empty. But then Levi turned his head towards his, pressing his lips on top of his nose. "You'd think I'd be madder at you, honestly, after everything that's happened. But I'm not. It's weird, I think I only love you more."

"You're not mad that I left for Germany? You're not mad at me because I broke every promise we made together? Come on, yell at me for something."

"Fine, tell me why you left me for Petra."

Levi frowned, his hands slowing. But they still held tight to Eren's own, blanketing him in warmth and comfort. This moment should never end. But why would he ever be so lucky to have that come true?

"Petra and I are still awkward. But she helped me when I first went. I missed you more than I thought I would-"

"Then why did you leave?"

The raven hummed, vibrating against Eren's chest. "See? You're still mad at me."

"No! I'm not- I mean, I want you to tell me everything."

"There was this little boy I rescued a while ago, when I was still only a teenager," Levi mused, and then it all clicked.

"You were that boy who saved me?"

"I guess I was. You made me remember."

"Of course I didn't. It was you all along. I can't believe it."

"Mm, and you were the one who saved me through the nights when I wanted to scream. I missed you more than I thought I would. But I needed to get away. Petra was the one to tell me I needed to go back, somewhat. She really shouldn't be pulled into this shithole. I wasn't her fault."

"Can I yell at you?"

Levi nodded, and Eren opened his mouth, "Tell me why you left. Why did you ever want me to forget you!? I loved you so goddamn much, and I know that you must've felt something at least during the time we spent together! Hanji interrupted us before, and we never got to finish our argument," Eren blinked. He blinked again, realizing only now that he intended to squeeze Levi's hand until the raven could never leave him again. Levi didn't need to leave again, right? Not for anything. Only for him. "I think I might've loved you."

And then hands were wiping away what was flowing from his eyes. Something sticky and wet. "I knew from the minute I saw you being torn away from me when you left the first time that I loved you," Eren continued. "So tell me that you felt at least something between us during the couple months we weren't fighting, please. Anything, Levi. Tell me why it was so important for me to forget you."

"Because it's scary. Knowing somebody like me, I mean. I'm only bringing about me danger, like what just had happened. I don't want you getting hurt in order to follow me around. Live your own life."

"No," Eren was just as shocked when he said this was Levi's expression showed. "I don't care. I told you already that I wasn't afraid of death, right? I meant it. I'm going to come with you, by your side for as long and far as you'll let me. Please don't push me away anymore."

"When I was gone, looking for you when you disappeared from the hospital," When did he ever disappear from the hospital? Hell, when had he ever even been in the hospital? He took some of the pills Hanji had given him after Levi had left, and after he had gone to his classes, and that was all that happened. Levi moved out shortly after that, and then they were here. "I thought I would never see your beautifu- gorgeo- no, smile again. I thought I'd never see the way you screamed at me again. I thought I'd screwed up so badly you'd hate me forever. By the way, I remember you saying you hated me. Was that right, or was I just sleep deprived and delusional?"

Eren shook his head, and a low laugh escaped the raven's lips. "You weren't delusional. We never actually forgave each other when Hanji messed everything up."

"What are you trying to get at, brat?"

"I mean to say that all I remember is that we were still mad at each other when we had sex- not that I didn't like it. It was great, though, but I never actually told you I forgave you."

"And?"

He looked the best he could to the side, his hands still in Levi's. And this moment should never end. It was perfect, and wasting another second fighting would only destroy it. "Kiss me." When Levi turned his head so Eren could see his glassy eyes, his eyebrow was raised and he asked him once if he meant it. Of course he did. He'd never say something just because it sounded right, or because that's what he saw in a movie or something overly soppy and dramatic.

Maybe he had been high from the tingling running up his spine as Levi's hands crawled up his sides to support him and to run underneath his shirt, up his spine, and near his waistline. Maybe he had been too wrapped up in the fact that he was there with Levi again, and the raven wasn't overly mad at him anymore. He had been too delusional to think properly when two surprisingly warm and soft- despite looking so pale and cracked- lips touching his. But he couldn't help but smile the best he could, pressing back.

And when Levi pulled away, something shone again in his gray eyes that Eren had seen only a few times before. He muttered something before the words struck him.

"You're beautiful."

And everything seemed to almost be right. But they were still strangers sitting next to each other, sharing something only people more than friends shared. Something was still wrong, but it didn't matter.

The man in front of him was a stranger, although he couldn't help but falling for the mysterious, pale raven. No matter how many times it seemed they grew distant again and forgot each other's name.

"I might still be a bit mad at you, and at myself, but I can get over that for one night," Levi said, squeezing the waist of the boy as tightly as he could and resting his head in the crook of his neck where it seemed to still fit perfectly.

They decided on sleeping together that night, crammed up in a small hospital bed- also due to the fact that Mikasa seemed to have forgotten about them or just got too bored to wait any longer, listening to their sappy lines through the thin walls, so she wasn't there when Eren was ready to go back home. Neither was a phone or any way to contact her for a ride back to the campus. But hey, this wasn't such a bad alternative.

The snow had stopped falling, the sun had finally disappeared over the horizon, and Eren had already passed out in his arms, his face curled up near his chest. And fuck sleep clothes, they were in a hospital. The nurses had come in to check up on Levi once already, but quickly left the minute they saw Eren in his arms. It might not have been the smartest decision, due to the fact that his hand was numb now- Eren was sitting on it.

But the soft snoring against his chest was worth it. The sight itself was worth it. Eren was curled up, his eyes closed and his eyelashes making him look like sleeping beauty, and his lips parted so perfectly as he breathed. His hair that fell over his eyelids and was a beautiful mess. Eren was all he could ask for.

A quiet knock on the door caused him to jump, although he didn't seem to wake Eren up. Slowly pulling out his hand from the boy's body, and adjusting him so he would be lying on his side, he made his way over to the door. Although every step was like a dagger being jabbed into his side.

The doctor was waiting for him outside, a clipboard in his hand and a pair of glasses around his neck.

"Mr. Ackerman," He addressed, holding onto Levi's arm when something became tipsy and the ground became closer. Something was said under his breath, but Levi couldn't make anything out.

"Sorry."

"I'm afraid this is more serious than we ever thought."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," The doctor sighed, rubbing his hands over his eyes as he spoke, "Please come with me to my office."

"Fine."

Levi had to be picked up, and he was staring at the ground in a matter of seconds. Some nurses were there to put him on a stretcher. The doctor was pushing him down each hall, only a few lights on through each long corridor, the clicking and squeaking of his shoes and the wheels that were already too old and needed to be replaced finding themselves on the floor, and the hushed words to the receptionist before he was pulled into a operating room.

"What's going on?"

"I was afraid this was going to happen, Mr. Ackerman. A bullet wound leaves the skin open for infection. We're afraid you've either been open to lead poisoning or something worse. Have you had any pain near the joints or the abdomen?"

He shook his head. There was no way he had lead poisoning. He had been to the hospital soon enough, wouldn't they have caught anything that might've lead to it?

"If it is lead poisoning, we would want to start cleaning out the area and keeping a tight watch on it, and if necessary, we'll have to give you a few medications for it."

"But it can't be."

The doctor smiled, pressing a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry; it probably isn't. But if we don't treat this early, with an open wound, it is fatal and is irreversible if we let it continue. I'm just going to give you some general anesthesia, and make sure the wound- and I mean really deep inside, is completely cleaned out and disinfected. If you start to suffer some side effects, I'll prescribe you some drugs to clear it from your system. But please, there's no reason to worry-" he must've seen Levi's confusion and the crease between his eyebrows- "there's a very small chance you actually have it."

"Okay."

"Since you're of age to decide on your own, I need your consent to do this operation. The nurse will come in with the paperwork."

So he singed down his name, had a couple shots, and had an anesthesia mask wrapped around his mouth. The doctor was saying something to him, lowering his chair and leaning over him. A couple nurses were handing him items as he prodded at things on his sides, until he was sure Levi wasn't feeling anything anymore.

He said something else, but his eyes were drooping by that point. Oh well, must not have been anything that important if he had told him it while he was already beginning to become unconscious. A pounding in his head and the pressure of two hands holding his neck.

Wait, he was in the hospital's OR, not back home. Kenny wasn't here, was he? Of course not. But that itching wouldn't go away, and something prickled at his chest. But then it was black.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy early Halloween! I won't be posting tomorrow- unless some weird, miraculous time fairy comes to visit and I find enough time to write out another chapter. Feel free to comment, and send some kudos! They make my day ^^

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"Armin!" The blond came running up to the hospital doors, a small bag in his hand and his face laced with worry.

"What's wrong? What did I miss?"

"It's Levi," Eren said, while Mikasa stood behind him, a hand on his chair as she led the two inside.

It had been a dreary morning. No sunlight flooded into the small ward, and Eren woke to nobody holding him and nobody to comfort him when he finally Levi left him. At least that's what it had seemed like. Levi might've left him once and for all, who knew.

Mikasa wasn't there, and neither was anyone, really. It had been dreary until she came to pick him up after what seemed to be an hour later. But either way, here they were.

When they rushed past the receptionist, the lady had called out to the two. Apparently, a surgery to Levi Ackerman had been done a few hours ago, and they were still waiting for results. But due to the atrocious glance he received from the slightly overweight women that had nothing better to do, he called Armin over. He was, despite leaving Eren for over five years and counting, the only person he knew that could operate to some medical degree without accidentally killing a patient.

When they rushed through the halls, the women at the front desk tried to stop them, but Mikasa pushed past her before she could get them to sign anymore of those awful papers and forums. Some glares were given, and most of the people waiting in the chairs near the middle obviously weren't too happy about a person walking straight through the line.

The blond walked behind Eren, who was in front of Mikasa. When they neared the white doors of the recovery room, the doctor who operated on Levi came out, wiped his hands on a cloth and greeted the three.

"Can you just let us in?" Eren asked, but his frown wasn't very clear.

"No, I'm sorry. No visitors yet."

"We're not visiting."

"Then would you kindly explain _what_ you are doing?" The doctor snapped, continuing to wipe his hands.

"When did you do the surgery?"

"Last night, somewhere along the lines, but he was completely willing."

"And...? Does he have any lead poisoning?" Mikasa pushed in, her body weight leaning on Eren's chair. But the doctor didn't respond.

"Armin, you know what to do," Eren started, as Mikasa pulled him out of the way for the blond.

Before he could get through the doors, the doctor spluttered out, "W-Wait! You can't go in there, sir-!"

"Sorry, do I look like I don't know what I'm doing? I'm working on my bachelors towards a medical degree, so please step aside."

"You can't just go in there-"

"I have permission to go anywhere I find unstable. I find you unstable as a doctor, adn I'm just going to check on the patient. Where can I find him?"

"T-The second ward. Hold on! Wait a sec-" The blond pushed past him, and the doors slammed behind him, leaving both the doctor and the two siblings alone. But the doctor followed him inside, and the two were completely and utterly alone.

"I don't see why you're going this far for somebody."

Eren growled, or something close to a growl. "If you loved somebody, wouldn't you die for them?"

"Yes, I suppose."

"Then how the hell is this supposed to be any different? You know I like him- a lot, and I'd do anything for him. This is the least of my abilities."

"But you're just hurting yourself."

How was he hurting himself? Nobody was around, so it seemed appropriate to scream and tear her hair out, but he couldn't. She was behind him, probably smiling so smugly and being so proud of her accomplishments. Nobody wanted them to be together, and she certainly never supported it from the beginning. "I don't care."

"You need to, though. Eren, if you want to grow up healthy and stronger, you need to stop dragging yourself down to his level just to see him. If it does turn out to be lead poisoning, the only thing you _can_ do is blame yourself. Is that what you want?"

No. "But I don't care! I might be selfish, bratty... I don't care. He likes me, and that's what gets me through the nights. Please tell me you're not changing your mind about us after a year?"

"I am," she stated dryly. "I'm telling you to stop digging yourself into a huge hole you'll regret doing later on. When he breaks apart from you- which in inevitable, you should at least know that, you won't be able to get out. You've let him hurt you enough."

"I don't care about myself! He's never once let anyone harm me, Mikasa. You know better than to just say those things, so please tell me you're only joking about this."

"No, I'm deadly serious. If you don't want to believe me, believe yourself. You're also harming him, and pushing him to his limits. Nobody would ever want a paralyzed boy; what's the difference with him?"

The difference with him was that he was strong and caring. The strongest person Eren's ever met- no, actually, the bravest. He'd gone to Germany for his sake, goddamn it. "I've only ever wanted to know somebody cared for once enough to stay longer than a night. He left, sure, but I can try to forgive him-"

"Don't! You have to understand the shitty truth! He's not any better for you than those dreams you've had since a kid, always wanting to be normal and to find love in the most romantic ways! Like I've told you, it's never going to happen!"

She came rounding around so he could see her. Or maybe she was the one spinning the chair so he was now facing her. Either way, the ground spun on it's axis, and something crashed to the ground. Something hit him. A piercing shriek, maybe. Mikasa's glare in his face.

Then the doors of the recovery flew open, and arms were wrapped around him, a soft, calming voice in his ear. Blond hair whipped in his face, although somebody was cursing under their breath. He heard it so precisely, though. Why? Why'd Mikasa have to kick him, of all things? No, maybe she slapped him.

"It's going to be okay, Eren," a soft voice said, the one who was holding him in this gentle embrace. But the ground was at his feet, like he was thrown on a boat. It was the gentle rocking that might've suggested he was about to throw all contents of his previous meal out, but it was fine. He was sick of it anyway, so what difference did it make that whomever was holding him now was covered in vomit? Except that person didn't make any move to move, only holding his body closer and tighter.

And then the first wave came. It flooded over him, sweeping away all worries as the pain faded away. His back shook, and from what little control he had over his body quickly fled him, leaving him completely defenseless. This wasn't good. This wasn't supposed to happen, but soon enough, a cool stream of water was dripping down his eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen.

He'd already promised to be stronger for Levi, and what was he doing? Yeah, that's right. Being a whiny brat, crying all over somebody's strong arms. And then the second wave. Nothing seemed right.

His nose refused to suck in air, and his chest tightened. A surge of pain shook him, and he was squeezed tighter and tighter until whiteness held in his eyes. or maybe that was just because of the panic. Or shock. Or fear. He wasn't supposed to show weakness. Not in front of Mikasa, if she even was still here. Probably not.

The third and last was worst than all the others. It was dead silent, and the soft squeaking of shoes against the clean hospital's tile floors broke it. His hair was stroked, but they were still on the ground. Nobody even thought about helping him back up to his wheelchair- not that it was even in the least as comforting as the cold and stiff ground.

He'd promised that he'd be stronger for Levi, and what had he done? Yeah, that's right. Nothing. He was an utter failure to everyone's eyes. That's all that mattered, really. The fact that he managed to fuck everything up that came in contact to him. He should let Armin go. He should let Mikasa go- actually, he should've done that a while ago, more around five years ago. Nobody should have to be stuck up to him, since he'd only kill them slowly and effortlessly. He should let Levi go.

_One_.

He'd erase every memory of the two, just Levi and him. Together, sleeping together, bathing together- not that there was much other choice for him there, and talking together. Erase it all from him memory. Tell Levi it wouldn't work out, fix himself, and let Mikasa go. That's how easy it was. But really, who could do that?

_Two_.

Who could let somebody go that they'd already spent more than a lifetime falling in love with, even if those hours and days were short and hardly there at all?

_Three_.

Levi's frail and delicate features. The upturned smile that only he got to see, and the gentle voice that held him when he first was sick. The voice that led him to a happy place through the phone one late night when all the roads were abandoned and nobody came to see him.

_Four_.

Tell him it's going to be alright, and take another deep breath. That's all he needed, right? Levi never actually played a big factor in his life, did he? He could live without the male. That's right, he'd go back to being the boy he had been over a year ago, cold and alone, but not causing any trouble to anybody. That's how it was supposed to be, and it was obvious now.

_Five_.

"It's hard to believe it's been more than a year, huh?" Somebody chuckled, and held him tight.

_Six_.

"Levi's going to be okay. More than okay, actually. He'll be perfectly fine. There's no lead, and no reason to worry. So please stop crying, yeah?" Was he still crying?

_Seven_.

But Levi was going to be fine. He couldn't help himself when he laughed. Or maybe he was crying again. It reeked of puke. But all was fine, since the blond only held him gently and ruffled his hair.

_Eight_.

"Mikasa's gone. You don't need to worry anymore, Eren. I've got your back."

_Nine_.

"What about Levi?"

_Ten_.

"He'll be fine, Eren."

"Thanks, Armin. I mean it." But somewhere along the lines, he was off the floor. Now in his chair, securely strapped in so he wouldn't fall out again. Mikasa was gone, leaving only Armin to deal with him. Maybe that's what she wanted.

"Anything for a old friend. And I'm sorry for leaving you alone, while I was off only thinking about myself while was in England."

"Tell me you at least had some fun."

"Yeah, I did. But that's not the point. Let's get you home, okay?"

"Okay."

***

There were twenty things Eren could list that he hated about Levi Ackerman. None of those included having to do this.

Precisely twenty hours after Mikasa left, and Armin was finally able to clean up himself and Eren, the doors opened. The two were sitting in the waiting room, Eren in his chair and Armin to the side, a hand clasped into his, holding strong. And then the raven was walking out, his eyes landing on the brunet's.

Something magical, almost, happened. He smiled, walking up to the boy in a small run- jog, fast-paced walk, whatever he'd call it. The raven smiled, taking Eren's hand once Armin let go, and placing a small kiss on his forehead. Too perfect. His eyes were too happy, but they looked genuine. And so sounded the words that came next.

"I'm fine."

Precisely twenty one hours after Mikasa left, the two were both settled back home, the heater buzzing while Eren laid on his bed, Levi's head at his legs, and his arms wrapped around his body.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Levi said, turning his head to the boy's.

"What actually happened when you were in Germany?"

"Why bring this up now?"

"Because I'm tired of the days I had to wait in the hospital for you to come home and answer my questions. But you never did, so now seems appropriate."

"Fine. Are you sure you're okay with the fact that I left?"

"Of course. It's the past."

Levi hummed, vibrating the bed and Eren's back. This was something he could get used to. But, knowing his luck, it wouldn't happen.

"I never got to see your father. Not even close, actually. But when I met somebody there, I had some clues to where he'd be, and what he might be doing," Levi paused, taking time to exhale. "But... I missed you every day that I was gone. The trip was really only supposed to be a few months at most, and there I was, running off from my problems and leaving you alone for over a year. Feel free to be mad."

"I'm still a bit angry at you, but please don't blame yourself."

"Nothing much else happened."

"Really? For a whole year, what else were you doing besides finding clues?"

"...Part of it had been my father. He's a total dick, of course."

"Who? Do I know him?"

"Maybe," Levi said, his fingertips brushing the edges of Eren's thighs, dragging down to his knee, "He was the one who kidnapped you from the hospital. Did you have much consciousness then?"

"Yeah. I guess I saw him a few times, but then there you were." A warm chuckle escaped his lips, before Eren continued, "You always seem to be there to save me, Levi."

"But I can't promise that forever."

"I know. That's why I want to be strong for you, so you can let go someday."

"I wouldn't, even if you asked me. But something else is on your mind."

"You wouldn't want me to tell you."

"No matter what it could be, it wouldn't hurt me. Or us, right?"

"I don't know."

"What's the matter?"

Eren's gaze traveled down to Levi's hands. Then to the ceiling, drifting over the different patterns that could be interpreted as dinosaurs, flowers, or anything, really. Water flowing down a waterfall, trees swaying to the soft breeze that never actually existed, or Levi's beautiful eyes, smile. But when he went to speak, immediately did he regret saying anything to begin with.

"Let's break up."

Cascading silence pouring down on him, weighing his arms to the bed and sinking even further down into the ground, until he was being squished.

"Tell me you're kidding."

His response only came in a whisper. "I can't." Fuck, he wasn't ready for this. Should've shut up when he could've. That had always been the best option. "I can't tell you I'm only joking. It's enough, right? To say that I can't take the pressure of looking at you every day, and wanting to both kiss you can kill you?"

"I guess I should've expected this."

"How?"

"It's been pretty obvious. You've been pulled down because of me, and it's my fault," Levi began. _It wasn't his fault_. _None of this was_. "I don't want to keep hurting you, and if this is the right option to take, I'll do it willingly."

_Please stop talking._ Please stop saying that it's best to break up, because it's not. This was because Eren's fears and came to be real. Not Levi's.

"You aren't even going to fight or scream at me?" Yell at him, tear him apart, rip him until Eren couldn't breathe, it was fine. As long as he got to keep Levi for another day, and as long as he fought. Maybe he actually didn't love him.

"No, but how can I? I've brought this upon myself since I first left. There really isn't another excuse that I could use to keep you from doing this."

Yes, there was. Tell him that he loved him and wanted to fight. That he wanted Eren just as much as Eren wanted him. That the tugging on his heartstrings were the same in force as whenever Eren looked at Levi. That they could fix this.

"I'm fine with this." He really should've never said anything about this, because the outcome was worse than anything. Levi was only driving the nail in his chest even further, deeper. "I'm fine with breaking up." Was something cutting into his back? His eyes swelled, and he bit his lip.

Was this what it felt like to die? To have your soul ripped out from under you, with no hopes of ever coming back to you? Probably. And Eren couldn't even see Levi's eyes as he spoke, which was like an incinerator burning him to a crisp before he was able to stop Levi from standing up and walking out the door, a coat wrapped around his body that looked familiar, and a scarf that he had since he moved in around his neck. It wasn't enough to stop him from slamming the door shut, the car to start up, and the familiar rumble to shake the ground as he drove off. Who knew when he'd be back, if ever. Would Eren see him again?

He was kidding himself if he ever once believed that that could come to be true. This was how it worked. Whenever two people break apart, despite any promises they made, they never actually saw each other again. He'd never see Levi again. Not sipping his tea, and not calming down his heartbeat when he was crying or upset. He'd even let him slip right out the door.

And hell, if he had legs that maybe worked, he'd be right out there, catching the male before he had the time to even close his car door shut. But he didn't. His arms, legs, body, and anything else never worked. Even in adrenaline. Pain. Suffering. They never worked.

Then the first wave of shuddering came over him again, his back bouncing with every split second.

His eyes shut together tightly. Something was whimpering, but it didn't matter. Not that anyone would even hear him if he could cry. But he was going to be strong for Levi from now on, so he couldn't cry. Then this would all be for nothing.

Pounding on the windows and doors. The roof was being pelted by the hail- or what seemed like hail. Levi wouldn't come back, most likely. He'd be off, finding somebody whom he could put his full trust on and wouldn't do _this_ to him.

It had only been a few minutes, maybe more, and guilt already was seeping into his veins and bloodstream, pouring through just as fast as his heart was beating. The erratic thumping against his ribcage. The constant pounding through his head.

This wasn't every supposed to happen. But that had been over a year ago when that seemed to be important and true. To think it had been a year since Levi and Eren had first met, in the middle of the school year, no snow or rain showering down on them, and before either knew of what might happen later on. If Eren had some sense of the future, he would've never kissed Levi. If it had always come to this, he would've ignored his feelings for the male.

Never let him kiss. Never let him play with his hair. Never let him get under his skin. Never let this happen.

He never meant to hurt Levi.

***

The raven's fist banged on the door, repeatedly until a familiar girl opened the door. She let him in and took his coat, already a step ahead of him.

"Hey, Petra."

"Levi," she countered, raising an eyebrow when he didn't say anything else. Usually, he was never the one to initiate their contact or any type of interaction. "What's wrong?"

His lips turned to a frown, forehead furrowing and his hands scrunching up.

"It's nothing, really."

"Sure it is. Tell me what's up." He stood still, taking in the minutes and seconds silently ticking by on the clock Petra didn't own.

"E-Eren... He and I b-broke up." His lips were cold, and a stinging held his cheeks and nose. They must be red, since the heat had stopped working in his car.

Petra had been the first person that he thought of to come to. Hanji wasn't really anybody he could talk to, let alone cry on, and Erwin would just shrug him off. Besides, he shouldn't be looking for comfort in the first place. That was how it always had been, and it should've stayed that way. But here he was, his head resting on Petra's shoulder while he was pulled into an embrace so warm and comforting.

"It'll be okay, right? Don't get too upset over this, please. Calm down." The racking pounding in his head didn't cease, and the sweat dripping down his forehead came down faster. She only pulled him in closer, letting him fall on her bed. Her roommate wasn't here, apparently.

"It's all my fault. I let him go too easily, and he seemed alright with it."

"It's going to be okay."

"No! It's not going to be okay. It's not alright that he hates me now, and all I can do is cry and break down like a huge piece of shit! I-I should've done something better. M-Maybe I should've stayed back here w-when-"

"Please don't hurt yourself trying to pin the blame on somebody. It wasn't your fault, neither Eren's. It's not wrong to feel guilty and cry, so don't stress over it. Please, Levi, you're the bravest person I know, and if anyone can get through this, I know you can."

And then his chest racked, the once steady beating in his chest sporadic and unpredictable. Sometimes it skipped a beat, and others it went too fast. This was never supposed to happen.

"It wasn't supposed to come down to this."

"Fate has some funny ways of working, but it'll work the two of you out eventually."

"I'm s-such an ass. I was such an ass to him, Mikasa, Farlan, I-Isabel..."

"No, no, you weren't. You never were."

"Yes, I was! See what I'm doing right now?! I'm using you as someone to cry on, because I know you'll be okay with this and won't tell me to shut up and stop complaining-"

"Don't think about him. That was ten years ago, Levi. It's time you've forgotten about him. But as for Eren, you'll be okay. I know."

"I'm such a goddamn fool. And I never saw it, even though it was right in front of my eyes. He was hurting inside, and I never even once looked back to check. He was hurting right beside me, because of the things _I_ did."

"No, this was because of his own choice. Not yours, Mikasa's, or anyone else's. Just his. On his own self-accord. He knew what he was doing, and it was fine with him. You've got to accept it."

"I know that."

"I'll make you some hot-chocolate."

Some small, pathetic smile wrapped his features, and she stood up to walk to the stove, opening a bottle of water and pouring it into a cup. A packet on mix was thrown in, and before long, he was holding a warm cup of hot chocolate in his hand, sipping it down while thanking the girl.

"So, tell me all about it. And don't think about blaming yourself about anything. I want to know what happened before."

"I've already told you about the trip to Germany. It was such an utter waste of time. I left him for no real reason, and came back empty-handed. Mikasa would be so furious at me," Levi chuckled, taking another drag of the warm flavored water, "But then... I can't even remember to this point. I moved out, and let him take those pills.

"Oh, I traced the origin of the pills back to his father. Annie had decoded the language on the side, and apparently, after some research on my part, had been a part of the original language. Must've been pretty important if his father wanted to set him up to take them and trick him into doing so."

"Tell me he stopped, though."

"Yeah, they're gone and out of his system." She gave him a playful nudge.

"See? You did something helpful. You aren't the fool you think you are."

"But I am."

"But back to the story."

"Right," Levi said, clearing his throat after taking another sip. "Then he went missing when he was last admitted into the hospital. I went to go find him, and traced it back to Kenny. But then again, I was unconscious half the time, so I don't remember half the shit that actually went down."

"I guess it's for the better. For both you and Eren. Does he know about his father...?"

"Oh, that? No, and I don't want him to find out, so you can't tell anyone."

"Okay. Secret's safe with me."

"Thanks."

A vibration in his pocket tugged him from the warm spot in the back of his head, and he stared at the caller ID.

"Who is it?"

"...It's Farlan's number."

"Go answer him, even if it is Kenny."

"You think?" He sent her a sidelong glance, but she shook her head.

So he tapped on the glowing screen, walking outside into the bitter cold without a jacket on and leaned against the side of the building.

"Hello?"

_"Hey, Levi. Long time, no see."_

The snow was falling softly on the tips of his hair now, covering his shirt and shoes with white. Winter had definitely arrived.

"You're supposed to be dead, you know," he said, his voice low.

_"Miss me, did you?"_ He chuckled. Farlan was talking to him, and the beautiful sound of his voice came back into his mind again. It'd been too long.

"I went to your funeral."

_"Sorry about that. It was kind of an urgent and we had an unexpected pack up. I should've told you."_

"What about Isabel?"

_"She's fine. Yourself?"_

"Okay. It's been pretty boring down here, especially now."

_"What happened?"_

"You know Eren?" Levi sank himself down on the cold ground, not yet covered by the snow but still freezing his ass off.

_"The cute boy who's got the most beautiful smile in the whole entire planet? Yeah, you might've told me about him once."_

"Okay. I thought you already _died_ when I met him."

_"I'm immortal, and you can't kill me."_ Levi chuckled, clutching the phone tighter.

"We broke up a few hours ago."

_"Oh? I didn't know you two were dating- ever."_

"Of course you didn't. I don't usually talk to the deceased."

_"Jeez, still on about that?"_ Farlan said, but then paused to take a breath. Or was he exhaling? Who knew. _"How did it happen?"_

"It was really all me. I was selfish and dragged him down when he should've been set free. He wanted to be a somebody, and all I did was give him a smaller chance at ever accomplishing that."

_"It's fine, Levi. You'll want somebody to blame, right? But not yourself. Just blame the universe and fate."_

"You really think that we're over?"

_"I don't know, Levi."_ He let out a breath. _"Why don't you see for yourself? If you want to fight for him, I know he'll stick around."_

"Whatever. It'll turn out right, somehow."

_"Do you want to talk to Isabel?"_

"Yeah."

_"Okay, she's right here-"_

_"Levi-bro! It's great to hear from you again!"_ Isabel. Of course, she hadn't changed in the slightest. But she had been declared dead. Hanji and Erwin came with him to their funeral, so was he actually just dreaming?

His hands started to shake, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "...Yeah, it is."

_"How have you been?"_

"Fine. What about yourself?"

_"Perfect! I just miss Levi-bro!"_

"That reminds me; where did you guys escape to?"

_"Russia. The old man's in Germany; doesn't even suspect a thing! He thinks we're dead."_

"That's good. I mean, for you guys."

_"Levi-bro must've been up to something. It's been so long!"_

"Ah, nothing, really. Just boring school and trying not to get kicked out and flunk, you know?"

_"Mm, but I'm sure you'll graduate eventually. Even if it takes ten years."_

"Stop talking nonsense. I'll get out this year, I promise."

_"Yeah! That's the Levi-bro I know. Wait, hold up. I need to hang up, somebody might be tracking us."_

"Okay-" _Beep_. The phone shut off, and it was colder now than ever.

When had the sun gone down? And when had the snow stopped falling? The street lamps had turned off, leaving him in complete darkness. Something hard hit his head. And then he was sweating. Or was it just because he was crying, again? He should've been rejoicing over Farlan's and Isabel's great and magical reappearance, but instead, it was Eren. Only Eren filling up his mind, but it wasn't horrible. Actually, it was nice.

The small smile he gave him, and the way his eyes lit up when he saw the painting of the butterfly on the wall. That had been so long ago, though. There was no way he still was the Eren from a year ago. Nobody was the same. Levi had probably changed, too. But not for the better.

" _Let's break up._ "

And he had accepted, agreed, and walked off. It was probably cold there, and he should be inside, warming up a spot in bed and welcoming Eren inside. But that couldn't happen anymore. It didn't seem right anymore.

The boy had become a stranger to him.

A car flew by the road, splashing water that had gathered in a puddle that usually never froze. Its headlights shone in Levi's eyes, and he fell to the ground, his head now on the cement. It was cold. His eyes were tightly shut, and his arms were burning where his hands were wrapped around them. The tightness he was squeezing them with would probably leave some bruises or marks.

Maybe he should've been stronger. A fighter. He should've fought for Eren.

But he hadn't, and now look where he ended up.

Something shuddered, and something clenched onto his sides, pinching him together and pinning him down to the ground. His cheeks stung, and the tips of his fingers had long since lost connectivity. It was so cold outside.

And then even colder liquid ran down his cheek, running over the bridge of his nose and landing on the ground, melting to the semi-layered snow.

It was dark. But the itching never came like it usually did. It never came to bother him and tell him be was worthless. A fool, maybe.

Was this real? Was this what he had done? His fault? It was all his fault. It had to be. Of course it was, since he had the chance to keep Eren. But Eren shouldn't be caged up and stolen away for one person. He needed to be free, and Levi had been the only person to keep him down. This was how it was supposed to be.

It was too late now to change the past.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me start off by stating that this chapter turned out to be pretty ass shit. Honestly, I don't like it at all. But I already have another one ready, so that'll be coming up in about an hour or so. Ps: victuuri is fucking canon, every precious OTP. Seriously, I've gotta at least do a one shot or something for them, they're precious. Comment your opinions, I love to hear them!

**21: Heavy**

Sunday. Snow fell fast, piling up on the streets and covering the branches of the trees that were naked. Nobody was strolling around the campus- actually, nobody was outside at all. The weather reporter said it was a low of 2 degrees Fahrenheit today. Levi hadn't come back through the door, and it was letting in a small draft.

Eren was lying on his bed, the only thing he really could stare at being the ceiling. It hadn't even reached the tenth of December yet, and it was already this cold, snowing out, and pelting 'no, don't go outside' warnings. And Levi wasn't perched on his counter, sipping out of the side of the cup of warm mint tea, and then walking over to Eren and pecking his lips. None of that happened since he had moved out. None of it had happened since he moved away to Germany.

Mikasa hadn't bothered to contact Eren since he was taken, and Sasha and Connie were still... Missing, torn from reality, or just avoiding Eren in general. It made enough sense, seeing that he was a sack of flesh that couldn't do shit.

Twenty minutes later- or what seemed reasonable enough to be, the door jingled and the knob started turning. Pattering on the ground, and a soft cough. It had to be Levi, but he wouldn't talk. Eren couldn't just talk to the man comfortably after recent events. But hey, those were his fault as well.

But the kettle brewed water, and keys were placed on the countertop. A sigh. Pinpricks were on him, running over his arms and legs, jolting him from the fuzzy place in his mind that had started taking over. But it had been so comforting, especially when his mouth refused to open.

Warm lights flooded the ceiling, and then there had been a voice. It was familiar, but all too strained. It was obvious Levi didn't actually want to talk to him. He'd screwed up every chance at being cared by somebody, and Levi just went with it. He still seemed fine.

"You still awake?"

"Mhm," Eren said, his eyes shutting closed when the footsteps came closer.

"Look, I'm sorry for not being there for you when I was gone for a year, and I really regret it." A light breath flew from Levi's lips. His words were so close, almost right next to Eren's ear. Too close. "And I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'll try harder."

"It's not your fault. It just wasn't working out."

"But I'm still sorry for everything I did, and _didn't_ do. I should've been able to be there for you."

"It was fine," Eren said.

"If it was fine that I put you through that misery for a whole year, and that I moved out and didn't say a word to you, then why aren't you mad at me more? Scream at me, tell me I'm a goddamn fool for ever thinking this would work out after I hurt you, and tell me that I'm worthless and a waste of time."

"I can't."

Levi's voice lowered, almost barking as he said, "Why, then?"

"Just because."

"That's not an answer."

"It is for me."

"But I need to know. Do you hate me? Do you never want to see my face again? Do-"

"It's not that. I don't mind. It just was never going to work out."

"Tell me why."

"Why?" Eren asked, his eyes flitting open, and he would've jumped if it weren't for his paralysis, because Levi was hovering over him, his eyes so close. He was so close, and all he had to do was tell him he was sorry. Sorry was all he needed, but what came out of his mouth? Right, anything but. "Because you've been hospitalized because of me! Because you've almost died in front of me- for my sake! Stop putting your life on the line-"

"Then shut up, and think about yourself for once! You've also been hospitalized- for far worse things than me, and I've been so worried through the whole thing, but that couldn't tell me enough to make me realize that it wasn't going to work! You never think about yourself, and this is what happens!" His lips moved from there, and nothing came out. Only his mouth in a repeated motion, barking at him with words so harsh. Things like a goddamn fool, brat, idiot, and then... Nothing.

He said nothing else, and his eyes closed. His perfect lips kept moving, and something rammed up against Eren's ribcage. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to put his feelings aside and forget about Levi. Let him finally be free, like he should've been from the start. Then Levi's lips turned up to a small smile, and those shining blue-gray eyes stared into his.

"Tell me I'm not just an idiot for still being in love with you."

"...No," Eren said, and a huge breathe left him, letting him collapse into the bed. "You're not an idiot, but this can't keep going. I'm only going to hurt you."

"So? I've already been shot, so what's holding you back?"

"...Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared of loosing you, and letting you go, but it's the best option for the best of us-"

"Please, Eren, stop thinking about me. Don't worry, I'm completely fine. See?" He lifted up his shirt, showing a bandage wrapped around his abdomen and a scar already forming from the surgery. It was ugly, because it reminded him that it was his fault his skin had become blemished.

"I know. I know you're fine. But I'm not, okay? It's still too soon to be thinking about this, yeah?" Levi sighed, pushing off from the bed. He should've kept his mouth shut, now and before. Then Levi wouldn't be angry with him. Was he mad? Or disappointed? Did he think Eren was being such an ass right now? Probably.

But who cared?

"Fine, I'm going to bed."

Was he pissed? Anything?

"Okay."

The lights went off.

That night hit an all time low. In the morning, the news was covering the lowest temperatures in five years, hitting -9 degrees. There wasn't much else to say besides the fact that Eren woke at three in the morning, half the blankets off- since he hadn't bothered to ask Levi to help him get in- it would've been too much of a hassle, so he was stuck for three hours until Levi woke up, frozen in bed, the lights off, and the light breaths coming from the other side of the room. Levi was sleeping peacefully, without thinking of Eren- probably. Who the hell knew what ran through his mind?

When Levi did rise, though, and opened the blinds to let some light in, the snow was up to the brim of the bottom of the windowsill, maybe a little lower. They sure as hell wouldn't be going outside soon.

Hot water was brewed, and Levi wore a robe after taking a shower, not even daring to make eye contact with Eren. It shouldn't have played out this way. He should've just left his feelings to himself from the beginning, and this wouldn't have to happen. Levi wouldn't have to avoid him, go through the trouble of taking care of him, feeding him, helping him out of his goddamn bed, and getting him through the snow to his classes. He shouldn't have to do anything, since it wasn't his problem Eren was a cripple.

That's just how he was born, and nothing was going to change that. He was a cripple, useless and a piece of shit that couldn't even manage to save the one person who threw his life out on the line for him more than once. He couldn't even say the same.

Why had Levi even bothered to keep up with the trail of chaos and issues he left behind? Because of pity? Did he feel bad for Eren, just because he never once had a person close enough to him to say that they were a friend? Sure, he had Mikasa, maybe Annie- probably not, Armin, and he had Levi. He had Levi once in a very long time ago, delusional and in a dream that soon crashed to the fucking floor. That's exactly what happened.

They jumped too soon. They had it coming for them. Eren wasn't the only one. Levi probably thought this was going to fail from the very beginning, but he kept with the brunet. Why? Why was he so special? Because he was paralyzed? Did Levi actually feel bad enough for him to kiss back? Maybe that part had been a ploy as well.

He didn't even have his own sister anymore. She never came around, and Levi was gone. Annie never visited, and Sasha and Connie disappeared. None of them could be blamed. He was a piece of shit, anyway.

Somebody cleared their throat. Oh, it was Levi. Shit, he was staring at him. Eye contact. This wasn't good. Something fluttered inside his chest. Levi made the noise again, sending the creeps up his arms. A cup of what seemed to be black coffee was in his hands.

"I didn't know you were a coffee drinker."

"I'm not. Didn't get any sleep last night, nor the night before that, I feel like shit, and I can't open my eyes."

"They're still open."

"I think I can put two and two together. Anyway, I was telling you that I'll be over Erwin's the rest of the day."

"Erwin?"

"Yeah, that's what I said. Don't know when I'll be back, so get Mikasa or somebody. Don't wait for me."

"O-Oh, okay."

"Good. I'll bring you to your first lecture, then I'll be off. Do you want me to call your sister?"

"No, it's fine." She wouldn't come anyway. It didn't matter if he called or not. She wouldn't pick up.

She hadn't talked to him since the hospital.

"Come on, then," Levi said, putting down the cup and grabbing a coat. Not even a glance back at Eren. What happened?

They used to be comfortable near each other. Even after they 'broke up', Levi had still done his best to accommodate Eren. But now... What happened?

"Shit, the snow's too high. Fucking..." Levi rattled the doorknob, but it wouldn't even budge. "Dammit, I thought they plowed earlier!"

"They did. The snow already filled back up."

"Gee, thanks. Obviously, I didn't already see that."

"Why're you so pissed at me?"

"None of your fucking business."

"Fine! It's fine, I guess."

Levi didn't respond. Instead, he kicked the door. The table quivered, and the beds shook. Jesus Christ, didn't he have anything better to do? Like, calling the snowplow guy? Yet yelling at the door was deemed more important.

The bedsprings squeaked, and Levi sighed, running his hands through his hair. He was on his bed, while Eren was looking at him near the door, on Levi's side of the room. His fingers covered his face, so there wasn't any way knowing whether it was safe to speak or not. Probably the latter.

"L-Levi," Eren said, but he stopped when there was a whimper. Was it a whimper? Close to one. A muffled noise, high in pitch and cutting through the silence like a freshly sharpened scythe. His back started to shake. Eren's eyes grew wider, yet there was nothing he _could_ do. Well, he could talk. "Wha-"

"Just shut up!" He just sat there, his head pressed into his hands, and no eye contact was made. Fair enough. He ventured too far, and now it was his turn to be yelled at. But Levi was mad at him. What had he done wrong now? Besides breaking his heart- well, there was no reason he shouldn't be hurting inside, but it didn't even seem like he was.

"I'm sorry."

"No, sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you." His head lifted, and his eyes were gray again.

What had happened?

"Are you okay?" He said instead.

He sighed. "Yeah. Of course, don't worry about me. Try worrying over that awful bedhead you've got going there." A small laugh.

"Hey!" Eren giggled. Levi ran his left hand through the knotted mess, ruffling it to make sure he looked okay. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't actually that bad. I'm just joking with you, Eren."

"Hmph." It was fine, but he had said his name. So casually and free-willing. Like it wasn't a struggle. So, Eren said, "...Levi."

"Yeah?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to say your name."

"Okay. Well, let me call the plow guy. Oh, and, Eren."

"What?"

"Nothing, you stupid dork. Just wanted to hear it."

"Hear what?"

"You know, your voice. It's a beautiful thing, even if I can't be close to you anymore." Levi's eyebrows furrowed, but he smiled. Well, the edges of his lips twitched upwards, so it wasn't actually a smile. If he could consider that a smile, he'd be wrong. His eyes didn't shine like they did once, long ago, when he used to flash him that rare smile that now became common. It wasn't as special anymore.

"Say it one more time."

"Hm? You're voice is beautiful." His face ran hot. But that was completely fine.

So maybe they weren't made to end up together. Maybe they had rushed things and were destined to end up this way, but it didn't matter. His lips turned upward, and he laughed.

"You know, somebody once told me that my laugh was beautiful. I beg to differ, but what the hell."

***

A pathway had been cleared, and Eren was in the car with Levi now, ready to drive off.

"Wait, I've got one thing I need to get. Stay right here."

"Don't believe me when I say I'm paralyzed yet?" Levi rolled his eyes, opening the door to invite in a huge gust of ice.

No music was playing, and it was silent. The heat wasn't on, either, so a tingling soon caught up to Eren's fingertips and toes. It was cold, to say the least. Negative nine, to be precise. The snow came down, both melting and freezing onto the car's windshield.

It had been three minutes by now, at least. Besides, he was already late, so what did another two or three make? Wait, it just made him even later. That was great. The teacher was going to rip his head off. The car was parked to the side, so the driver's side was on the inside to where the entrance of the parking lot was.

Levi must've left his phone in the car, since something buzzed and a screen lit up, making Eren's eyes widen slightly. But it was just the phone.

An unknown number. That was it. Levi started coming outside, his coat half on and half round his shoulders, head down, when there was a loud beep behind him. A screeching, plummeting horn, blaring into his head. Levi's eyes met with his, wide and unmoving. He couldn't turn around.

 _Just turn around, and just save him from what might come_. That was all he had to do. But despite the protests, his body refused to move. Just like always.

He was useless.

And then somebody was running towards him. Not all that fast, but the somebody was moving. Their arms moved upward, legs shoving through the layers of snow. It was Levi. He shouldn't be saving him- or even trying to. He should've stayed by the door, then this would all be over. Nobody would remember him, and everything could go back to normal. Levi could have a regular life if he hadn't stepped forward.

He was still so far away. His phone's display clicked off, the buzzing ceasing, and the pounding growing fast. A steady rhythm beating inside of him, pounding up against his chest. Levi wasn't supposed to save him this time.

Another blare of the horn. Tires screeched. The sound continued, as much as it should've gone away. They were going to hit him anyway, so why bother warning him after it was clear he was going to die? Maybe whoever was driving wanted Levi to get out of the way. The raven was too close to the car, almost near Eren's side of the door- which, if his memory is correct, faced the incoming car. He should've stayed back. But no words escaped his lips.

The male's eyes were wide, and hands tugged on the car handle. Nothing budged. Eren couldn't move, shift the lock to let him in, or tell him to go away. He probably wouldn't even hear, even if he tried. So he sat. He sat like the useless nobody he always was.

The next few seconds wrapped around the physics of the universe, slowing down so slowly Eren couldn't miss anything. Even when his eyes shut close, he still saw everything. First, Levi swung his body out of the way. The car, white and a low-rider, didn't slow.

Levi's hair whipped over his eyes, and he pulled on the car handle again. Nothing moved, nothing even twitched. He should've screamed out to Levi, saying "GET OUT OF THE WAY," or "LEAVE ME," but nothing came out. Until something cold slipped down his face. He couldn't wipe it away. Slimy and wet, it dripped. And he shook as Levi was staring at him. But he didn't move.

Then impact.

***

"LEVI! NO, L-LEVI!"

"Is he okay?!" A voice screamed. But there was Levi. His eyes were closed, and his face was white. His arm hung limp, smashed between the two cars. The glass from the window covered Eren's lap. A mop of black hair hung in through the wrecked window frame. He was supposed to stay by the goddamn door, watching Eren die. It wasn't supposed to-

A scream pierced his mind. Something warm and sticky dripped over his legs. But he couldn't look down.

It shouldn't have to end like this. A scream. It still continued. Nothing was right. The snow fell, and anywhere else, it would've just been a beautiful, normal day. His face was hot. Screaming at him to cool it down with anything. An ice pack, maybe. A bucket of cold water. The water in the upper north of the world. Yeah, that might've put out the fire.

But there was red _everywhere_. Broken glass and crooked metal. The headlights faded off, and everything went dark. But it was in the early peaks of the day. It shouldn't be black, should it? No, but red seeped into his vision. Even when he squeezed his eyes closed, and even when he let out a empty breath, red covered _everything_.

Where was Levi? Where was he now? Who was helping him? The same guy who crashed into his car? Was he around here, or did he run off? His eyes wouldn't open.

The right side of his face screamed. Thrashed around in pain, but he couldn't move. He was useless, as always. Everything hurt. But where was Levi?

Dead silence. Nothing more.

Footsteps ran towards him. The pitter of voices dabbled into his inner head, until it was so close. Might've even been on his ear, for all he could recognize. Something hit his neck, and everything froze. Was somebody doing this to him? Taking away everything else he had left for himself? His throat didn't budge. It constricted, tightened, and slowly stopped letting in air.

Arms wrapped around him the next second. Voices drilled through one side of his head, only to fly out the other. Somebody said his name? Did anyone know him? And where were they taking him? What happened to Levi? He was jolted, and soon was moving. His eyes remained focused on the sky. It was clouded over by the white from the snow. But the person holding him had arms so thick and sturdy, like they were never going to let go. And all he had to do was trust that he wasn't going to fall with every slow, heart thumping step up and down, presumably moving forwards. But where?

A shiver ran through him, but nothing happened. His body stayed completely still, his eyes refusing to move, and his breath refusing to come. It was suffocating, so goddamn suffocating. Especially without those eyes which had once set on his, telling him he was a idiot and smelled of honey, but told him that he wasn't useless and that he wasn't a fool for wanting to be normal for once. Something was slipped onto his face, and there was a flood of air running into his nostrils.

Bright, red lights blinked into view, and there were soon sirens. First footsteps, and then muffled voices.

His eyes started to droop, and pressure was added to his head. Maybe it was nothing. It just squeezed too tightly, and then his lids closed.

Somebody said, "Get the other! Why are you all just standing there?" Who was the _other_? Levi, or somebody else? The person who crashed into them?

All he had to do was trust the arms holding him steady, and the weightlessness that accompanied it.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the promised chapter I had set for yesterday at idk, ten PM? Yep. It's 11:30, and the editing job was brutal, so please forgive any mistakes or awkward phrases.

**22** **：** **ＬＥＦＴ** **ＢＥＨＩＮＤ**

_* * *_

The all too familiar building loomed ahead of the two, Eren and Armin. Cold wafts of air breezed over them as Armin pushed Eren through the snow covered path.

"You can back out now, if you want," Armin said.

"It's fine, Armin."

When they entered, the receptionist yelled them over, a piece of paper in her hands.

She said, "Hey, Eren! Long time no see- wait, never mind. I last saw you only a few days ago!" He had been released from the hospital three days prior, leaving the dorm empty. Levi was still in this goddamn asylum- hospital. "I just need you to sign some papers, and I'll buzz you in."

"Seriously?" Armin asked. "You're going through all this trouble still just because Eren wants to visit him?"

She frowned. "Well, yes. It's my job to do this, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave, unless-"

"Please, Armin. Just drop it." He glanced at him.

"Fine." The blond jotted down his name, Eren's, and some medical names, such as his insurance company, and so on.

Then get this. The minute they handed the papers back, she asked them to sit in the waiting room. Sure, it was unreasonable to just assume he'd get everything, but they'd been here enough times to be relatives- almost.

"How are you expecting us to do that? Is he being operated on? Is he dead? Is the doctor still not letting anybody in? Because I know that Eren's wanted to see him for way too long, and if you're just going to stop us here, I might as well-"

"Please!" Eren said, interrupting the blond. People stared. A kid started to walk up to them, his mother quickly pulling him back on the seat next to her. He still looked at them like they were aliens. "Does it really matter if we have to wait a few more minutes or not? I'm sure he's fine, so what difference is it going to make?"

"You know what? Lord, fine." He pulled Eren over, sitting down on one of the worn gray seats, one out of three that looked broken and about to fall apart.

"Why are you so mad?"

"I'm not," Armin replied, looking at him. "It's just... I know this is my fault. Everything I could say will never replace the guilt. I'm sorry, Eren."

"Why? It was an accident, and I know that. You didn't mean to hit the car, and because of some reason, the brake pedal wasn't working, and you couldn't control the car."

"I'm just being a burden to everyone, especially you."

"No, you're not. Really, Armin, it was a mistake-" A nurse came around the corner, a clipboard in her hand.

"Eren Jaeger?" His head snapped up. The blond behind him sighed, standing up to push him over. "Levi Ackerman is in room 439." Of course it was the one in the very back of that enormous hallway. It always had been.

"You ready?" Armin asked.

"Yeah, as much as I'll ever be." The pace they were going at went on forever, the door only getting farther and farther away. But somehow, they ended up in front of the towering white door, the label plastered on the front reading the name that was alienated and strange now, the room number to the left of it on the wall.

Voices echoed through the piece of wood. Some muffled, some others louder.

Armin opened the door, anyway. A buff, large-looking man perked his head up, his blue eyes striking into Eren's. If he could've shifted and squirmed around, he would. But he couldn't, so he played the staring game with the stranger. Until the other male broke contact, sitting upright.

"Ah, you must be Eren."

"Yes. You are?"

"Erwin Smith. We met earlier this year." _Erwin_. _Erwin Smith_? Oh, Erwin Smith. Of course; he was the one Levi mentioned three days ago, right before the accident. He was the one who introduced himself to Eren over a year ago, almost nearing two. What was he doing here?

"Is Levi awake?"

"Yes. You want to talk with him?"

He nodded. Erwin stood up, asking, "Have you seen him yet?"

"No," he said, but when he faced Levi, it became clear.

To say the least, Levi wasn't the same he was three days ago. His skin was whiter than fresh-fallen snow. Whiter than the nothingness that dotted the air. And his arm. His arm had grown thin. Bones protruded from his fingers and wrists. Wires ran in through his upper bicep down to the crease where his arm bent. A piece of metal, presumably the heart monitor, beeped. He was sickly, just like a ghost. And his left arm.

It wasn't there.

"L-Levi," Eren tried to say, but when those cold, gray eyes met with his, he stopped. Did he even want to see him? It had been his fault, after all, for this happening. Silence overwhelmed, drowning him. Muting him.

"You like it?" Levi laughed, raising his right arm, a piece of white fabric moving. Not his flesh. Not his arm, bones, the things that once carried him off to safety from the bridge, held onto him on cold nights, and ruffled his hair three days ago. Only a stub remained.

"W-Why...? I'm sorry, Levi. I should've come sooner-"

"Eren," Levi said. He didn't continue until their eyes met. "Please don't worry. It's going to heal in a few weeks. Maybe even sooner. Besides," he smiled, "I'm on a million pounds of steroids, so it doesn't hurt."

"But if... If I hadn't let you come close, you would still... I mean, if it weren't for me, you would still have it. When did this happen?"

"The night I came in. After they found a spot for me- wait, Eren, don't cry."

"I-I can't help it. I didn't even know this happened, and it's my fault." He didn't even remember seeing Levi's arm being crushed. Or maybe he had?

"It's fine."

"Is it really?" He said, Armin leaving his side, exiting the room and closing the door behind him. "Is it really okay that I keep forcing you to do things that you never wanted in the first place, and here you are? Is it really okay that you've lost your arm because of me?!" His voice cracked, making it sound more like a whining shriek instead of anything comprehendible.

"You just don't get it, Eren."

"What don't I get? What's there to get?" Levi frowned, his right arm moving over his stomach.

"It's because of you that I wanted to sacrifice myself. If I hadn't, what would've happened?"

"I'd still have been brought to the hospital, but you would be fine."

"What if the car hit you harder than it did? What if you had gotten hurt? What about me, Eren; have you ever considered I did it just because I _wanted_ to!?" They broke up, so it shouldn't matter, but...

"And what if I did?" Eren snapped. He didn't mean to. But the face he received was worse than death, or pain, or any type of suffering. Levi's eyebrows scrunched up, a frown laced across his mouth.

"And if you did... You don't get it." It wasn't him that didn't get it. It was Levi. Did he even know how much this hurt? If he hadn't still been in love with him, maybe it wouldn't be such a hard blow.

He loved him. Why didn't he get it? It was so simple and straight forward; the reason he cared was- but his mouth was already running again.

"Then tell me," Eren said. "Tell me why you can't bring yourself to keep safe, and why you hardly care that I'm the goddamn reason you lost your arm! If I hadn't been there, or if you'd backed away, none of this would've happened. Sure, I would get injured, _but I don't fucking give a shit anymore_. Levi, if I had died, you still would be-"

"Shut the hell up. You don't know what you're talking about, Eren-"

"I do! I do, I do, I do, okay?! I'm a goddamn prick for saying this, but I care about you, yeah? So just let me care enough to be mad at myself," Eren said. He closed his eyes, letting a breath of air pass his mouth, forcing his face to stop looking so worried with the wrinkles in his forehead. "Why can't you understand that I don't want you to keep sacrificing yourself for me?" Levi said nothing. When Eren opened his eyes, he said, "You should've just stayed by the door."

There was skin against skin, and a loud slap. His cheek burned where Levi had hit him, but the eyes he knew once so long ago were so close. Glaring at him. Telling him he was worthless and an idiot for trying. But that was just the truth, and he couldn't blame him. He really couldn't. The reason behind this was him. So Levi had every right to hit him.

Levi's voice was strained. "Why don't you understand yet?"

Then Armin rushed in to his side, looking from Levi to Eren, holding his face. It must've been tinted. Maybe he had heard something.

Armin said, "We need to get home. I'll tell you what it is in the car. Come on," he paused to look at Levi once more, taking the handles of the chair, "we need to hurry."

"Wait, Armin, what's the big rush? H-Hold on, wait. I haven't finished talking-"

"Oh, I think you've done plenty."

"What's this all about?"

Armin didn't reply. Instead, he was being hauled back out into the cold as the blond ignored the screams and protests from the receptionist.

When they were both out in the car, Armin turned to face Eren.

"I need to talk to you about something."

"What?" Eren asked.

"It's... The reason why I can down three days ago was because I needed to say something. Anything. I don't know how to tell you this."

"Just say it straight."

Armin raised his eyebrows, hands tightening on the wheel. "Mikasa, Eren, isn't who you think she is. She's..." He tapped on the steering wheel, refusing to look at Eren now. Who was Mikasa?

Sure, she'd been pretty closed up and away for the past week or so- the amount of time went by too fast to tell, and they had their difficulties, but she was still his sister. She was still the sister who had saved him from his father years ago, and nothing would change that.

"We're back. I'll get you out."

"Wait, Armin, tell me what you were saying."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated." He was moved to the worn chair which Armin pushed through the heavy snow, to the door. He had gotten a key to the place- after enough begging and pleading to Levi, of course. He couldn't just get in for free. The musty smell of locked air hit Eren's nose.

The lights were off, and it was silent. Levi didn't sit on the bed, didn't lean on the countertop, or smile at him the minute he saw his figure enter the building.

"It doesn't matter, really. I'm sorry for making you upset earlier."

"Huh? Not at all; it wasn't like that. I didn't mean to snap at you, and I need to apologize."

"...How much did you hear?"

"Of your conversation with Levi?" Armin asked.

A low, rumbling hum of agreement ran through his throat. "What did you hear?"

"I heard you two fighting... But I didn't get much time to eavesdrop, if that's what you mean. Erwin stopped me to talk."

"What did he have to say?"

Armin sighed. "A lot of crap. I can't explain, Eren-"

A hand wrapped around his mouth, shutting his mouth closed. Those blue eyes widened, and a muffled choke sounded.

"Don't move, or I shoot." There was a black gun pressed up to his face. _Wait, that voice_. It wasn't a man's. No, woman's. But did he know anybody who sounded like this? Yes, he did. Fucking hell, he did. But it couldn't be. She wasn't supposed to have a key to this place, let alone entry in. Did she sneak in when Armin let the door open?

It made sense now. The girl walked forward, revealing her red scarf, black hair, eyes that pierced Eren's insides. Armin had come to warn him.

"Why are you here, M-Mikasa?" He shuddered.

"Do you want Armin to live?"

"Why are you doing this?! You're my sis-"

"Shut up, boy. I was never your sister. They told you lies, Eren. Filthy, disgusting lies. No, no, no, Eren. I was adopted by Grisha when you were seven. God, you're such an idiot!"

"Why? Mikasa, that's Armin you've got your gun pointed at. M-Mika, please. What happened to you?"

"Fucking piece of shit."

The bullet shot. The ripping sound tore through the air. And his best friend's body fell limp to the ground, eyes closing.

"ARMIN!" He turned to Mikasa. "You bitch," Eren muttered, glaring at her. "H-How could you?"

She had been his only friend when he had been bullied, came home crying and weeping into her arms as she comforted him. She had been perfect then. There had been no signs of anything like this. Nothing to this extent.

A warm stream dripped from his eyes. He couldn't wipe it away. The worst thing to be doing was to cry in front of an enemy. Fuck it.

"I didn't know Armin was coming. What else could I do?"

His head hung to his chest. Cry all he wanted, it didn't matter anymore. Armin was gone. "IF YOU WERE HERE TO KILL ME YOU SHOULD'VE JUST DONE SO! WHAT HAPPENED TO PROTECTING EACH OTHER FOREVER?!"

"I'm sorry, Eren. I was sent here for one purpose, and," she nudged the blond with her foot, "I killed one too many. If it had been anyone else, they would end up the same way."

"Who the fuck are you?" His voice cracked when he looked at her. "I thought I could trust you."

"And that's exactly what happened, Eren. You trusted me too much. It's only going to bite you in the back." She handled the gun, pointing it at him. "And now, my brother, it's time for you to die."

***

His eyes squeezed shut, but nothing happened. The gun never went off. When he looked, Mikasa wasn't standing in front of him, instead being somebody else, a knife in their hands. The person's hands trembled, and their eyes locked onto Eren's.

"P-Petra?" She stood in front of him, instead of his sister. Mikasa's body collapsed to the floor, next to Armin's.

"Are you hurt?"

He shook his head. Everyone had left him, but that should've been normal by now. But it tore. Ripping into his flesh and tearing his face apart to the bones, burning his feet that he could never feel, and pricking the eyes he cried out of. Even though he'd not known Armin for long, the precious years they spent were worth a lifetime, at least before he left for school in England. He came back for him, though. Just like Levi.

And that's why they were held so close. But now he lost his best friend. Why? Why couldn't he just get a goddamn break?

"I need to take you to the hospital. Levi said he needed to talk to you about something," Petra said.

"W-What? Wait, I can't go there-"

Her lips moved, but nothing came out. She picked him up- and Petra was a whole shit stronger than she looked- and brought him into a stranger's car. Petra's blue SUV, and she strapped him in.

He didn't say a word in the car, each stop sign and red light becoming excruciatingly long, instead staying silent. Everything slowed. Everything killed. Like the pain people got from growth spurts, falling on cement, or being physically punched. Although it doubled this time, digging into his head and pounding at his ears, ringing and thumping and jolting him. 

"Let Levi explain everything to you, okay? If he's ready, I mean," Petra said, after a while.

They hit a bump in the road.

Each storefront and passerby flashed across the window. Everything blurred. "Why is everything going so fast?" Eren said, whispering. Did Petra hear him?

A few minutes later they arrived at the same building he was at only an hour ago. Was it only an hour? Maybe it had been, more or less. The trees seemed to sweep the ground with the pounds of snow packed onto them, and there was a person outside the building, leaning on the left pole. It looked a hell of a lot like Levi. But he might just be imagining it.

"Let me just tell you something before you go in," Petra said, pulling him out of the car. She hadn't even bothered to get his wheelchair in the rush. "Whatever happens, Levi doesn't hate you, okay? No matter what you _do_ , _say_ , or anything. And if you need somebody to protect you while you relax, lean on Levi. Don't trust _anybody_ else."

"W-Wait, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Doesn't matter. I don't have any more time. Get inside; go find Hanji _alone_. She'll explain everything if Levi can't." Thrown up on her shoulder once again, they were moving towards the building.

The man outside had a hood on, but it wasn't Levi. A cigarette in his hand, he glanced at them while they rushed past, but didn't do anything else.

145.

198.

231.

376.

439\. Levi's room, the door ajar. Inside, Levi was sitting on the edge of the bed, and Erwin was still there. Fucking Erwin Smith, helping him out of the needles poking into his arm and neck, pulling on his socks for him. Maybe this was a bad time. He should back out now when he still had strength to face Levi. He had become a stranger.

"Levi, I have Eren," Petra said. "Erwin, I'm sorry. You have to leave."

The blond nodded, pushing up from the bed, letting out a few squeaks, and turning around to face Eren on Petra's shoulder. "Good day, Eren. Petra, please take care."

"I will." Obviously, they had their share of secrets that they kept from him, but what? What was so important? He was seated on the chair near Levi's bed, his head propped back so he wouldn't fall forwards. "I'll get a wheelchair."

Once she had left, Levi said, "Hey."

" _Hey_? All you have is 'hey'?"

He frowned. "What happened?"

"What do you mean, _what happened_?"

"You were here earlier today, and now you're back. You wouldn't just be coming to see me, especially with Petra bringing you. Mikasa or Armin would do that."

_Armin_. The blond who stuck by his side since they met when the three of them, Mikasa and Armin and Eren, were only children. "How can I trust you?" And damn his voice for cracking from the rawness that came with screaming. "How can I know it's really you that I'm talking to?"

"What? You always have. What's going on to make you think I'm not Levi?"

"You're the one behind this! You've been all this time, and now I'm just falling into another trap!" He said in a high-pitched scream like monstrous and demented voice.

Levi must've gotten out of bed and knelt down to where he was, because a hand shook his shoulder not seconds later. "Get a grip on yourself, Eren. What happened?" Levi barked at him. Maybe he'd chosen the wrong person to trust.

"Mikasa's not the person I grew up with anymore. She was a monster. I saw it with my very eyes."

"Saw what?"

He tried shaking him off, but as always, he stood still. "I saw her kill Armin."

"When?" Levi's voice quickened.

"Right after we got home. Armin was about to tell me something about her. Something, but then he was killed. Murdered in front of me! What did I do?!" Wet trickled down his face. But he couldn't stop it. "I just sat there and let him die! How can I trust you when you could just be the same and try to kill me next?"

"Because I'm on your side, Eren, and I always will be."

"And how can you prove that to me?" Levi's hand trailed to his face, propping it so he faced him. He couldn't move if he wanted to. "How can I know that this past year hasn't just been a lie?"

"You think I'd go and rescue you from the bridge if I was only going to turn on you? You think I'd save your life if my mission was to kill you?"

"Yes. I do, because you're not as evil as others see you. If you saw a stranger being thrown over the side of that bridge I bet you'd still save them. It didn't matter that it was me."

"That not true. You think I'd go and find you when you disappeared if I planned to kill you?" Levi asked, his eyebrows knitted together and his grip tightening.

"Yes. Mikasa did, for sure, play a good part as a sister for the time. And I didn't even suspect a thing. How can I know you're not the same?!"

Levi said, "When I went to Germany, I didn't meet your father. I never was even close, for fuck's sake. But I learned something; I can't bear to be away from you for a year. And when I came back, I wanted to suspect Mikasa to be behind something. But I didn't know anything yet, so I didn't want to worry you."

"You should've worried me, honestly. I could've known. I could've been able to do something."

"No. It turned out better this way," Levi said, his eyes glaring into Eren's. "If I'd told you, you'd be throwing your life on the line to keep those you keep close safe. And don't think I wouldn't do the same thing for you, because I would."

"I need you to trust me like I trust you!" The expression on the raven's face was priceless. Hurt mainly describes it. "And let me tell you how much I trusted you with my life! Was that a mistake as well?! Tell me the truth; are we really over? I need to know, because I want to get on with my life, but I can't bear to let you go! It's goddamn selfish for me to do; I know."

"Please don't do that."

"What?"

"I think you know perfectly well what you're doing. You're manipulating me and playing the guilty card. Please don't do that to me."

"I just need to hear it!" Eren said, his voice in a shrill scream. Louder and more deafening than that of a siren. "I just need to hear that you'll have more faith in me than I do you, and that you'll protect me like we promised. Do you even remember?! You promised me we'd be forever-" Sobs interrupted him. He didn't mean to.

But then Levi's hand snaked under his hair, holding his neck so he couldn't look away. His eyes pierced him, telling him things he'd never be able to understand, due to his incompetence. His face drew nearer, and time slowed. Each second ticked by; each millisecond froze. And then Levi's lips were on his, pushing hard but with caution at the same time. When Levi pulled away, his lips laced with a lopsided grin, and his face relaxed. He still held onto Eren, but they were farther apart.

"W-What was that for?" Eren asked. Only because he shouldn't feel the tingling on his lips and the ramming in his chest anymore. They'd done this a thousand times, and it couldn't happen anymore, because they'd broken up. But it shouldn't have sent him to a euphoric heaven, looking at Levi. The way his eyes sparkled. The way he smiled.

"Put more trust in me, Eren. I'm going to protect you till the end of time, so rest yourself on me until then. I'll return you safely every time, yeah?"

"Yeah," Eren said. He'd betrayed Armin by doing this. He had let go of every sense of his last strings of sensibility of what was right and wrong. A tear slipped down his cheek, but he must've still been smiling. "I'm sorry for being so greedy-"

Levi pressed his lips onto his once more, this time heavier and deeper. Fingers tickled the back of his ear, playing with the strands of hair that fell out of place.

"Just shut up for once, you idiot. I love you, okay? I'd never go behind your back; you're safe with me, okay? So have some faith in me; I'll come around."

And even though Levi had never used the 'l' word before, they had exchanged 'I'm in love with you's' and such, but never this.

So he cried all night long, until the sun rose and the only thing that got him out of Levi's bed was the blinding sun from the curtains they never closed. He cried and told Levi about the things he and Armin had gone through, but each and every time, Levi would kiss him once and wipe his tears away, humming to his idiotic tendencies to cry each and every time.

They stayed together, just watching the sun creep up the sky until a nurse rapped at the door, the doctor following the white clothed helper. He said Levi wasn't being released until two days after Christmas- two weeks from that day.

And Eren's heart broke again.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been procrastinating this enough, so let's just go with the unedited version. Please feel free to point out any mistakes or typos xD. I have one more, then I'm working on a third, but I haven't gotten around to editing any of them yet. Whoops.

**23: Lights**

Warmth streamed in through the tinted windows, hitting the pews and the pictures on the wall. Silence filled the church as the priest walked past the isles. Eren sat in his wheelchair next to the first line of seats, Levi right next to him. A man with blond hair greased back and a tight black suit sat a row across from him, staring at the casket on the raised platform.

Two days ago, Eren and Levi had gone back to their dorm, collecting up the brunet's friend. Two days ago, Mikasa's body had been sent back to France to be cremated.

But now, Sunday morning, only ten others besides the two had arrived at the funeral. One of those who claimed to be Armin's father, after greeting the few people at the funeral home. And even though sun and light poured into the open building from the windows to the side of the rows and in front of the tabernacle, shivers ran up Eren's cheeks and face. He was placed at the end of the row near the outside, with Levi's hand holding his, although the action didn't make a difference. He couldn't feel Levi's joyous warmth and calmness and peace and reassurance. He couldn't look up and over to see that Levi's eyes were on him, although spots dug into his face, as if Levi touched him. Pinpricks, but nothing more.

Now, Sunday morning, at three o'clock in the afternoon, the chunky man clad in white held up his hands, muttering words only to be muffled by the time they reached Eren. Levi had opted to wear a dark gray suit, hugging his legs and a blue tie. His hair had been slicked back, a few strands straying from their uniformed pattern. But beauty and grace was all he had been when he walked out the door that morning to go to the funeral home, his lips sealed tightly and arms firm when he had tucked Eren into the backseat of his rental gray car, the rumble of the engine as they rolled off to the main road. Levi had been released to bring Eren to the burial today, and then he'd be sent back to the hospital.

He only had a bandage underneath the suit's left sleeve.

A low voice snapped Eren from his thoughts, and Armin's father stood up on the podium, not looking at anything, really.

"From all the years I knew Armin, I never would've thought it could come to this. He left his family and friends to study abroad in England, and he would've graduated next year. But he gave up his degree in order to take care of a friend here in this humble town. In fact, he's sitting in the first isle.

"When Armin was born, I remember his mother holding him in the hospital. She told me he was going to be great, bold, courageous, and a leader. And hell he was, because he fought every last day he lived, making it the best he could. But when Armin turned six, his mother died from lung cancer. He blamed himself, and kept bringing flowers to her grave each Saturday.

"And then he met two really great people, Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman. When I found out that Eren's sister, Mikasa, had killed him, I tried to grieve. And I'm sure everyone else did as well, but I couldn't. No matter how many times I tried to remember him, I couldn't. Kept pulling a blank, and this is what I'm stuck with. I can't bear to see him go, and I know that his mother will welcome him into Heaven where he'll rest safely," he said, stopping to wipe his eyes. His gaze darted to Eren, almost daring to look him over, and it seemed as if he said Eren couldn't have been any more of a bad friend, letting him die. That had to be the truth.

"Let me just wrap this up. Armin had been surrounded with friend who all cared about him immensely, and even though I can't tell him now, I wish I had said that I had loved him and supported him more before he died." He stepped down from the elevated area, making his way to his seat.

Everyone knelt down, their hands clasped and their lips sealed. Levi released his grip, repeating the action and kneeling down in front of him. Eren couldn't do any of this. He couldn't pray the correct way, instead just staring at the white podium in front of him.

Armin would've let him laugh then. Or whisper to him in the back, laughing as they made jokes about the person's ugly sister. But there wasn't a blond to talk to. So he kept quiet, until a piano started. People shifted, waiting for something to happen.

The priest walked down the isle, another man that must've ate too many cookies following. Then everyone stood up, exchanging hugs and talking to each other.

Something trailed across the back of his ear, and Levi's face entered his line of vision. His lips moved, but nothing came out. Like being underwater, all sounds faded before Eren could listen to them. Then lips pressed to his, pulling away and moving to his forehead. At some point Levi had grabbed his hand, because he then pressed a kiss onto his fingers.

Eren couldn't control his shaking as strangers looked at him. They all judged. But he had grown used to it. He couldn't control the racking and shuddering his back made when Levi wrapped his arms over him, lips moving against his ear. Then the raven wiped at his eyes with his fancy outfit, dirtying it, no doubt. He must've been crying.

But why tear up now? He couldn't stay strong and cry at the same time.

He'd known Armin very little after he came back to him, but they connected like best friends again. Maybe too soon? If he hadn't let him in, he'd still be there, taking care of him while Levi was stuck in the hospital. If he figured out that Mikasa had been up to something, Armin would've stayed put at home and not have gone to visit him. Then maybe he wouldn't have ended up dead.

Blackness. Then blinding white when he opened his eyes. When did he close them? A women with gray streaked hair and a smile lighting up her faded blue eyes crouched in front of him. She had blond hair that fell, halfway parted, over the bridge of her nose. Levi had backed off to the side, but he still stood in view.

"Hey," she spoke in a high, prissy tone. But not the type that frightened him. Welcoming, like a mother's soothing voice. "You must be Eren?"

"Yes," Eren said, but his voice faltered.

"Armin told me a lot about you when he was studying under me. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. Here, I'm Victoria Reiss. Armin was my very best protégé at the University of Sina. I was his English teacher."

"Oh."

"Yes. You've played a huge part in his life; you know that?"

"No. No, I didn't. I didn't know he talked about me."

"Oh," her eyes lit up, "very much. When he chose to leave, he told me that a friend was waiting for him there, and he said he missed you too much to continue his last year."

Eren didn't respond when her eyes trailed down his shaking body.

"He never mentioned anything about a handicap, but that makes you even better for him."

"How... How could that be?"

She smiled. "That's because he had something to protect back here, and that means he didn't leave anything behind when he died. He fought for what he wanted, and you were able to see him last. That makes you special."

"He was murdered. And I was the reason."

"I know. He died too soon, but you shouldn't be to blame. Anything but. He thought great of you, and if you were to blame yourself and wallow in sorrow for the rest of eternity blaming yourself, it would do his legacy no good. So get off your butt and work on fulfilling any dream you have, okay?"

"Mhm. But how? I'm just a cripple."

"What is it that you want?"

"A wish? A want? Besides being normal... I don't know." His gaze darted from hers. Maybe the action had been to doge Victoria Reiss, or because Levi's tinted blue eyes landed on him. "I'd want to hold onto something for once."

"What does that mean?" She didn't sound demanding. Only interested.

"It wouldn't matter, anyway."

The women sighed. "Well, if you have any questions, feel free to call me. I'll give you my number, okay?"

"Sure." She slipped a business card to Levi, telling him something. He nodded, putting the card into his pant pocket.

"Eren," she said. He looked towards her, and she continued, "I just want to say that I'll be here for a few days. I'm visiting my niece, Historia. Actually, you might like her. So call me over, and don't be afraid to do whatever it is you want, whatever that might be." She laughed, filling him with heat.

"Thanks." The women turned and left, waving a hand behind her.

Only a scraggly man remained, huddled into the corner of a booth. What he could be doing there, Eren didn't know. The priest had left, and so had all of the guests. But where? As Levi started to push him towards the door, he asked, "Where to?"

"The cemetery. After the church gives an appreciation ceremony, they go to the cemetery Armin's going to be buried in. Then the host usually holds a dinner at some restaurant, or someplace else. I've only been to one funeral before, so I'm still not that familiar with the subject," Levi said.

"Oh. Who was it for?"

"That doesn't matter. Anyway, do you want to go?"

"I have a choice?"

"You're not Armin's father or family, so yes. But I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you did."

"Okay," Eren said.

Once Levi packed him shut in the rental, buckled him, and pressed a kiss to his forehead, they drove off, past the small road that led into the church's parking lot, and past the daycare across the street from the white building. No music played, and the awful smell of the rental car drafted up Eren's nose. Nothing could get much worse. Well, except the small, frail boy laying on the side of road.

***

" _Holy shit!_ " Levi said, swerving the car. Ice packed the sides, salt trailing across the middle of the highway road. Everyone else behind them stopped, piling out of their cars to see what had happened.

Eren, remaining in the back of the car, couldn't see jack shit. The car didn't move, and the shivering tingles across his neck told him Levi should move.

" _Oh my gosh!_ " Somebody said.

Another unknown voice said, " _That poor boy._ "

" _What happened?_ "

" _Who are you?_ "

" _Get him in the car!_ "

The car door opened, and a body was thrown into the back. Black hair stuck out of the brown hood covering him. The person had been a guy. Only a few years younger than Eren, perhaps.

"Uh," Levi said. Eren's head turned up to look at him, and two eyebrows creased together, forming the lines Eren had removed years ago. Or he thought, at one point, that he had. "Is it okay if we pick up a hitchhiker?"

"He's obviously knocked out cold. What's going on?" Eren asked.

"He was in the middle of the road. Still moving, in fact."

"He isn't anymore."

"Ah, shit. Is he alive?"

"I think so."

"Good," Levi said, as a raven haired head popped through the driver's side of the car, and a hand wrapped around the headrest, "make sure to tell him what happened if he wakes up."

"Okay, yeah," Eren said, muttering as his breaths became shaky and the cold seeped into his bones. Levi must've noticed, because he closed the door behind him and sat down in the left-hand seat. The line started moving again, and strangers went back to their cars.

After a few seconds, Levi said, "She was nice. Victoria, I mean."

"Yeah, I guess."

"What do you mean, _I guess_? What wasn't there to like?"

"I mean, sure. She seemed nice, but first impressions are always wrong, right?"

"Were you wrong when you first thought I was a hunka babe, and you couldn't keep your eyes off me?" Levi faked a flattered bat of his eyes, and a hand swept over his shoulders. Obvious diva.

" _Levi!_ " Eren said, air hissing from his teeth. Levi chuckled, replacing his hands on the wheel. Whiteness covered the windshield, but a swipe up cleared it. "I never thought that. It's just that I've been wrong about too many people to take another chance, you know?"

"I guess. But I didn't turn out too bad, did I?"

"No," Eren said with a light breath. But a stirring beside him interrupted his next sentence. Brown eyes stared at him, the guy already sitting upright.

A groan. His spine cracked. He yawned. "Hm? Where am I?"

Levi said, "Oh, you know, I found you in a garbage can. You must've thrown yourself in. Like shit, how desperate are you to die? And now you're here."

" _Levi_ ," Eren said, his voice low and grumpy. "You found him on the middle of the road freezing to death."

"Huh? I was at my friend's house. _Where are you taking me?_ " His voice rose to a panic, and his darkened eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlights of a car in the middle of the freezing night. Except for it being night, it certainly was all that.

"Cemetery. You like them?" Levi asked, huffing out a breath.

"Oh, yeah. Sure, I _love_ them."

"Good. Now I'd appreciate it if you shut up and let us get there in silence."

"Old man's rude, huh?" He said to Eren, pointing at Levi's immediate scowl. When Eren said nothing, he spoke again. "Yeah... I wonder how you do it. Is he always like this?"

"No. He's nice to people he likes."

"So... Nobody?"

"Yes. Nobody."

The boy looked at Eren now, staring at his predicament. "What's wrong with you?"

"Excuse me?" Eren raised an eyebrow. Levi flicked both of their foreheads when they stopped in a standstill. Who was this boy? Why did he have to be here?

"Didn't I tell you to keep quiet?" Levi asked.

"Yeah."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I'm talking. Blah, blah, blah."

"Okay, shut the fuck up, or I'll tear your goddamn mouth off after sewing your lips together. You better watch your fucking back-"

"Levi! Stop already, both of you!" Eren said.

The raven ignored him. " _Do you want me to throw you out of the window? Because I can arrange that!_ "

"Sure. I'd like to see you try, old man." And from there on out became a blur. Hands thrashing at each other, and Eren couldn't back away. His lips had been sealed, and the inside of his mouth dried out. Screaming. Some more shouting and the horn beeped. The boy's hood had been ripped off, and he lay on the seat on his back, his hands spread out, and heavy breaths racking his chest. "Okay. Old man has game. I give up. Take me to your dungeon."

Levi whacked his head. " _I told you we're going to a cemetery!_ "

"But that's what you want me to believe. How can I know for sure that you're not just going to a torture lair to kill me? You could be a hitman for all I know!"

" _I'm not_. Do you see this line of cars? It's a goddamn funeral procession. So shut the hell up for a bit, _goddamn_."

"Old man has a snarky tongue." This had Eren laughing, whether he wanted to or not. Levi glared, but the line still stayed in a stop, so he didn't swerve or shift. But then tears streamed down his face, and two sets of eyes landed on him. They didn't have to be there, but for all he fucking knew they thought he lost it. Laughing to crying, who wouldn't think he was insane?

Blond hair. Blue eyes. This was how Armin and Eren met, just slightly different. It had been a cold day when the two bullies started to beat up Armin. But Mikasa stopped them, and Armin had been unsure of whether they could be trusted yet or not. Eren had to tell him that they were the same. Poor, lost, and helpless for him to give in. Honestly, the method would fail in this situation, but success came last.

But the situation differed this time, as well.

Armin was dead.

Had they stopped looking at him? Fuck, Levi probably thought he was hopeless. Because he never would be anything but a cripple. And Armin now left him, along with Mikasa who had never been there in the first place.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Don't talk that way. You okay?"

"Hey! Don't walk on me!"

"I don't shitting care. Eren, are you okay?" These voices... One of them had to be Levi. But the other? He didn't fucking remember.

Something warm trailed up his face. Why couldn't he swat it away? " _Don't touch me._ " Levi? Was Levi there? Had that been Levi that he shoved away? "S-Sorry. I didn't mean-"

"You know what? I get it. You're just angry at everything right now, so it's fine." The warmth retracted. It didn't have to leave.

"No! That's not what I meant. I-I mean..." Wait. They weren't alone anymore, right? He couldn't do anything. Couldn't apologize, couldn't tell him his outburst had been a reflex. That boy stared at him, paralyzing him more. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. I know. It's going to be okay, hm? D-Don't cry anymore, yeah?" A hand wiped at his eyes. They became blurrier. His face burned. But a cool touch calmed him and soothed his heart that slammed out of his chest like a sledgehammer.

"Don't look at me." Maybe he said that because of the third person in the car. Or because of Levi. Levi shouldn't have to see him so ugly and gross. Although he already had, a million, maybe more, times. Who counted? " _Don't look at me!_ " Pinpricks and tingles on his face. That only happened when somebody stared at him for too long. How long?

How long had he humiliated himself? How long until the traffic started back up again?

Something warm muffled his voice. He must've been screaming or wailing or any other disgusting noises possible, because that's just how he is. Disgusting. A snot. Something warm ran down his cheeks, but that other warm something wrapped two arms around him, mumbling incoherent words. But they helped. The warmth told him that he could let go. Let go of the fears. To let go of the tickle itching at his throat, urging him to scream more and to make a fool of himself in front of a complete stranger. Especially Levi. What would he think? About him?

He'd think he was a fool. Just like everyone else. Love didn't matter here. The thought of loving somebody is just a word. A mere thought, destined to fade off eventually.

Then why hadn't Levi retreated yet?

"You okay?" A soft voice said. Whose?

But he muffled out a hum. And the ringing in his ears silenced. The beating in his chest slowed, and the tears ceased.

"I'm sorry," Eren said.

***

Rain. The pitter patter of it falling on Eren's head, hands, and face. What a beautiful day. After Levi and Eren had arrived at the cemetery with everyone else, the sky darkened and water came dripping down. The priest didn't seem to care when the clothes once made to stay dry got drenched and stuck to his overhanging stomach. Not fat, in fact, but he had a morsel too many sweets.

His voice droned on, and the cherry wood casket sat in the hole, under a white tent. Everyone wore black, or some version of black. Eyes dropped to the ground at any sign of contact, and touches only passed between families and married couples. Well, except for Eren.

Levi placed a hand on Eren's head, ruffling his hair. Because he couldn't feel him anywhere else. His delicate fingertips running through his blades of hair, twirling the locks between his first and second, and gently tugging on an occasion.

Then the blond haired man stepped up, kneeling down beside Armin's casket. His father that Eren never met. Until now. Would Armin be mad? Disappointed that Eren never asked what type of man he was? Angry that he couldn't cry for him?

Because no tears formed when Eren stared at the wooden coffin. A couple sniffles around him, but not his. All the years he spent next to Armin, all the memories they shared, and he couldn't even bring a tear or regret to aide him. No, he had regrets.

He should've screamed for help the minute he saw Armin's blue eyes widen. He could've talked Mikasa out of killing him. He could've done _something_ , but all he did was sit there. What else should've he done?

A chill breezed over him, and Levi's hand stopped. Instead, it disappeared, moving to clasp his other, holding them in front of him. Praying? To Armin? To his family?

Did Armin only have his father? He mentioned once something of his grandfather, but if he still lived, he didn't show.

Before Armin entered Eren's dorm, he also said something about somebody. _Mikasa_. Something about her. But then he died from her hands, and he couldn't say anything more than what Eren found out about his sister. That she, the person he grew up with, betrayed him. A filthy, disgusting lie. Just like him.

Everyone lifted their heads. Almost as if they stared at Eren. Judging him. He had been the one to kill Armin. And he deserved every judging glare.

After what seemed like hours, cars pulled out of the narrow lines, getting the hell out of here. To someplace better. Levi took Eren to the grave, where Armin's father still lingered.

The boy they picked up a few minutes ago sat on the hood of Levi's car. And boy did the raven glare at him. But they made their way over to where the blond man stood. His eyes trained onto the casket, which hadn't been buried yet.

Eren must've been staring, because the man said, "Ah, Eren? Thank you again for coming."

"Pleasure's mine, Mr. Arlert."

"Please," he held his hand up to his head, "no need for formalities."

"Surely, mister."

"Anyway, I was wondering how you and Armin ended up becoming such good friends? Because of..." His eyes trailed to Eren's body, but stopped with a coughing hack. "You know, being like that. Armin threw his life and future away for you, and why? I only need but to know that, and then I'll leave you gladly alone furthermore."

"You know how we met, mister. At least, I think you do."

"Yes, yes. Must be a sensitive topic, seeing that he's-"

Levi cut in, saying, "We should be going. I've got to get back to the hospital." Then his arm became the star of attention.

Mr. Arlert said, "You must've been through a lot. I'll leave you two alone, and take care of the kid back there."

"Sure thing, Mr. Arlert," Levi said, pushing Eren forward. The blond moved out of the way, tugging on his black trench coat, walking over to the only car parked far enough to be his. Actually, only two cars remained, Levi's rental and Mr. Arlert's. Levi said, "You okay for a bit?"

"Yeah," Eren said, mumbling. But Levi heard him enough to back away a few feet. And then cold settled into his bones.

Pots of flowers rimmed the tent, ready to be planted the minute the grass grew in. Probably donated by family. Or the church. Although the peak of December receded, sun still peaked out from the little clouds floating in the sky, and warmth used to drift around the air. Then why did shivers run down Eren's neck? Because Levi's body heat no longer pressed up against him?

"Guess you're mad, then?" Eren let out a small chuckle, letting the words pass in quiet whispers. But the message didn't see itself through. Because Armin never replied. Just the wind whipping his hair around and Eren couldn't see a damn of his friend. Heat boiled in his chest. Then it cramped, beating and stiffening and going around again. He couldn't breathe. No, nothing passed his throat. And he suffocated. But did he deserve it?

For abandoning Armin? For not fighting to keep him longer? Or did that end his already foretold end? What if Eren tried anything to stop Mikasa? Would she have stopped?

Something twisted into his hair. Delicate fingers ran down his neck, stopping at the dent where he stopped feeling anything. And Eren leaned into the touch, because Levi had to be the one standing behind him. That's right. He would always be there, whether Eren wanted it or not.

And that could be a good thing.

"It's okay to cry."

"No. No, not in front of everyone," Eren said, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Who would be everyone?" Levi said. "We're alone. And if you mean that boy, I'll get rid of him for you."

"No, That's not it. I mean you, Levi. I can't... I just can't in front of you."

"Since when?"

"Now. From now on, I won't cry-" Levi's warm hand wrapped around his jaw, rubbing at his chin. Then his upside-down face came into view, in his peripheral vision. Levi's mouth stayed right at his ear, and his lips tickled the tips of Eren's ear.

"Nobody's going to hear."

***

The ride home the boy made fun of him and Levi, taunting him at every chance he got. Telling him he could grow a beard and finally pull off the 'old man' look. And Levi tugged on the wheel just to throw him to the side. He did keep quiet after that.

"Where were you heading?" Levi asked, passing the Rite-Aid that bordered their campus.

"No idea," the kid replied, his head swiveled to look out the window. "You say you found me in the middle of the road, but I highly doubt that."

"By the way, what's your name? I need to call you something else than a fucking brat, you know," Levi said.

"Hm." The boy chuckled. "Max."

"Okay, Max the fucking brat it is," Levi said, no humor lining the joke.

"And you, Levi the old fucking man."

"Don't play that with me."

"Whatever. Who's the crip?"

Levi frowned. "You mean Eren?"

"Yeah, whatever," Max said.

"You know I'm right here," Eren muttered.

"And you know I'm not deaf when I say you're a crip."

" _Oh, thanks,_ " Eren said.

Max continued, "But seriously, how did you get like that?"

"Born with it."

"How?" Max turned to face Eren, his brown eyes eyeing him. "I've never heard of such a thing."

"Dunno. My father hated me because of it. Said he would've been better off without a child."

"And your mom?"

"Dead," Eren said, but so low Max didn't hear anything. Or at least possibly, because he might've. He just chose to ignore it. And that's the way the whole ride home went. Shattering silence, as two fingers tapped on the door arm rest. Max bored himself to sleep, and Levi never said anything until he turned into the familiar driveway. From the accident he installed chains on his wheels to prevent slipping. Maybe he did it to calm Eren.

But whether or not he had been intentional, it worked.

The keys jangled into the lock, and they left Max snoring in the back of the car. Levi threw off his suit, changing into a pair of sweats and a loose, light blue shirt. But he lingered a minute too long at the mirror, staring at the obvious half of him that he missed.

Because of Eren, he no longer had his left arm. And he reassured the boy twice after returning into clear viewing distance that he felt fine. And Eren believed it while his right hand ran through his hair.

And then Max screamed.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how to fucking write. Read end notes for more shitty excuses.

**25: Eclipse**

_December 25; 5:00 PM_

Petra picked Eren up the following day once the doctor released him with signed paperwork and everything. Levi and Eren said their goodbye's as Petra packed up the room and loaded Eren into her minivan.

The same car that took Eren home a million times. Brought destruction. Caused nightmares. Created happiness. But what could make joy in the tiny room Levi once shared with Eren? A year had passed, and what did anybody expect Eren to do? Lie around and pretend everything really could go on without a hitch? No. He had to fight.

Petra unstrapped his seatbelts.

Why couldn't Petra open the door, and Levi would be standing there to greet Eren? Levi wouldn't rest on the countertop, sipping a cup of tea, laughing at Eren's horrible jokes and kissing him at midnight. Levi wouldn't be there to wrap him up tight and make sure he would be okay before going to bed. Levi wouldn't be there to rest in the divot in Eren's neck. No more lavender scented hair, soft fingers running across his fingers when Eren got upset anymore. But Levi would come for him in a couple days. Maybe one or two. Not like Eren didn't just see him a day ago.

"Petra," Eren said. She glanced at him. "When you were dating Levi... Did you love him? At all?"

"No," she said, "not really. I saw him as a best friend, since we'd spent a good three years before just as friends. But we didn't break up on bad terms. He was the one to put up some resistance, actually."

"What do you mean?"

Petra took out his wheelchair from the trunk. "Well," she closed the back door with a thud, and helped Eren into the chair, "We both knew it wasn't going to work out. I think he knew first, but he never said anything. I'm surprised you guys have had this relationship work out for almost two years."

"Oh. Yeah. But he mentioned that his first relationship was with you, so I was just wondering."

"About?" Petra asked.

"He always tells me I'm awesome and great and all, but we've hardly had any fights. With... Everything going on right now. I just wish I could've been born normally, because maybe I'd be able to do more with him. This relationship we have wouldn't be based off of saving each other's asses, instead with a more... I don't know. Proportional relationship? Realistic love?"

"What are you saying? You're born perfectly fine. And the relationship you guys have is normal. In a way, I mean. Sure, there are a lot more obstacles than some others might have to face, but you'll get to the good stuff eventually; I'm sure."

"I'm sorry for bringing him up in front of you. That was rude, and I overstepped my boundaries," Eren said.

Petra closed her car door, pushing Eren forward. "It's fine. I don't mind. You can come to talk to me about that idiot any time you want."

"Thanks. And thanks for all the trouble you've gone through to take care of me."

"You're not a hassle. But haven't you guys had a fight yet?"

"No, of course we have. We used to fight a lot, actually. It's been two years here, and I'm honestly dreading the end of it. He'll be graduating, and I don't know where I'll go."

"What do you mean?"

Eren said, "We've fought when he went to Germany. We fought when I tried to break up with him—and I did succeed, and we've fought over a lot of trivial things. Did you guys fight a lot?"

"I don't get where you're trying to go with this."

"Is he going to break up with me one day and leave me to fend for myself? I know I sound selfish, but I can't rely on anyone else right now. And I shouldn't have to rely on him all the time, but I'm helpless like _this_." He pointed his head toward his cripple self.

"Stop thinking like that. If he's going to break up with you, he'll try not to hurt you. Honestly, he's not a bad guy—and I'm sure you know that by now. Yes, he and I fought a lot. But it was stupid. And he broke up with me when we both knew it was going to happen any day. He did it almost quietly, though."

"Quietly?"

"Yeah," Petra said. "He said it verbally, but for the most part he just stopped showing up at the dorm like he used to and would go out to drink or such."

"Oh—"

"But don't worry. It won't happen to you that way, I'm sure. He's sacrificed a lot for you to break up silently. Hell, he's talked a lot about you before, so I'm sure you guys will be able to forgive each other when you fight. Oh, we're here."

She took out a set of keys—Levi had been kind enough to lend her one to the dorm when he had been hospitalized, and she needed to help with Eren, and unlocked the door, pushing Eren in first.

Before she turned on the lights, Eren said, "Petra—" but she screamed. Something muffled her. " _Petra?!_ " Eren repeated.

Although only a tiny bit of light shone through, a hand definitely wrapped around her mouth with a cloth in it. A crash. Petra fell to the floor. The door slammed behind Eren. Somebody laughed.

" _Eren, my dear, it's been too long_." No. _No. This couldn't be happening. Not now, not Petra, not after... After Armin. Mikasa. Not now._

Petra? Petra still breathed, so she'd be okay, right? She'd live through this, and Eren would wake up. It would end up being a nightmare, right?

 _Thump._ His heart pounded against his ribcage.

" _Stop. Please, stop!_ " Eren said. But nobody returned his cry. Why him? Why Petra? Why couldn't he do anything to stop it?

His heart raced. Then he couldn't breathe.

He only asked for one thing to cling to. Levi. Petra. Armin. Mikasa. Himself. His father. Somebody. His math teacher. A stranger on the bus kind enough to move out of the way for him. Anyone. But Levi kept getting hurt because of him. Petra fell defenseless. Armin had been stabbed. And Mikasa betrayed everyone she lied to. Everyone she ever met.

"You can't do this, Hanji—" Eren said. A clicking interrupted him. Something opening.

The voice replied, "But, you see, baby dear, _I can_."

Eren said, his voice a rasp, " _Somebody! Please help!_ " Somebody screamed. Maybe that putrid voice belonged to himself. Armin died because of him. Because he never said anything. Because he never tried to persuade Mikasa into not hurting him. But she had been too fast to do anything about it.

Darkness. Everywhere around him. Surrounding him, drowning him to the point of suffocation. And the stranger, whoever it was, came closer.

"No one's gonna come to your aide now, Eren." The voice said, right next to his ear, "Now... _Should I kill her?_ " For once, he could do something. But nothing all the same.

" _No!_ " Anyone but her. Levi lost an arm. Levi shouldn't have to lose anyone close to him. Not even somebody he broke up with a millennia ago. "Please," Eren bit his lip until something metallic touched his tongue. If he closed his eyes, maybe it would go away. All of it.

His head pounded.

"Give me a better reason," the voice said, sturdy and frozen. Something rustled next to Eren. Then amber hair hit the string of light, Petra's face white. Her mouth parted, and her chest pushed air out still. But she remained unconscious. The stranger's hand wrapped around her neck. "She killed a white class level assassin!" the stranger said. "What do you expect me to do? Leave her alone for protecting the boy—? I'm terribly sorry, dearie. My mind must've thought faster than I could talk."

"White class level assassin?! Was my sister that ugly thing she killed?"

"Yes. But she was beautiful in her own work. Nobody could or would ever dare to beat her."

"Petra's innocent," Eren said under croaked breath. Why couldn't he breathe? The stranger had Petra strangled, so why was he the one who couldn't breathe? The grip on her neck tightened.

"Should I slit her throat? Stab her guts? Shoot her brains out?" The intruder chuckled. "My, my, my, what a sight that would be. Splattered all over across the floor. Geez, Levi would love that—"

"Hanji," Eren said. But his voice refused to work any further. It struck him speechless, just like before. And somebody innocent would die. Just as Armin had. What could he even do? Sit around like a duck and wait for someone else to rescue him? He couldn't even move, let alone scream for help.

And then the body of the women whom had known Levi for years dropped to the ground in a rustle of clothing and a trickle of something dripping. It leaked over to Eren's feet. God no.

And just like that, he could breathe again. The headache disappeared, the pounding and rumbling in his chest faded, and he could fucking _breathe_ again. His forehead cooled, and a tingle ran down his arms.

" _How could you betray your best friend like that? She's dead because of you, and all I've done is stay here and watch!? You bitch! Levi trusted you!_ " Eren said.

"Yes, I know. What a shame. But Petra was going to die, anyway. But the question is: how should I dispose of you? Slitting your throat would take all the fun out of it—oh, I know. Perfect!" she shrieked. The stranger's shoes clicked on the ground. Coming closer to Eren. But he couldn't see a damn.

Hanji. It had to be. She would be the only person to do something like this. But even she wouldn't... She wouldn't betray Levi like this.

But it started when she had given Eren the pills. Levi began to hate her, and they never spoke much after that. But why her? Sure, she shouldn't have given him the pills, but to this extreme? How could she?

"You're coming with me, crip."

Eren swallowed a lump down his throat. If he could have run, he would. But what good would a cripple trying to run off do? He'd get nowhere. Just how it always worked, being useless to the hands of those who cared for him.

"You can't do this," Eren said, his voice dry.

"But, sweet dear, I can."

"What are you going to do?"

"Outside," Hanji said. Maybe Hanji. Perhaps Eren had assumed wrong.

But when the stranger opened the door again, and the light hit her face, Eren could see. But what had he done wrong that she—no, everyone he'd ever met—had to go against him and try to kill him? What had he done wrong that Levi would have to suffer when he died? And why him in the first place?

"Come on, you shit," Hanji said, gripping his shirt and yanking him out of his chair—despite the latches and tape holding him in place.

Two inches away from the open door, a gust of wind hit Eren's face. Coldness struck him. A shiver ran though him, and if he could have used his hands, they'd be frozen to the tips now.

"Stop," Eren said. But his voice hadn't registered with the maniac holding him. The stranger he once trusted with his life—second from Levi. The stranger that killed Petra, who had killed his sister.

What did anyone expect him to do?

She dragged him through the entryway, with nothing on but a light coat since he'd been in the hospital without the need for proper comfort. Maybe he'd be better off if he had a warmer jacket on right now, or a winter coat, because when Hanji threw him against the frozen snow on the ground, sliding down a couple inches, he really needed it. All he had was a jacket that only fitted the autumn.

"Please," Eren said.

"Shut up," she said, slamming him onto the ice packed ground.

He slid a few meters from the door, right to the left of a small car that seemed twenty years old at least, rust forming on the edges. The dumpster to his right, Eren in the middle, and the car to the left.

But Hanji wouldn't do this. Something had to be wrong, right? She couldn't betray Levi like this. Or Eren.

No sun peaked out from the horizon anymore. Darkness. Everywhere. His head pounded, and his chest hurt. Something digging into it. Something ripping it to shreds and trying to patch it back together again, only to have it fall apart. It burned and itched at his insides, making Eren shiver.

" _You should be dead already!_ " a woman's voice said, piercing his ears like a hornet right up close to him. Or a fine china set breaking.

"Y—you pig," Eren said. But he couldn't even hear himself. Like the time those kids threw him down the well, when the water piled up in his ears and he couldn't breathe or hear. Like the time those kids threw him off a bridge, only that time Levi saved him. Not the sister Eren had. Not the sister who betrayed him.

"Ackerman was supposed to kill you when you got here!"

"Levi?"

"No! Your _sister_!" What? Oh, of course she had been sent to kill him from the start.

Eren opened his mouth, but nothing passed out. No air, no words, no pleads for help. Because where would help reside when everyone tried to kill him?

His head swirled. Blood rushed up from his feet to his ears, nose, and skull. Blackness surrounded him.

He surrendered.

He surrendered.

Something cold and hard hit his face. And then it wrapped around his mouth and nose. But the something couldn't be human. Or animal.

He surrendered.

Pounding. Thudding. Prodding at something above him. Who?

He surrendered.

***

Levi woke to Max's face hovering over him.

"What the hell do you want?" Levi asked, pushing himself up from the white clothed bed.

"The doctor says you're free to go. You just need to sign a few papers," Max said.

"For what?"

"Dunno," Max said. "I think it was because you were in the ER before, so they couldn't take your medical notes yet—insurance; they probably want to charge you extra."

"What day is it?"

"The 25." Max stood upright, sitting down on the chair next to the bed.

"It's still Christmas?"

"Yes."

"I could still get to Eren in time."

Max said, with a roll of his eyes, "Oh geez. On with the romantic stuff. Why don't you guys just go out for New Year's?"

Levi frowned, saying, "Because today's Christmas, and I've already blown off every other holiday like it was nothing."

"Fine. Do you have a gift or something?"

"No. I'll go shopping tonight before we get home." The sun almost touched the ground. But not quite.

"I'll come with you," Max said.

Maybe Levi did miss too many holidays. Maybe he really did brush off too many. But this year, unlike last, he'd perfect Christmas and make sure Eren got his present before the twenty-sixth.

***

At least a thousand cars filled the parking lot at the mall. Levi stopped in the middle of the row, somewhere underground. How he managed to get down there, who knew?

"Dammit," Levi said, pushing down the horn. An old lady hobbled to her car, with a bag of clothes in her hand.

"Don't you think you should be nicer? I mean, she looks ancient. Another beep might kill her, for all we know," Max said, folding his hands behind his head, resting back on the seat. He sat in the passenger's side, or as he called it, the luxury seat. "But if you plan on making her drop dead right there, you'll never find a spot to park."

"Shut up, would you?"

They got there at four. Just their luck that everyone would be shopping on _Christmas Day_. Who even goes out on the 25? Desperate people who hadn't bought anything for their second-removed third cousin that they never knew existed? People who had been injured and couldn't get out like Levi? Or did everyone forget to buy a gift for their families?

"Let's get in and out quick. Or else the fucking swarm will attack us."

"Swarm?" Max asked.

"Yes," Levi got out, closed the door and locked the car, and started towards the elevator. "The swarm. When everyone goes to checkout at the same time. Have you even been out shopping the twenty-fourth before? It's freaking scarring."

"I see."

Max turned around in a circle, his hands shoved in his pockets of a slightly-too-light-for-winter-jacket, and stepped in the elevator. Levi followed.

When they got inside past the bustling bodies outside with bags that fell, Levi and Max went towards the directory.

"Oh, here it is," Levi said, pointing to a corner shop.

"You're getting him a—?"

"Yes. But don't say anything, okay? I'm going to ask him on New Year's, if I can't tonight."

"Okay, okay, okay. Good luck with that."

"Let's go already," Levi said, letting a huff of breath escape.

So that's what they did; Max shoved people out of the way, while Levi made a b-line for the shop. When they got there, they purchased one item without any trouble, since only three people walked around looking for items, and headed for the parking lot six floors below the ground.

But when they arrived at the dorm, Eren didn't sit on the bed or lie down on top of it. Not in the bathroom, and nobody was inside either. Petra or Historia had been assigned to help Eren until Levi could get there, but neither of them were there.

The floor creaked. Maybe a mouse ran across. Yeah, it had to be a mouse, or rat. Levi would just call an exterminator later.

Max said, "Levi, behind—" Something. Something stopped him short. A thud. He fell to the ground next to Levi. The lights turned off.

No. Levi just lost his sanity somewhere along the lines. This could be just a dream, and he'd go on to live in peace with Eren. Right?

Levi backed up, grasping for the doorknob. His fingertips found it first, and he turned it.

"You know you can't run from him, Levi," a voice said. A girl's voice. Levi grew up with that voice. Maybe. Maybe he imagined it.

Not Isabel. Her voice rang in his ear, a bit too high-pitched. Not Petra's. Her voice calmed him. Not Hanji. She wouldn't joke around about Kenny. At least she wouldn't until she disappeared.

"You have guts to think you'll get away with hurting Max," Levi said under his breath. But she must've heard, because she laughed. A petty laugh, as if she attended a fancy ball where no one knew anybody.

"Come at me, then. Because I think you've grown weak."

That may be true. He grew weak from being around here, being around Max, Eren, Petra. Because he had something to protect, but he didn't need to keep himself from harm's way. So yes, he had grown weak. But that couldn't stop him from swinging his arm out into the darkness, hitting something with a crack, and doing so again.

And again, and again. Until he grasped onto something solid and firm, thick and pulsing. He squeezed tighter with his hand until she let out a strangled gasp.

"If you kill me, I can't tell you what happened to your beloved Eren," she said.

Eren?

"What can you possibly know about him?" He let go for a second. A second, and she rushed him. Pinning him down to the wall, she gripped his right arm and twisted it behind him.

Her face was clear now. Hanji. She smiled.

"You probably didn't know he tried to kill himself. And he succeeded."

"What?" Levi asked. No. If he closed his eyes, it would go away, right? Everything could just fade and slip off, because who ever stuck close to him in the first place? "You have to be kidding. Hanji, I knew you and trusted you. Don't joke around like this."

"I'm not kidding, Levi. Didn't you see him on your way in?"

"No. I didn't know where he was."

She pressed close to his ear. In a whisper, she said, "Outside, next to the dumpster. If you're not careful, he'll die before you get to him. Do you want that to happen?" The voice that rescued him from dying on a certain night when he ran from his uncle. That voice that seemed so sweet before. Just an annoying bother that'd eventually shut up. But now—now what could he do?

"Let me go," Levi said, squirming. But she held tight.

"Only if you let me take Max."

"Take him? You mean to one of your torture chambers? Hell no! _Just let go of me!_ "

"Fine. Then I'll be accompanying you outside," Hanji said, yanking him toward the door.

His chest tightened. Something—the same type of something that attacking him a long time ago but never came back—itched. It burned at his throat, keeping him from swallowing. Keeping him from breathing. Every pound on the floor moved him closer to the truth. But the truth had to be a joke, because Eren would never die on him.

They promised that they'd be forever. And Eren laughed, smiled, joked about how everything was shit, although he kept happy. Because he had Levi. Did Levi do something wrong? Something to upset him?

Then the cold hit him. Even though he still had his jacket and gloves, hat and socks and boots, the snow still stung. It crept into his hair, sliding down his neck. A prickle. A shiver. The light blinded him, but Hanji kept pulling him forward.

"Here we are. Try to find your precious boyfriend."

" _Shut up!_ " Levi said.

She took him to a mound of snow to the side of the dumpster. She had to be lying to him. Everything she said could be a lie, and Eren could really be safe. She lied. Of course she lied.

But he dug. He dug until he couldn't feel his fingertips anymore, until a pale face popped out of the snow. He dug even farther, revealing the rest of Eren's body. She lied. She always lied to him. Besides, who helped Eren?

"No. This isn't real. Hanji. Please tell me this isn't real. It's all a dream, and I'm going to wake up in the hospital."

Something nudged his back. Hanji kicked him.

"To think that the great escape artist would grow this weak and pitiful. And I was looking forward to a good fight. But what do you do? Oh yeah, you get butt hurt because your precious Eren is dead."

"He's not dead. He can't be," Levi said. He pressed a hand to the opening of Eren's mouth. A small breath, cold as it might be, tickled his fingers. He put his head to Eren's chest. A steady heartbeat welcomed him. "He's still alive. _Hanji! Call 911!_ "

How? How could she just stand there? Smiling and shaking as she laughed while Eren started to slip away from Levi? She knew how important he was to Levi, so what happened? How could she just stand there?

"Hanji! Call the fucking police—"

"I'm taking my half of the trade now. Please excuse me." She turned on her heel, walking off. Into the dorm room.

No. She wouldn't dare. She wouldn't take Max. But what could Levi do? All he had was the remains of the chaos resting in his lap, cold, shivering, and dying.

"Someone! _Please help me!_ " Levi said, directing the words at the upper floors of the dorm. Nobody came out.

Levi's phone. He had it somewhere, right? Or did he leave it in the car? His reached in all his pockets. No phone. No connection to the police.

He had parked his car right outside of the dorm. There would be no way he'd get in without being noticed. But Eren needed help. Even if he didn't want to live, Eren would get to the hospital, right? He'd wake up in the morning and they could go back to living normally.

"Come on, come one. Eren, you're gonna be okay. Just listen to my voice. Just hold on for a few more minutes," Levi said. Eren's eyes kept shut.

Levi wrapped Eren's arms around his shoulder. Squatting in a half kneeling position, he hauled the boy up. With one arm, he held on tight, pulling the limp body to the door of his car. What could've been twenty minutes later, he finally reached the door. But Hanji waited for him.

Her arms crossed, smiling. She waited for him to fuck up, and then it'd be game over. She waited for him to slip or let Eren fall. Then she'd take both of them and Eren would die.

"What the hell did you do with Max?"

Hanji said, "Oh, you know," she waved her hand, "preparations."

"For what?"

"Kenny plans on killing anyone who gets in the way, Levi. I suggest you get out before I have to kill you." What?

"You're letting me go?"

"Yes. But you can't tell anyone. I mean _nobody_. Get to the hospital a few miles from here. Don't come back to the dorm for a few days. Trust me. I'll get you a note when it's safe."

"What do you mean, safe?" Levi asked.

"He's coming for Eren, Levi. And you, too, if the chance arises. Stay in motels for the time. I'll send an agent to watch you guys."

"You're confusing me, Hanji. Please, just tell me."

"Just go! I'll tell him you escaped, okay?"

Levi rested Eren on the side of the car. He opened the door to the passenger's side, taking Eren and putting him in. It didn't matter if he'd bounce around or not. Getting to the hospital was first.

"Why are you being like this, Hanji?" Levi asked.

"Because," she replied. A faint smile appeared on her face. "I became too attached after I took this job. And who knew it would land me up here. Just go. Don't call me. I'll contact you, and don't reply."

"Fine. Tell Max I said goodbye. Petra, too. And Erwin."

"Yeah. No problem."

"Bye," Levi said, getting in his side and driving off.

Everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all unedited. I know, it's turning to shit, blah blah, but I'm working on the next few chapters *edited hopefully!* and will be out with them soon. Also, I'm coming out with a new story. I don't want to get your hopes up, because the wait might be about a year, only because of school and I don't want to get too involved in a fic right now, but I will be posting one-shots, so stay tuned for those. Also! Only a few more chapters to go! (I might go back and rewrite the first few chapters, and: the prologue is irrelevant. It doesn't make shit sense, I know. I wrote it way before I had a single shit about what I was doing with this fic, so bear with me while I rewrite that as well. 
> 
> Bye for now! ^_^

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for stopping by! I would greatly appreciate constructive criticism, comments, how all of you are doing, and whatnot!


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